asshole and a slob

I have a secret. Well, truth be told not a huge one because those who have ever been to my house know it - or lets just say my family knows it. I am a HUGE slob. I hate cleaning. I constantly have shit all over the place. Books, papers, pens, crayons, random shit, pretty much everywhere. I try to keep it from getting too crazy, but it does, because I am an asshole and I dont like to clean.

I am not trying to be sarcastic. I really believe that. I feel guilty about not cleaning more, but not guilty enough to actually make some real progress. I mean, today, I sorted some socks. Progress? I don't know if that counts. I try to clean up dishes after myself, but I don't sometimes. And not only am I am asshole slob, I am that slob, in someone else's home. It isn't my home. I can't just live that way and have it be the way it is, like my sister Gen. No. I get to constantly feel the pressure of my assholeness from being messy.

Of course, no matter where I go I feel that pressure. It is inside my head. I get clues from other people, but I only make it mean stuff in the space in my brain.

I spent Saturday afternoon until sunday morning at my old house in Puyallup. It looked so nice. Now, if me and the kids were living there, it wouldn't look so good. Right now, it is just moises. But I thought to myself how lovely it would feel to be able to have all my crap where ever I wanted it, and not have to worry about it getting thrown around, peed on, chewed up, or in someone else's space - because get this - it would actually be my space. I wouldn't have to feel guilty about having my stuff, I would just have the guilt of being messy.

What is wrong with being messy? Really, what is wrong with it? For some reason there is a judgement about if you have a neat tidy house you are a good person, and of course, I am a bad person for being messy. That of course is linked to childhood drama - and it pisses me off that I still use that pitiful excuse. Why don't I just stop being a lazy asshole and get my shit together?

And no, I don't believe that it would be sunshine and lolipops if I lived in Puyallup. I would have some other person telling me I am a lazy asshole. He would just say it out loud, instead of being passive aggressive about it. Well, he would probably be passive agressive about it too.

In the meantime, I will refer to a recent conversation with Balthezar. It went something like this: me: Balthezar, you need to pick up your room. B: Why? Me: Because it is messy! B: SO?

That is right, SO?