do I really just need a break?

I feel like I really need to write something but I don't have anything to say. Or, I have a lot to say, but how the hell am I supposed to say it? A lot of things that I am feeling, isn't okay for me to write about in the public arena. I feel like I am a pretty open book, but sometimes open books get burned up for being too explicit.

David came and picked up my kids tonight. I asked Stacie to take them. I don't know for how long, but I feel like my heart is broken. On one hand, I feel like I have awesome kids who I love to death. On the other hand is the fact that they are disobedient, and I have no patience and I am not a nice person to be around.

People say that I need a break. Well, a break from what? I had the summer off. The kids are in school so I am free to do whatever I want from 8 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon. I think that if I were to have more free time I would just sleep constantly. I don't feel like doing anything. I almost never do.

Maybe it would help if I felt like I had a meaning to my life. But I don't. I feel like there is no point to this life. It is many years of suffering, and then you die and get eaten by worms. Even if I did believe in an afterlife, what would be the freaking point of that? I mean, I already feel like I am wading through sludge just to get by. Do I want to do that for eternity too? Maybe I have already died, and this is hell.

I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Not just parenting, but all of it. I am just a big fat lazy loser who would be better off dead.