This quarter I am doing my clinical work at the VA hospital in Seattle in the spinal cord injury unit. Talk about learning to love your body. I hate my body most of the time. I constantly think about how ugly it is, how embarrassing it is, how I wish I could get up the gumption to change it, etc, etc. Well, imagine it just not working anymore, accompanied with extreme chronic pain and nausea from reflexive muscle spasms. It occurs to me that maybe I should be a lot nicer to myself once in a while and be grateful for what I do have - a functioning body. It may not be what looks really good, or normal, or .......but it works.
I woke up late this morning with an hour to get dressed and get to my clinical. For some reason when I first woke up, I thought that I was already late and didn't have any time. I flipped out. I had an anxiety attack, and was hyperventillating and sobbing. I called my clinical instructor, while trying to control my sobbing to let her know I was on the way. She told me to calm down and take some deep breaths and get there as soon as I could. I ended up being one of the first ones there, and felt like an idiot. My instructor just seems like a really awesome person and like she takes everything in stride. I am glad for that with this being my first experience.
I have a test again on monday, so I will spend the weekend studying. I don't feel as panicked this time around though - but if you ask me on sunday night, it will probably be a different story. I found out that I had the highest grade in the class on the first test. That was pleasantly surprising. I mean, I know I am smart, but I lot of the time I don't feel really smart. I have a feeling most of the time that I am going to fail - in life, as a mother, as a spouse, at weight loss, in a job. I don't really like feeling like that, but it is hard to change.
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