tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89837288416459245772024-03-13T13:42:52.411-07:00Diary of a RedheadUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger129125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-82543918108532289242012-03-11T22:48:00.002-07:002021-04-07T19:15:43.762-07:00Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-10567971422522634572012-03-10T00:17:00.002-08:002021-04-07T19:09:41.582-07:00Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-60511717935582402302012-02-23T21:35:00.002-08:002021-04-07T19:14:41.676-07:00Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-49227196257947287992012-02-22T22:00:00.002-08:002021-04-07T19:13:18.084-07:00<div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-33590954448022357222012-02-21T22:34:00.002-08:002021-04-07T19:11:40.775-07:00alone<div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-16544173518204043162011-09-21T23:50:00.000-07:002011-09-22T00:07:59.117-07:00It's been a yearI looked at the date of the last post and by the time I post this it will have been exactly one year since my last post. Weird. I felt like blogging because I have been really holding all of my emotions in lately and decided I should get it out. I am not really sure what exactly I want to get out. It is weird being happy in some ways but miserable in others.<br /><br />I moved back to Puyallup in January. I can't believe we have already been here for almost a year. The time has really flown. The first few months mainly because I was working so much there wasn't a chance for me to think. Now that I have a much less stressful job, it is weird thinking about that time. <br /><br />Although my job is less stressful, it has created some issues for me. The hours have mostly been on the weekend, and crazy all day split shift then all night shifts, or 16 hour all night from 10pm to 2 pm the next day. I feel tired all the time and even after a few days off work, all I want to do is sleep.<br /><br />I am pretty depressed in general I think. I try to cover it up, but I can feel that 'covering up' building as fat on my body. All I seem to do lately is eat and sleep. About a month ago I said something to Moises about how I am feeling really depressed and like I am not good for anything. Within minutes he was trying to have sex with me. I was like, fine, whatever and we had sex. I think that may have been one of the last times we have had sex, because I felt so upset about it afterward, then some other things have happened and I have just said no. It is the longest we have ever gone without sex while being in the same country. I am fine with it, because I am mad at him. He on the other hand, hasn't said anything, but won't help with stuff. I know that it is kind of like sick, twisted, whatever, but it is kind of like I have been able to get him to do some things for me, or let me do things, by me having sex with him.<br /><br />Why am writing this on my blog. Well, no one reads it anymore. And I guess if you do, well you know me well enough to know my sick stuff. right?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-9988044983710951112010-09-22T00:45:00.000-07:002010-09-22T00:58:15.857-07:00AberdeenI started my day today almost not going. I convinced myself that something bad was going to happen and that I needed to stay home. Instead I found myself enjoying a nice scenic drive to Aberdeen and being show around a large skilled nursing facility. I was impressed with the number of lifts that they have for the staff to use - I hope that they are being used. I did feel kind of uncomfortable and out of place. It also bothered me that the dementia unit has the least amount of nursing staff with the same amount of patients, and smells like urine. I don't think I want to work down there. <br /><br />The pay is great 24.60 an hour, $1.50 extra for the evening shift, and $2.50 extra an hour for night shift. So if I took nights, I could be making $27.10 an hour. If I were to work 32 hours a week it would work out to over $3500 dollars a month before taxes/insurance, and that type of stuff. <br /><br />I am freaking out about taking it though. I am worried about the kids. I am worried about the drive. I am worried that something better will come along and I will miss it. I am worried that something better won't come along and I will be stuck there. I am worried about not liking the job. I am worried about not liking the people. I am worried about hating the work. <br /><br />I always felt that way about clinical though, and I always ended up liking it. I would make myself sick ahead of time, and would end up doing fine. This can be great too. I think of all the posibilities. I could help pay rent. I could sign the kids up for gymnastics. I could start a college fund. <br /><br />I think I am worried about having that much money. I mean, what if I just blow it all. I don't know what on, but I am sure that I could blow it all on stupid shit.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-80700103470463810132010-05-08T01:26:00.000-07:002010-05-08T01:38:34.114-07:00anxiety taking overI am feeling really anxious tonight. Well, I feel pretty anxious most of the time, it just seems pretty bad today in particular. I know that it is because of school and jobs. Right now people are starting to get interviews for jobs, and I have yet to hear back from anyone. The people who are going to get jobs right off the bat are people who have experience. I don't know why I am being so anxious about it, I just am. I guess it is just hard to see so many people be 'better' than me. That isn't really the right word for it, but I guess deep down that is how I feel, since they will have a job and I won't. Both Luth and Marcella have had interviews. Luth will get a job at the ER where she already works. Marcella got an interview at Overlake, which was kind of a surprise since she didn't turn in all of the letters of recommendation needed. I am really happy for her though, because she really likes working there. She has had 2 clinicals there, so she knows the system and the floor. I applied for a residency job at Good Samaritan Hospital today. That is where I would prefer to work. It is so close to the house in Puyallup. The hours suck though. One is a 12 hour night shift, the other is 8 hour evening shifts. If I get a job working evening, I would never see the kids. It is only 28 hours a week, so maybe it wouldn't be too bad. I don't know. The 12 hour one is 36 hours a week so only 3 12 hour shifts a week, which isn't too bad either. I just hope that I can get the support I need from Moises. I know that I will want/need a sitter/helper to get stuff done around the house. Part of me wonders what it would take to apply to get Moises's mother to come live up here, but that would mean his father would live up here too. He actually isn't too bad now that he doesn't drink anymore. But I know that his sisters in mexico would miss their mom dearly, and she would really miss mexico. I need to find someone younger if I am going to hire a mexican family member. I could always hire my mom! lolUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-64358544200539426582010-04-20T00:40:00.000-07:002010-04-20T00:48:19.481-07:0060 days left, 6 days of clincal. I can do thisI am having one of those days where something just spins around in your head over and over and over again. I am having fake conversations in my head, and reliving things in my head, and stuff like that. I hate that I have that happen sometimes. I decided to get on here and write so that I can possibly go to sleep. <br /><br />I hate my clinical instructor. The first day we worked on the floor she said something about my stomach touching the patients bed. I said something to her about that and how I was suprised that she said that, and she said that she only said it because I was setting off the alarm, and to be careful not to do that so I won't set off the alarm. Okay.<br /><br />So then she gives me a 15 minute lecture about emptying my patients urine too early in the night - which it doesn't matter, she was just being a bitch. And has since that time come out and said that the time that I originally did it is the time that she wants us to do it - go figure.<br /><br />Then there is the fact I missed some important things in my care of my patient the next week. So I feel like an idiot for missing a couple of potentially really important things - though they weren't at the time - I just feel like an idiot and I hate feeling that way. Instead of saying, there is a mistake, or you missed it, lets go back and see it, her response it, 'I can't believe you missed that. You aren't critically thinking and you should know this by now' So I just feel like I am being told I am stupid and I hate it. <br /><br />I don't have patients this week. I am the module leader, which means that I will be helping out all the other students on the floor. So I will be helping to pass out meds, do assessments, change dressings, turn patients, etc. I wonder how she is going to tell me how I suck at it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-91440293234621542532010-03-06T00:42:00.000-08:002010-03-06T00:54:40.843-08:00Filling a wholeI found out that I am not getting a preceptorship. When I found out I cried a lot and since then have felt like I am moving on. I think part of the reason why I cried so much is because I feel like my chances of getting the preceptorship are similar to my chances of getting a good residency position in a hospital. Well, I didn't get a preceptorship and I feel like my self esteem has been popped like a balloon. I just feel like a loser and that I am not going to amount to anything. Given that, I have not been to weight watchers and not gotten a new sponsor, so the small amount of weight that I lost earlier this year has been gained back, and I feel like I can never get enough. I know that this is a normal thing for me to go through. I am feeling like I am empty, so I am filling it with food. I still don't feel anything. I feel like I am an empty person who doesn't matter and has nothing to offer. I am just this body that is going through the motions but I am not being real. Lately I feel like I am just faking everything. I mean, they say fake it til you make it, but I just feel bad. I don't like feeling like an empty, useless person who is just pretending to be fine. I am not fine. I know that I am not because I was looking for something today and came across a bunch of Dick's knives. Well did also has lots of guns. It occurred to me for a split second that I should find a gun and use it. Now, I am not going to do that. But it occurred to me, and it didn't really seem like that bad of an idea. That shows me that I am in trouble. I hate being an empty body. I don't feel like a real person. Like I am just nothing, like just a weird feeling of nothingness. I mean, I carry on and do my day, go to school, pick up kids, go out with friends, but it is just an act. I don't really participate. I am just faking it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-22448840582061045862010-02-28T22:24:00.000-08:002010-02-28T22:42:10.303-08:00111 Days until my pinning ceremonyI know that because one of my classmates posted it on Facebook. It seems kind of like a long ways away when it is put into days, but I know it is only ONE quarter left. WOW! I can't even believe it. I have been in school for 3 years now. <br /><br />It has been stressful recently because everyone is thinking about finding a job now, and no hospitals are hiring. Well, they are hiring, but maybe 10 new grads out of hundreds of applications. It is frustrating. Right now our instructors are deciding who will get a preceptorship. Our last quarter starts with 100 hours of clinical work, and those who get a preceptorship will be working one on one with another nurse and doing all their workload. Out of 40 or so students only about 10 will get one, so everyone is anxious. They say it will be based on grades and previous clinical work. So far it seems that it might just be based on how well a person has kissed up to certain teachers.<br /><br />I don't know if I got one or not, but I am thinking that I didn't. I do know that I am going to be working at Harborview. I am pretty excited about that. I have never actually been inside Harborview, but I hear it is interesting.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-40514067891574664162010-01-07T00:21:00.000-08:002010-01-07T00:23:23.045-08:00My heart hurts. My tummy hurts. My mind feels numb. I can't concentrate. I don't want to study and I really need to.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-4479300826365184882010-01-02T22:04:00.000-08:002010-01-02T22:13:51.773-08:00contemplationAfter a day of playing with my children and contemplation of the meeting I went to this morning, I am feeling somber. I have had a small scuffle with Moises today, and mentioned it to my sponsor. Every time I have been abstinent in the past, I have given it up, or thrown it away, because of my inability to handle the stress over my relationship with him. My sponsor said that my relationship with Moises seems to be a bit like my relationship with food. Push, pull, up, down, love and hate. I never even thought of it that way. She also asked that if it came down to it, which would I choose - abstinence or him. Or to put it in a different light - myself or him. I couldn't answer that question truthfully because I have tried to leave him so many times, and end up letting him back, that I can't say that I would choose myself. I don't understand why I do this to myself, my kids, and him.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-17278845053081956012009-12-31T23:29:00.000-08:002009-12-31T23:39:53.090-08:002009 Comes to an endI just wanted to take a few minutes and write down some thoughts about this past year. It seems to have flown by. I can hardly believe that in 6 more months, I will be a nurse. This year has been a good one for me, I think. I have make 2 great friendships from school, and I hope that we will be friends for the years to come. This past month I have gotten more focused on myself and what I need to do to take better care of myself. That includes joining weight watchers and also going back to my overeaters anonymous meetings. So far, things are going okay. This past month I am down about 4 pounds, which is better than the 10-15 that most people gain over the holidays. It is still really hard for me, but hopefully as time goes by it will be easier.<br /><br />I have never been one to do much of a new years resolution list, but this year I feel prompted to write down some goals for this year to come. My biggest goal, is graduating from school and getting gainfully employed! The thought of actually having a job after all these years feels really daunting! I am hoping that I will handle it well. I also have a goal of starting classes at the University of Washington for my bachelors of Nursing. They have a part time program that meets one day a week for two years in Tacoma. Marcella, Luth and I have talked about all going together. I have a goal to be down 15 pounds by my birthday, 60 by graduation, and between 75 and 100 by this time next year. I look forward to getting support from my family and friends on this one. Support to me for this is having family go on walks together, eating healthy meals together, keeping healthy foods in the house, and binge foods out of the house (hopefully!) I would also like to start spending 15 minutes of quality one on one time each day with my children. So often, I find myself taking a nap, playing on the computer, calling people or watching tv, when I could be doing something with my kids. <br /><br /><br />Happy new year everyone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-15441538370909412322009-12-10T00:10:00.000-08:002009-12-10T00:27:47.370-08:00Beyond lividI am fucking beyond livid. I want to punch a fucking hole in the wall among other things. I realize that I may be over-reacting, since I am on my period. This is never a good time to fuck with me. And the one person in my life who really likes to fuck with me is a god damned expert and I always forgive him. Why? I don't fucking know why. It makes no fucking sense to me.<br /><br />Edith called him yesterday because she really wanted to talk to him, but he didn't answer his phone. I texted him a while later and got no response. I called again after the kids had gone to bed at about 10:30 and he said I woke him up, so I just let him go. <br /><br />So I was kind of upset because I don't like that he didn't respond to us all night. Today I call and ask him what was up and he said his phone was charging in the bedroom, and he was watching tv in the living room. Fine, whatever. He then says he is off work and coming to pick me up to go grab something to eat. Well, he works only about 15 minutes from here, but an hour later he shows up. I ask him what's up, why did it take so long. He says his boss needed him to work some more. I told him it would be nice if he called to let me know that and of course he gets upset because he does what he has to do to keep his job. That is fine with me, I would just like a fucking phone call, Alright!?<br /><br />So we get the kids and go to eat, drop Balthezar off at cubscouts and come home. Well, on the way home I ask him if it would be okay if he watched the kids and I could go to an OA meeting. His response is something to the effect of - what for? It is just you driving around and wasting gas, he says. Okay, go fuck yourself buddy. We get home and he goes into the kids room and is watching tv, I ask him why he says stuff like that. He says for me to just go and he doesn't know why he said it. (to piss me off and make me feel bad is what I'm thinking)<br /><br />So I go to the meeting, stop at Safeway to pick him up lunch for tomorrow and come home. It is almost 9, so think that he has probably not gotten them to sleep, but the kids are probably in bed, right? No. They are eating because they say they are starving - which I doubt, but whatever. I try to read books with them but he isn't respectfull of that and plays around with the kids so they aren't listening and are getting wound up. I then just told the kids I love them and left.<br /><br />He comes out a few hours later, after falling asleep in there and watches tv with me and my mom for a while. When we all decide to go to bed, he says something about the bed not being made. I don't ever make the bed. Bedmaking makes no real sense for me and I have never really done it. He knows that. He is the one who usually will make the bed. Well, I go to the bathroom and go to my room and he isn't in there. He has decided to sleep in the kids' room. WTF?! I mean, really? I don't make the fucking bed like always and you decide to not sleep with me because of it. Well, fuck you too, asshole. Don't expect to be sleeping in my goddamned bed any time soon motherfucker. I fucking hate you, you stupid prick.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-83162253781258085582009-12-04T22:48:00.000-08:002009-12-04T23:22:45.671-08:00Balthezar got stabbed!I am feeling anxious and mad! <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Balthezar</span> was held down by one kid, while another stood over him and slobbered all over him, and yet another stabbed him with a pencil at his daycare today. I found out about it because his teacher called me at the end of the school day and told me that <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Balthezar</span> was refusing to get on the daycare van because he was afraid.<br /><br />I talked to his daycare for over an hour about the whole incident. The kids who did it are <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">giving</span> a different story. The daycare people wonder why he didn't say anything about getting hurt, and how he seemed fine on the ride to school. They know that something happened, because all of a sudden all the boys were on the floor, and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Balthezar</span> had some kids slobber all over his jacket. I try to take what any kid, including my own, says with a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">grain</span> of salt. Not because they are kids (I should rephrase that and say that I do that for adults too!) but because they have so much going on and their bodies move around so much, and don't pay attention sometimes. Well, the kids in question have been suspended from the daycare in the past, and in general are discipline problems, (maybe conduct disorder?) so I don't trust their word for it - but my son's word.<br /><br />The fact of the matter is that he has blood on his leg. Not a huge cut, but a cut. It could have just as easily been his crotch, eye, stomach, you name it. I asked them why they continue to keep disciplining them the same way, since it obviously isn't working, and also why they even bother with keeping the children in the daycare. Well, they agreed with me that I should be angry, and said they will talk with the parents and the kids, and that if things don't change they will be kicked out. Well, good. But at the same time, I feel there is an injustice and no <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">consequences</span>. I told them that I was <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">actually</span> seriously considering contacting the police to make a complaint of assault. I know that is a really hard line to draw, but if <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Balthezar</span> is being abused by some asshole kid, a time-out really isn't appropriate. The director sounded pretty scared when I said that and asked if I would think about it. She said she would call the police on <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Monday</span> and see if they could <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">get</span> some police officers to come in and talk to the kids about assaulting people A 'scared straight' mini meeting, I suppose. I said that would be great. Thinking about it though, I am still just mad and want more done, more closure, more SOMETHING!<br /><br />I told them that I might not bring the kids back, but that I feel it wouldn't be fair that I am the person looking for a new day care for my children instead of the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">kids</span> who are the problem. And finding a spot in a daycare sucks because half the time all the spaces are filled, and the other half of the time, they don't take <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">DSHS</span>. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">GRRRRRRR</span>!!!!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-38963618626355869812009-12-01T01:20:00.000-08:002009-12-01T01:31:16.516-08:00Is it December already?I can't believe that I am a mere 6 months away from being an RN. It seems like I have been working towards this for so long, but I also feel like I can't remember where the time went it has been so fast. <br /><br />I am thinking to myself that I know that I enjoy writing down what is going on in my life, but at the same time, I haven't written anything for a long time, and haven't been writting often for a long time. I can see how that is the trend with the others on my blog list. What's up guys!!!??<br /><br />So, of course I wait to write something until I am upset - and of course, my main topic of upsetness, Moises. Nothing new. I won't write any details, because it isn't really that interesting. I just know that I am feeling crappy, and maybe writing will help me to feel better.<br /><br />I am thinking more and more about my weight lately. I joined weight watchers. I did well for the first week, then for the next couple of weeks, didn't really do anything at all. I didn't even go to a meeting. Kathy joined tonight, and I went to the meeting, so I hope that with some support I can feel better about eating better. I went to an OA meeting for the first time in years on Sunday. I am doing a community resource report for school and had to pick something to educate the people in my class about. It felt really good to go. I have heard people in the past say that they go somewhere and it feels like 'home' I have never understood that saying, but I totally felt like that. I think I will start to go back to meetings.<br /><br />Well, it is very late, and morning comes early, unfortunately!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-63895963286388190572009-10-18T01:55:00.000-07:002009-10-18T02:02:33.189-07:00She is only 6!!!Edith was taking a bath the other day. She looked down at her legs and said, "Mommy, my legs are hairy, I need to shave them." In my head I am thinking, oh my gosh, what am I supposed to say to that, and she's only 6, what the hell?! So I say, well, girls all have hair that grows on their legs. I say, 'look, mommy has hair on her legs'. Her response: But all the skinny beautiful girls don't have hair on their legs.<br /><br />WTF!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-90494391752266667052009-10-07T22:15:00.000-07:002009-10-07T22:24:16.162-07:00State testing follyBalthezar passed the WASL for the third grade. I am pretty happy about that. <br /><br />The teachers spend all of their time teaching kids how to pass the WASL. Balthezar brings home practice tests all of the time. This week Balthezar brought home his practice test and he was so excited - he only got 1 wrong! The instructions for the problem is to read the sentence and to pick the word that is the same as the bolded word in the sentence.<br /><br />Please do this <strong>FAVOR </strong>for me.<br /><br />Now the correct answer was 'kind act'<br /><br />Balthezar however chose 'a dull chore'<br /><br />hmmmmmmmUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-53618777241983445772009-09-20T00:28:00.000-07:002009-09-20T02:06:09.040-07:00coming out of the holeI miss my kids. I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is true sometimes. I miss Edith's little pictures that she is always drawing and sharing with me. I miss Balthezar's excitement about his favorite television shows.<br /><br />I just don't think that I can go through with it. I don't know if I am being selfish or realistic or what. I just can't listen to their voices asking me to come home. I feel like either way I have already made a mistake. They know they have been sent away from me. They aren't stupid. I want them home, but what happens when I have a breakdown again? I don't feel that low very often. I think the combination of coming home, kids starting school, me about to start school made for a bad combination. Then I got really sick and felt like hell for over a week. On top of that I started my period. On a normal month I feel like dying right before my period. With the combination of all of that, it was really, really bad.<br /><br />Did I say something to anyone? no Did I ask for help? not really. I did ask Moises to help at the very end, when I knew that I was near the edge. He did come over a couple days later and hang out with the kids. Obviously he didn't think it was that serious. Maybe I could have been more aggressive with asking for help. I couldn't ask Kathy for help, as she was not coming to the house because of family issues. I thought about it, but knew she wouldn't come over. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't ask mom for help either.<br /><br />I guess one thing I have learned is that I really need to put together a list of people for help when I am feeling like I can't take it anymore. I have done this in the past, but haven't done it recently, and haven't taken it seriously. I mean, having a safety plan in place for myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and I don't have to dispair and think that the world is over. I also need to put together a menstral calendar for myself, so that I can see where I am at and when I should be getting my period. This will help me to remember that when I am feeling like I want to die, it probably just means that I am going to have my period. If I know when my period will be, I can remind myself that I really don't want to kill myself, it is just my period.<br /><br />I need to call my therapist on monday and make an appointment. I would like to see if I can get in to see my psychiatrist as well. I think I am also going to make an appointment to see doctor Kaminski about getting on Yaz for my issues with my menstral cycle. It just isn't right to feel that way EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!<br /><br />I am also going to swallow my pride and call the school counselor at the kids' school and ask about parenting classes. I really need some help. I watched about 4 hours of Supernanny in the past couple of days, and have seen how I am not completely failing, but have a ton of room for growth. I would like to put up a big poster board with house rules like she does, and put together something specific for rewarding the children. I have talked about it and haven't followed through with it. I really want to find a way to spend more quality time with them every day having fun. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I have not been enjoying them enough, and they are getting negative attention from me instead of good attention. Even if it is just 15 minutes a day doing something fun.<br /><br />Something that I need to get into place is a firm, written plan about how I am going to loose weight. It is something that my psychiatrist has been asking me to do for months. Having something written will help to keep a committment to myself. I think that part of the reason I haven't been doing as much with the kids is because I am just too tired. I hope that exercising and eating a bit better will help me feel better. Carrying around an extra person all day, everyday tends to make one feel pretty tired!<br /><br />So what do I need? I need support. I will need some gentle reminders to get back on track. I am not ready to let my kids go until I have really tried to make this work. Thinking about being without them makes me feel numb and horrible. Again, I will need help, so please, please if you read this, help me out and ask me how its going. Ask me to go on a walk with you. Ask me to have my kids help to make a healthy meal. Ask me how my parenting classes are going. Give me a reminder of how I am doing - that I can keep going.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-30430992255216960262009-09-18T23:32:00.001-07:002009-09-18T23:42:29.261-07:00burning eyesMy eyes feel like they are burning I have cried so much lately. I just wish that I could end it. I don't even know why I am crying. I don't feel like I am feeling anything. Just dispair really. I deep black nothingness. I am ready to give up. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to stay awake. I don't want to go out, and I don't want to stay home.<br /><br />I miss my kids. Why am I such a bitch? I am sick of stumbling through life. I don't enjoy it very often. It is just a mass of nothing. I am always just tired, and grumpy, and lazy, and horrid. Maybe not at the same time, but at least one or two.<br /><br />I usually medicate with food. Food doesn't even sound good to me anymore.<br /><br />(edited out for privacy!) and part of me wants to just stop it because I know that people hate people who do that. I know, I am crazy.<br /><br />It is just too much. Either way, my decisions make bad decisions that hurt people, inconvenience people, or scare people. I can't imagine my life without them, I don't want them to hate me - which will happen with whatever I do. That is why it seems easier to do others things. I will be hated even more.<br /><br />The whole thing is just stupid. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Only disneyland dads get that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-24967385283102728002009-09-18T02:51:00.000-07:002009-09-18T03:05:29.504-07:00do I really just need a break?I feel like I really need to write something but I don't have anything to say. Or, I have a lot to say, but how the hell am I supposed to say it? A lot of things that I am feeling, isn't okay for me to write about in the public arena. I feel like I am a pretty open book, but sometimes open books get burned up for being too explicit.<br /><br />David came and picked up my kids tonight. I asked Stacie to take them. I don't know for how long, but I feel like my heart is broken. On one hand, I feel like I have awesome kids who I love to death. On the other hand is the fact that they are disobedient, and I have no patience and I am not a nice person to be around.<br /><br />People say that I need a break. Well, a break from what? I had the summer off. The kids are in school so I am free to do whatever I want from 8 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon. I think that if I were to have more free time I would just sleep constantly. I don't feel like doing anything. I almost never do. <br /><br />Maybe it would help if I felt like I had a meaning to my life. But I don't. I feel like there is no point to this life. It is many years of suffering, and then you die and get eaten by worms. Even if I did believe in an afterlife, what would be the freaking point of that? I mean, I already feel like I am wading through sludge just to get by. Do I want to do that for eternity too? Maybe I have already died, and this is hell.<br /><br />I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Not just parenting, but all of it. I am just a big fat lazy loser who would be better off dead.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-32325323702288095912009-08-13T17:59:00.000-07:002009-08-13T18:08:18.292-07:00bits and piecesI feel like I have a lot to say most of the time, but by the time I sit down here to write it, I find I am blank.<br /><br />I have gotten used to the turkies (how on earth do you spell that?) We now have 7 of them. I spent most of the afternoon at the plaza (an outdoor open shopping place) buying stuff for the wedding. We bought 20 pounds of salt (yikes), 25 pounds of cookies (for the mole) 10 liters of cooking oil, 4 dozen plates, 50 pounds of rice, 2 pounds of dried chiles (we still have to buy another 15 or 20 pounds, they are really expensive so we didn´t have enough today) and a few pounds of chocolate (for the mole)<br /><br />I am going to Tepeaca tomorrow to buy a ´flower girl´dress for Edith. I got my feeling hurt when I found out that the bride hadn´t actually included her. Then, they next day I got into a fight with Aaron about how he talks to me disrespecfully and how I won´t have it. I called Moises and told him that I would rather come home or rent a room. He freaked out, but was mad at his brother and parents not me. I felt really good because he stood up for me. We now have an "official" room for when we stay here. Aaron now has his "official room" as well, and they kids aren´t allowed to go in (as that is why he was being a jerk in the first place because the kids let flies into his room) <br /><br />I gotta go! The bathroom calls and they is no such thing as a public bathroom around here.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-33310395626303549942009-08-03T18:54:00.000-07:002009-08-03T19:06:05.769-07:00turkey, dogs and donkeysI am grumpy and depressed, and tired, homesick, bored, and angry. I just literally feel like shit. I have been feeling down for a while now. I have expected it to go away as it always does with my period. I haven´t had my period, it is a week late, and I still feel like crap. (no, no posibility of pregnancy! - It would me the second coming is near)<br /><br />I bought some new bras today. I thought that would help me feel better, but it didn´t. Now I am worried about money. I don´t need to worry, because it will all work out, but I am just so good at it. The bras are really nice. They have super duper support. They are really well made too, to last for years. They are only 20 dollars, so if you want me to bring a couple home with me, let me know. I will tell you how to get your measurements because they are custom made.<br /><br />Marcella called me last night, which was really nice. I forget how much I miss being able to talk to someone with no language barrier. I mean, my spanish is okay, but I feel like I cant express myself well sometimes.<br /><br />I am not sleeping well at night. All I can hear are dogs barking, donkeys braying (is that the right word) and the newest addition is turkeys gobbling. We got 3 turkeys the other day to fatten up for the wedding. They are so freaking loud it is unbelievable!<br /><br />Edith says to me: Mom, are we going to eat those turkeys<br />me: yes, when your uncle gets married<br />Edith: does that mean we are going to kill them?<br />me: yes, we are going to kill them and eat them.<br />Edith: Can I watch when they kill them!<br />Me: uh.....sure.......<br /><br />She also recently asked me about cows having babies. She asked me if we were going to kill the cows to eat. I said that maybe someday we would. She said that we should wait until they have babies first. Then she asked me if you have to cut open the cow to get the baby out. No, I say, it just comes out of the vagina. Oh...okay- she says. (she knows where her vagina is and didn´t even say anything about it hurting or anything.)<br /><br />I should go get my kids and go to bed. Although, I already slept half the day. Oh well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8983728841645924577.post-78219418976299285282009-08-01T12:13:00.000-07:002009-08-01T12:22:22.981-07:00blahI am having a really blah time lately. Usually I have some good stories or something to tell. Right now I have nothing! I haven`t done anything fun. I am bored out of my mind. What do I normally do? I do like to read, and I read all the Twilight series in the first week I was here. I told myself that I would read my nursing book, but I have gotten through a whole page. I guess I have done one thing - I am in the hard level for Guitar Hero on the nintendo ds. That is pretty exciting (HA!) <br /><br />I ate part of a chicken head the other day. I went to buy a roticerie chicken, and here they sell the heads too. Well, while we were waiting for our order, the shop owner thought she would be nice and offer me one. I took it and acted like I wasn´t going to freak out about eating a CHICKEN HEAD! Blah!<br /><br />It looks like the nail thing isn´t going to work out. People are way too poor right now to pay to have their nails painted. The bread thing is going okay. I also brought a juicer with me to give to Leticia, and she is selling fruit juice to make money. <br /><br />I miss my friends, I miss my family. I miss having parks and fun places to take the kids. I mean, they do have fun playing outside (what a concept) with the dirt and trees and stuff. I guess I just don´t have much to talk about and so I am not a good conversationist and that is all people do around here. I don´t know how they find so much to talk about. I just tune out most of the time because I don´t know who or what they are talking about.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0