I am feeling really sad and feel like crying, but the tears won't come out.
Moises got to his parents house last night. He called to let me know he got there and I said I would call today to talk more. I called 3 times during the day, and he wasn't home. He went out with his counsins. I know that this means he is out being force fed alcohol, and probably won't come home until tomorrow morning or something.
I was out shopping with the kids, and on my way home when he called. Donde chingada andas? Que chingada haces? He says. Which means, essentially, where the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing. I tell him that I went to the store to buy some things. What exactly, he wants to know. Well, I went to get a pom pom makers, but no one seems to stock them. I ended up buying 2 bras, socks for the kids, q-tips, cotton balls, and detangler spray, to be exact. I say I was just picking up some stuff for around the house. I am not meaning to be evasive, but when someone is saying what the fuck are you out doing at 8 o clock at night, and yelling at me, I am not thinking, well hey, I got xyz. Plus, if I do tell him what I have bought, he will find some way to be like, gosh Joan, why do you spend so much money?
He then asks me if I have paid for my ticket. I got a ticket for no insurance when I was hit in the accident last year. I told him that yes I paid it. He asks me how. Well, I got my financial aid check on Monday, so I paid the $94 with that. Oh, he says. Well, how much did I get for financial aid, he asks. I didn't want to tell him. I probably wouldn't have told him except for the fact that my stupid bank statement still gets sent to the house in Puyallup, so he can see where I spend all my money and how much I have. (why on earth I haven't changed it, I don't know)
2000 dollars. I know it is a lot of money. And I want it all for me. I don't want to share it. I have spent so much time being worried about money, that I just want it. Is that wrong? It means I will have an extra 500 or so a month for the next 4 months. It means that I won't have to worry about buying new shoes if the kids need it. It means I can fill up my car with gas without worrying. It means I can buy clothes that looks nice instead of ugly cheap shit. It means that I can pay for daycare without worrying. It means that I can buy my kids clothes when they need it and it can be something new that I actually like, instead of hand me downs. It means so much to me. I fucking hate living like a pauper, and financial aid money gives me the option to not live like that. And he wants me to give it all to him, and the fucking sick sad thing, is that I feel bad for not giving it to him!!!!!
Well, Moises, who is drunk of course, asks me how much of it I am going to give to him. I asked him how much he wanted - and what he wanted it for. He says that he wants 1500 to make a house payment. He says that it isn't fair that he is the one that pays for everything and that I don't help out. Well, I say, I go to school full time, and I take care of the children. Well, that doesn't count, or that doesn't matter, he says. He needs help too. He says that if I am unwilling to help out, that if he sells the house and makes a profit, the profit will all go to him. Well, I don't really care, so I just say, sure. I do tell him that it isn't a good time to sell the house, and that it would be a bad idea. He just goes on and on. At this point, I don't want to get angry so I tell him that we should talk another time when he isn't drunk.
He keeps talking, and I don't hang up because that isn't a good idea. Or maybe it would be a better idea. I don't know. I am a wimp, and I guess maybe I don't think it is fair, and I feel like maybe I don't deserve to live above extreme poverty with a whole $2000 for a quarter. I tell him that if he feels like I am not helping out, that I can give him 400 dollars a month. He says that it isn't enough and that I should help out more because how is he going to make the house payment. If that is all I am willing to give, then I guess that means he'll sell the house, he says. I tell him that is ridiculous, because Emily will be paying 200 a month and if I am giving him 400 a month, it is like what Antonio was paying for rent, so he should be fine. No, that isn't what matters, apparently. I should give him all 1500 of my financial aid because otherwise I am just being selfish and not helping out the family.
Fucking bullshit.
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3 comments:
I wonder what he would do if HE had 2K and you asked for 3/4 of it?
It seems like you're going to school so you can feel better about yourself, and have a better way to provide for your family in the future. Surely the school money you receive should go towards YOUR endeavors and YOUR children. Not to any hand that's open, whether you're married to it or not.
If you need to vent more, you can always email me :) Hang in there! And hold on to your money, girl. You've earned it by going to school and making your future a priority.
As I recall, finacial aid is MAINLY for your schooling, a portion goes toward living expenses, but not the majority. Make sure all your books and tuition is paid, and give the bastard what ever you feel is necessary. Oh! and tell him good luck selling the house, my dad's been trying to sell a house for nearly a year now and he's JUST NOW getting offers.
Hang in there girl!
Men are by the Proclamation on the Family the primary providers of the family. As such it is Moises responsibility to pay the house payment, not run off to Mexico and drink himself into oblivion. When you finish your education and decide to again live a more family oriented situation with him then consider to help pay the bills. If he can't do so now, perhaps he should seek better employment or a part-time job. Pay for your education, do something nice for yourself and your children. When has he done so for you?
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