friends

I have found myself at a weird point in my life. I have friends that really like me. I have always had some friends, but I have never really felt like I was really their friend. They were Stacies friends, or were friends, but I was always the only one who put effort into the relationship.


This year at school, I have found a group to study together I really like them, and they like me. I know it sounds kind of silly, but it is true. I find that they are calling me to see when we are getting together. We got together on the last day of class to have a drink and celebrate finishing our first quarter. We study for a few hours every Sunday at Panera together. We even had a Christmas gift exchange. It is really nice.


I have also reconnected with some people from my past through facebook. On one hand facebook is weird. I find myself requesting to be friends with people, and then afterwards think to myself, why? I guess part of it is curiosity. It is interesting to see where other people are in their lives. What they are up to, what they do for a living, that sort of thing. I have managed to connect with a friend that I have known since 7th grade. She liked me even though I looked like this (see below) scary! On the other hand, I am like, lame. For example - there was a girl in school who I thought had to perfect life. Pretty, popular, smart, athletic. She got full scholarships to go to school. I remember talking to someone and saying that it was probably as good as it is going to get for her, right? Wrong! From what I can see, she still seems to have a perfect life, with a perfect boyfriend, perfect job, and get this, over 500 friends on facebook. I mean, who has 500 fucking friends on facebook. Her, of course. (sorry if you ever read this Heidi, but you know its true) My sister Stacie did say something that made me think. How good of a friend can you really be when you have 500 friends. I will try to remember that, but knowing her, they probably are all dying to see her and go out with her.


Carol and I are getting together tomorrow (the friend I was talking about before I went on the tangent about miss perfect) and I have to admit that I am a little bit intimidated. She is a hairdresser who is trendy and lives in SanFransisco. I am really fat, wear ugly clothes and a student. I always feel uncomfortable seeing people from my past. I am embarrassed that I have gotten to be the size that I am, and worry what they will think of me.

It shouldn't matter - what they think of me. But it does. I wish I could stop judging myself. Nothing is ever going to change while I am so mean to myself. Although, I have to admit, even though I am fat, I really am beautiful and have aged well.

I also reconnected with a friend that I was an exchange student with. She also lives in California, and has been working her way to stardome for years. She is super talented and hardworking, and kind and generous. She even sent me a really awesome handmade bag. I was shocked when I opened it.

That is what I mean. I can't believe that people are thinking of me. Now - family, yes, you think of me, I know that. But it really means something to me that others actually enjoy me as well.