Is it December already?

I can't believe that I am a mere 6 months away from being an RN. It seems like I have been working towards this for so long, but I also feel like I can't remember where the time went it has been so fast.

I am thinking to myself that I know that I enjoy writing down what is going on in my life, but at the same time, I haven't written anything for a long time, and haven't been writting often for a long time. I can see how that is the trend with the others on my blog list. What's up guys!!!??

So, of course I wait to write something until I am upset - and of course, my main topic of upsetness, Moises. Nothing new. I won't write any details, because it isn't really that interesting. I just know that I am feeling crappy, and maybe writing will help me to feel better.

I am thinking more and more about my weight lately. I joined weight watchers. I did well for the first week, then for the next couple of weeks, didn't really do anything at all. I didn't even go to a meeting. Kathy joined tonight, and I went to the meeting, so I hope that with some support I can feel better about eating better. I went to an OA meeting for the first time in years on Sunday. I am doing a community resource report for school and had to pick something to educate the people in my class about. It felt really good to go. I have heard people in the past say that they go somewhere and it feels like 'home' I have never understood that saying, but I totally felt like that. I think I will start to go back to meetings.

Well, it is very late, and morning comes early, unfortunately!

She is only 6!!!

Edith was taking a bath the other day. She looked down at her legs and said, "Mommy, my legs are hairy, I need to shave them." In my head I am thinking, oh my gosh, what am I supposed to say to that, and she's only 6, what the hell?! So I say, well, girls all have hair that grows on their legs. I say, 'look, mommy has hair on her legs'. Her response: But all the skinny beautiful girls don't have hair on their legs.

WTF!!!

State testing folly

Balthezar passed the WASL for the third grade. I am pretty happy about that.

The teachers spend all of their time teaching kids how to pass the WASL. Balthezar brings home practice tests all of the time. This week Balthezar brought home his practice test and he was so excited - he only got 1 wrong! The instructions for the problem is to read the sentence and to pick the word that is the same as the bolded word in the sentence.

Please do this FAVOR for me.

Now the correct answer was 'kind act'

Balthezar however chose 'a dull chore'

hmmmmmmm

coming out of the hole

I miss my kids. I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is true sometimes. I miss Edith's little pictures that she is always drawing and sharing with me. I miss Balthezar's excitement about his favorite television shows.

I just don't think that I can go through with it. I don't know if I am being selfish or realistic or what. I just can't listen to their voices asking me to come home. I feel like either way I have already made a mistake. They know they have been sent away from me. They aren't stupid. I want them home, but what happens when I have a breakdown again? I don't feel that low very often. I think the combination of coming home, kids starting school, me about to start school made for a bad combination. Then I got really sick and felt like hell for over a week. On top of that I started my period. On a normal month I feel like dying right before my period. With the combination of all of that, it was really, really bad.

Did I say something to anyone? no Did I ask for help? not really. I did ask Moises to help at the very end, when I knew that I was near the edge. He did come over a couple days later and hang out with the kids. Obviously he didn't think it was that serious. Maybe I could have been more aggressive with asking for help. I couldn't ask Kathy for help, as she was not coming to the house because of family issues. I thought about it, but knew she wouldn't come over. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't ask mom for help either.

I guess one thing I have learned is that I really need to put together a list of people for help when I am feeling like I can't take it anymore. I have done this in the past, but haven't done it recently, and haven't taken it seriously. I mean, having a safety plan in place for myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and I don't have to dispair and think that the world is over. I also need to put together a menstral calendar for myself, so that I can see where I am at and when I should be getting my period. This will help me to remember that when I am feeling like I want to die, it probably just means that I am going to have my period. If I know when my period will be, I can remind myself that I really don't want to kill myself, it is just my period.

I need to call my therapist on monday and make an appointment. I would like to see if I can get in to see my psychiatrist as well. I think I am also going to make an appointment to see doctor Kaminski about getting on Yaz for my issues with my menstral cycle. It just isn't right to feel that way EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!

I am also going to swallow my pride and call the school counselor at the kids' school and ask about parenting classes. I really need some help. I watched about 4 hours of Supernanny in the past couple of days, and have seen how I am not completely failing, but have a ton of room for growth. I would like to put up a big poster board with house rules like she does, and put together something specific for rewarding the children. I have talked about it and haven't followed through with it. I really want to find a way to spend more quality time with them every day having fun. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I have not been enjoying them enough, and they are getting negative attention from me instead of good attention. Even if it is just 15 minutes a day doing something fun.

Something that I need to get into place is a firm, written plan about how I am going to loose weight. It is something that my psychiatrist has been asking me to do for months. Having something written will help to keep a committment to myself. I think that part of the reason I haven't been doing as much with the kids is because I am just too tired. I hope that exercising and eating a bit better will help me feel better. Carrying around an extra person all day, everyday tends to make one feel pretty tired!

So what do I need? I need support. I will need some gentle reminders to get back on track. I am not ready to let my kids go until I have really tried to make this work. Thinking about being without them makes me feel numb and horrible. Again, I will need help, so please, please if you read this, help me out and ask me how its going. Ask me to go on a walk with you. Ask me to have my kids help to make a healthy meal. Ask me how my parenting classes are going. Give me a reminder of how I am doing - that I can keep going.

burning eyes

My eyes feel like they are burning I have cried so much lately. I just wish that I could end it. I don't even know why I am crying. I don't feel like I am feeling anything. Just dispair really. I deep black nothingness. I am ready to give up. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to stay awake. I don't want to go out, and I don't want to stay home.

I miss my kids. Why am I such a bitch? I am sick of stumbling through life. I don't enjoy it very often. It is just a mass of nothing. I am always just tired, and grumpy, and lazy, and horrid. Maybe not at the same time, but at least one or two.

I usually medicate with food. Food doesn't even sound good to me anymore.

(edited out for privacy!) and part of me wants to just stop it because I know that people hate people who do that. I know, I am crazy.

It is just too much. Either way, my decisions make bad decisions that hurt people, inconvenience people, or scare people. I can't imagine my life without them, I don't want them to hate me - which will happen with whatever I do. That is why it seems easier to do others things. I will be hated even more.

The whole thing is just stupid. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Only disneyland dads get that.

do I really just need a break?

I feel like I really need to write something but I don't have anything to say. Or, I have a lot to say, but how the hell am I supposed to say it? A lot of things that I am feeling, isn't okay for me to write about in the public arena. I feel like I am a pretty open book, but sometimes open books get burned up for being too explicit.

David came and picked up my kids tonight. I asked Stacie to take them. I don't know for how long, but I feel like my heart is broken. On one hand, I feel like I have awesome kids who I love to death. On the other hand is the fact that they are disobedient, and I have no patience and I am not a nice person to be around.

People say that I need a break. Well, a break from what? I had the summer off. The kids are in school so I am free to do whatever I want from 8 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon. I think that if I were to have more free time I would just sleep constantly. I don't feel like doing anything. I almost never do.

Maybe it would help if I felt like I had a meaning to my life. But I don't. I feel like there is no point to this life. It is many years of suffering, and then you die and get eaten by worms. Even if I did believe in an afterlife, what would be the freaking point of that? I mean, I already feel like I am wading through sludge just to get by. Do I want to do that for eternity too? Maybe I have already died, and this is hell.

I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Not just parenting, but all of it. I am just a big fat lazy loser who would be better off dead.

bits and pieces

I feel like I have a lot to say most of the time, but by the time I sit down here to write it, I find I am blank.

I have gotten used to the turkies (how on earth do you spell that?) We now have 7 of them. I spent most of the afternoon at the plaza (an outdoor open shopping place) buying stuff for the wedding. We bought 20 pounds of salt (yikes), 25 pounds of cookies (for the mole) 10 liters of cooking oil, 4 dozen plates, 50 pounds of rice, 2 pounds of dried chiles (we still have to buy another 15 or 20 pounds, they are really expensive so we didn´t have enough today) and a few pounds of chocolate (for the mole)

I am going to Tepeaca tomorrow to buy a ´flower girl´dress for Edith. I got my feeling hurt when I found out that the bride hadn´t actually included her. Then, they next day I got into a fight with Aaron about how he talks to me disrespecfully and how I won´t have it. I called Moises and told him that I would rather come home or rent a room. He freaked out, but was mad at his brother and parents not me. I felt really good because he stood up for me. We now have an "official" room for when we stay here. Aaron now has his "official room" as well, and they kids aren´t allowed to go in (as that is why he was being a jerk in the first place because the kids let flies into his room)

I gotta go! The bathroom calls and they is no such thing as a public bathroom around here.