I hate what goes on in my head

Do you ever wish that you could just shut the voice in your head up? I do. I think it constantly. I think too goddamn much.

You know what fucking sucks? It sucks that my asshole husband is the most steady person in my life. He may be an asshole, but at least he sticks around for me. He comes back with his fucking tail between his legs and apologizes if it was real bad, but he comes back. He calls me. He makes jokes with me. He tried to make plans with me. He continues to be an asshole, but I guess I at least get some attention.

I hate my fucking family. Yes. That is how I feel today. I might not feel it tomorrow, so give me a fucking break when I feel better, alright? Or is that not allowed. And can I please just be angry and fucking vent without having some other person be codependant and feel bad because I had some strong fucking emotions.

I feel like I am having some realizations about why I do the things I do, although it doesn't make it any better. I have been abandoned a lot. Sometimes for real, sometimes just in my adult head that still feels like it is a little kid not wanting to be abandoned. I know on an adult level that when someone doesn't return your phone calls, it is just that life has happened, right? In my brain, I hear 'well, they don't love you, they don't have time for you, they don't really care about you'. When someone that I like makes plans that I hear about - lets say for a camping trip or some other thing, and I am not part of it, my brain says, 'see, no one really likes you and they never will. Why would they invite you in the first place. You aren't really their friend, you aren't important to them.' I hate the phsycotherapy shit about how you try to fix mistakes from your past with people from your present. The f-ing weird part is that it seems to be true.

The thing is, I hate that I turn something outside myself into something about me. I mean, I guess I can see how if someone is planning something with someone else, they aren't thinking 'screw you Joan' but that is how I feel sometimes. I know that it is a kind of learned behavior from other people in my family. What bothers me too, is that when other people in my family do it, it bothers the hell out of me. I know that I am kind of talking in code here. Sorry.

Now I have sat here crying for 10 minutes with a million more thoughts going through my head but I can't even write them down, because in the end it will all just come back to bite me. I am just having a lot of self loathing right now. I hate myself for not studying more. I don't know why I can't force myself to do more. I have free time on my hands on most days, but instead of doing something productive, I usually just sleep, eat, and use the computer. I do study, but in my head it just isn't enough. I spend time with my kids, but it usually isn't a lot of time, and half of it I just feel like strangling my daughter. Some days are better than others. I am working 16 hours a week at the hospital, and I do have about 7 hours of lecture a week - but what about all that comes inbetween that. What really sucks is that most of the time, I feel so lonely. I mean, really really lonely. I can't seem to be alone with myself, without filling the time with food to distract me from feeling so lonely. At least when I feel sick from eating I can focus on that. It feels better to have a stomach ache than to have a heart ache. And I don't even know why. I am around people a lot. I still just feel alone.

I wish that life were always fun and pretty, with cute puppies that don't chew or pee on things, and rainbows and kittens, and money and peace.