Week in review

Thinking about my week, it seems like Monday was a million years ago. I took a test on diabetes and on caring for a patient for surgical procedures. I thought I was well prepared. I go to class, I read the book, I do the study guide, I answer questions from extra books with just test questions. Well, I still got only a 78%, which is the minimum for passing. Most of my friends did worse than I did.

I think that is rediculous. If most people fail a test, it means something. The test wasn't written on what we were taught. She picked weird, obscure things that we hadn't discussed. It is really frustrating, but one thing I have found out about nursing instructors - they don't like to be wrong.

I had a horrible day working at the clinical site yesterday. The day started with Edith screaming about how she didn't have the right jacket. She was still screaming when I left her at daycare. Once I got to the hospital, I found out that the patient that I had picked the day before had also been chosen by one of my classmates. So essentially, the hours of homework I did to prepare myself to take care of that person were out. I had to find a new patient, and get to work on getting the paperwork for her.

While I am working, I have a nursing instructor that helps. The way it works is that we pick 1 patient to take care of and do everything for them. We do bed baths, shots, med administration, walking, etc. They have a nurse on duty who is suppossed to take care of them, but if they have a student, the student does the work. So my nurse got really upset at me for not telling her something about my patient earlier in the day. She was rude to me in front of a lot of people.

I had already had enough, so I left and sobbed for a good 10 minutes before going to my post clinical conference. My instructor didn't seem to notice. Someone mentioned how it was horrible how the nurse treated me, and the instruction just said, 'well, I don't know, I wasn't there' It was lame.

I did work with the same nurse today and it turned out much better. Sorry I am kind of vague, I can't go into too much detail because of privacy rules.

I found out today that my step mother is going to die. I am more emotional than I thought I would be. We don't see each other often, and have had a fight or two. We only talk maybe two times a year. I feel guilty that I didn't call her when I found out she was sick and in the hospital a week ago. Now she is in a coma and won't ever come out. I guess it is a good lesson and calling people when you are thinking about them, instead of putting it off.

I worry about the future and what it holds. My dad will be alone. He hasn't ever been alone. He is pretty close with my sister Stacie, and I am sure that she will be a big support for him. I worry that she won't be able to handle the additional pressure. She has 4 kids of her own. In the short run it is obviously what she needs to do. I just don't know about the future. My dad needs a lot of care because of his disabilites. It isn't something stacie and her family are able to do. He will probably find a nice senior living type of place with help.

I am just feeling somewhat depressed about the whole thing. Dying is so weird. I don't think I believe in an afterlife. I don't know about that. It seems that the people who hurt the most are the ones who are still alive. Working in the hospital, I have seen people who have gotten to a point in their lives where they are unable to do anything for themselves, or who are comatose and don't even speak or move. Death seems better than that, but if there is nothing after that, I can see how people would be afraid to die. I have had a patient who had a feeding tube in their stomach and all they could do was open their eyes. How is that being alive? Is that being dead? I can't even imagine. I would never want to live like that. It seems like such a waste.

I should go to bed. I am probably mispelling, not making sense, and I am falling asleep as I am sitting here.