alone

It's been a year

I looked at the date of the last post and by the time I post this it will have been exactly one year since my last post. Weird. I felt like blogging because I have been really holding all of my emotions in lately and decided I should get it out. I am not really sure what exactly I want to get out. It is weird being happy in some ways but miserable in others.

I moved back to Puyallup in January. I can't believe we have already been here for almost a year. The time has really flown. The first few months mainly because I was working so much there wasn't a chance for me to think. Now that I have a much less stressful job, it is weird thinking about that time.

Although my job is less stressful, it has created some issues for me. The hours have mostly been on the weekend, and crazy all day split shift then all night shifts, or 16 hour all night from 10pm to 2 pm the next day. I feel tired all the time and even after a few days off work, all I want to do is sleep.

I am pretty depressed in general I think. I try to cover it up, but I can feel that 'covering up' building as fat on my body. All I seem to do lately is eat and sleep. About a month ago I said something to Moises about how I am feeling really depressed and like I am not good for anything. Within minutes he was trying to have sex with me. I was like, fine, whatever and we had sex. I think that may have been one of the last times we have had sex, because I felt so upset about it afterward, then some other things have happened and I have just said no. It is the longest we have ever gone without sex while being in the same country. I am fine with it, because I am mad at him. He on the other hand, hasn't said anything, but won't help with stuff. I know that it is kind of like sick, twisted, whatever, but it is kind of like I have been able to get him to do some things for me, or let me do things, by me having sex with him.

Why am writing this on my blog. Well, no one reads it anymore. And I guess if you do, well you know me well enough to know my sick stuff. right?

Aberdeen

I started my day today almost not going. I convinced myself that something bad was going to happen and that I needed to stay home. Instead I found myself enjoying a nice scenic drive to Aberdeen and being show around a large skilled nursing facility. I was impressed with the number of lifts that they have for the staff to use - I hope that they are being used. I did feel kind of uncomfortable and out of place. It also bothered me that the dementia unit has the least amount of nursing staff with the same amount of patients, and smells like urine. I don't think I want to work down there.

The pay is great 24.60 an hour, $1.50 extra for the evening shift, and $2.50 extra an hour for night shift. So if I took nights, I could be making $27.10 an hour. If I were to work 32 hours a week it would work out to over $3500 dollars a month before taxes/insurance, and that type of stuff.

I am freaking out about taking it though. I am worried about the kids. I am worried about the drive. I am worried that something better will come along and I will miss it. I am worried that something better won't come along and I will be stuck there. I am worried about not liking the job. I am worried about not liking the people. I am worried about hating the work.

I always felt that way about clinical though, and I always ended up liking it. I would make myself sick ahead of time, and would end up doing fine. This can be great too. I think of all the posibilities. I could help pay rent. I could sign the kids up for gymnastics. I could start a college fund.

I think I am worried about having that much money. I mean, what if I just blow it all. I don't know what on, but I am sure that I could blow it all on stupid shit.