My heart hurts. My tummy hurts. My mind feels numb. I can't concentrate. I don't want to study and I really need to.

contemplation

After a day of playing with my children and contemplation of the meeting I went to this morning, I am feeling somber. I have had a small scuffle with Moises today, and mentioned it to my sponsor. Every time I have been abstinent in the past, I have given it up, or thrown it away, because of my inability to handle the stress over my relationship with him. My sponsor said that my relationship with Moises seems to be a bit like my relationship with food. Push, pull, up, down, love and hate. I never even thought of it that way. She also asked that if it came down to it, which would I choose - abstinence or him. Or to put it in a different light - myself or him. I couldn't answer that question truthfully because I have tried to leave him so many times, and end up letting him back, that I can't say that I would choose myself. I don't understand why I do this to myself, my kids, and him.