I started school this week. I have had a couple near crying misses. I started to have a panic attack when class first started on Monday. I was able to calm down with an exercise that my therapist taught me. You use all of your sense and focus on them. What you are smelling, what you taste, what colors are in the room, what you are touching, and all of the different sounds that you are hearing. It worked and I calmed down.
I almost started crying today doing a skills test for nurse assisting. I had to transfer someone from a bed to a wheelchair. I was having a hard time and the instructor had to help out. I was all red and sweating and felt like an idiot. Then poor David, my partner had to transfer me. I guess it is good practice because we will probably have overweight patients, but the tranfer belt wouldn't even fit around me, so we had to 'pretend'
Which brings me to another thought. I am obviously stressed and have been eating too much. I am getting financial aid this year, and it happens to equal about exactly what it would cost to get a lap-band. I know that my therapist would kill me if she knew I was even thinking about it - she wants me to love myself as I am before I make any changes, and really believes in the fat acceptance movement. I totally get that, but I am just too fat and not getting it under control by myself.
Edith had an 'intervention' today. It was for SPITTING when she was angry for being told to settle down during book reading time. She also keeps throwing temper tantrums at school. NICE! I got a call and a pink slip to sign, and she was kept inside and in her classroom during lunch and recess.
I have about 15 chapters of reading to do over the weekend. I am not feeling very confident in my ability to keep up. I only have to get a 78% to pass my class, so hopefully I will keep my grades in the 80's, but I am feeling really overwhelmed. It doesn't help that I don't think my instructor likes me, and I am feeling really vulnerable going into the health care field weighing over 300 pounds.
I painted my nails today with a really cute set that I got at the Puyallup fair. I have a base coat with red, green, and white stars on them. I feel guilty about spending time doing that, but whatever. It was nice to treat myself, and I feel pretty.
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2 comments:
Hello Joan. I always love reading your posting on you blog. It's colorful and full of emotion. I think you method of calmness has merit. I use a method of breath control taught to me while I was in the hospital in Ohio. Deep breathing technique. So far I only use it to control my pain and blood pressure. Don't worry about your body. I might be concerned about you physically but what others think how big or elsewise is irrelavent. Love yourself no matter the case. Know that you are Heavenly Father's daughter and he has high praise for you.
Joan, good job taking time for yourself!!! You accomplished that on day one, keep it up!
STacie
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