oh, I don't know

Gosh. I am feeling like I want to write, but don't want to at the same time. I find that I wish I were more witty when writing on this blog, but really, it is just like it says, Diary of a redhead. I can write boring stupid stuff too.

This weekend I passed my certified nursing assistance test, so I can apply for my license now. It doesn't mean that much because I don't plan on working as a CNA, at least not right now. I have started to consider getting a job as a Nurse Tech, which is a fancy name for a CNA who is in nursing school. I would get paid more than a nursing assistant, but have most of the same responsibilities. The nice thing is that if I were to get a nurse tech job they know I am in nursing school so I would only be working 8 hours every other week, but would give me an idea of how the hospital works, and get my foot in the door for applying to get an internship once I have graduated.

School is going okay so far. I constantly feel guilty for not studying more. You would think that I could just study more so as to not feel guilty, but apparently I like feeling that way. I ended up getting a 92% on my first test this quarter. Originally I got an 84, but the teacher gave back points for questions that everyone missed or that she had scored incorrectly. It was kind of scary at first, because several of my friends got failing scores. I have become attached to people and don't want to see them leave the program. Thankfully points were added back and now they have passing scores. (under 78% is failing)

Changing topics completely....Moises. Well, I did end up talking to Moises the next day, and telling them that he was being rediculous and that I wasn't going to give him any of my financial aid money. I did tell him that he didn't have to pay child support - but he has been paying it anyways. He was just drunk and stressed and being a jerk.

NO, I am not making excuses for him. He can be too much, I totally admit that, but I have my problems too. I realize that I only talk about the bad parts of Moises, which makes everyone think he is horrible. Well, any time of abuse and control feels really nasty, but unfortunately I have become accostomed to it. I have to learned to shake it off, I suppose - if that means eating myself to death......(I am so melodramatic)

No, but really. Moises does have some really good qualities. He is a very hard worker. He has always pulled his fair share of the financial responsibilities. Since the time that I quit working when I was pregnant with Edith, he has paid 100% of the household bills (I know I know, that is what he is supposed to do, but he could be a deadbeat and not) He takes care of the kids when I need him too for school. He has taken them on weekend when I need to study or when I am working. He took me to Vegas a few years ago - that way pretty cool. He can be supportive when I am having a hard time with life.

That kind of seems like a lame list. I wish I felt that I could share more of myself with him. That sounds weird, but I mean in terms of things as simple as Facebook. If he were ever to see my facebook account he would FREAK OUT! Big time. Why? Because I happen to have males as friends. I mentioned that I was considered working in the prison system once graduating (I know it sounds crazy, but they need health care too, and the nurses get really good pay and benefits) he got upset. I mean, not super upset, but told me that I couldn't apply to do that. I told him that I would apply where ever I wanted to. Sadly, he isn't worried about me getting hurt or something, it is pure jealousy. Like I would find some great guy at the prison - right.

It bothers me that there is a part of me that would like to break free and just get divorced and over with, but at the same can't do it. I know that my family and friends think I am crazy/stupid/sad and I don't know what else for putting up with his crap. I know that I think that way too. I guess I feel like I have tried to leave (yes, right now I am not living with him, but we are still 'together') so many times and I always get pulled back into the relationship - I feel guilty, I don't want to hurt him, I want the kids to have their father, I know I would not get into another relationship so I would be alone. I am good at being alone, but still, it is nice that somebody wants me ever though I am disgustingly fat.

For the time being, it is what it is. I need to remember that I have told myself not to get wrapped up in it until I am finished with school.