coming out of the hole

I miss my kids. I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is true sometimes. I miss Edith's little pictures that she is always drawing and sharing with me. I miss Balthezar's excitement about his favorite television shows.

I just don't think that I can go through with it. I don't know if I am being selfish or realistic or what. I just can't listen to their voices asking me to come home. I feel like either way I have already made a mistake. They know they have been sent away from me. They aren't stupid. I want them home, but what happens when I have a breakdown again? I don't feel that low very often. I think the combination of coming home, kids starting school, me about to start school made for a bad combination. Then I got really sick and felt like hell for over a week. On top of that I started my period. On a normal month I feel like dying right before my period. With the combination of all of that, it was really, really bad.

Did I say something to anyone? no Did I ask for help? not really. I did ask Moises to help at the very end, when I knew that I was near the edge. He did come over a couple days later and hang out with the kids. Obviously he didn't think it was that serious. Maybe I could have been more aggressive with asking for help. I couldn't ask Kathy for help, as she was not coming to the house because of family issues. I thought about it, but knew she wouldn't come over. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't ask mom for help either.

I guess one thing I have learned is that I really need to put together a list of people for help when I am feeling like I can't take it anymore. I have done this in the past, but haven't done it recently, and haven't taken it seriously. I mean, having a safety plan in place for myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and I don't have to dispair and think that the world is over. I also need to put together a menstral calendar for myself, so that I can see where I am at and when I should be getting my period. This will help me to remember that when I am feeling like I want to die, it probably just means that I am going to have my period. If I know when my period will be, I can remind myself that I really don't want to kill myself, it is just my period.

I need to call my therapist on monday and make an appointment. I would like to see if I can get in to see my psychiatrist as well. I think I am also going to make an appointment to see doctor Kaminski about getting on Yaz for my issues with my menstral cycle. It just isn't right to feel that way EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!

I am also going to swallow my pride and call the school counselor at the kids' school and ask about parenting classes. I really need some help. I watched about 4 hours of Supernanny in the past couple of days, and have seen how I am not completely failing, but have a ton of room for growth. I would like to put up a big poster board with house rules like she does, and put together something specific for rewarding the children. I have talked about it and haven't followed through with it. I really want to find a way to spend more quality time with them every day having fun. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I have not been enjoying them enough, and they are getting negative attention from me instead of good attention. Even if it is just 15 minutes a day doing something fun.

Something that I need to get into place is a firm, written plan about how I am going to loose weight. It is something that my psychiatrist has been asking me to do for months. Having something written will help to keep a committment to myself. I think that part of the reason I haven't been doing as much with the kids is because I am just too tired. I hope that exercising and eating a bit better will help me feel better. Carrying around an extra person all day, everyday tends to make one feel pretty tired!

So what do I need? I need support. I will need some gentle reminders to get back on track. I am not ready to let my kids go until I have really tried to make this work. Thinking about being without them makes me feel numb and horrible. Again, I will need help, so please, please if you read this, help me out and ask me how its going. Ask me to go on a walk with you. Ask me to have my kids help to make a healthy meal. Ask me how my parenting classes are going. Give me a reminder of how I am doing - that I can keep going.