Sunday, March 11, 2012

I don't know why I sit at the computer and just look at facebook forever. I guess that is what everyone does nowadays. What a waste of life. I mean, I could go and work out or read a book or do something constructive, but I just sit on my ass and do nothing.

Moises is all trying to be nice. I fucking hate that shit. He took us all out to dinner today. I don't even know how I am supposed to respond. I mean I am nice and all, but what the fuck. I mean, to fucking little too late. I guess if he really fucking meant it he would have gone to his group like I asked, right? I mean what is the point of all this is shit.

He even went to church. Then Sean Macdonald came over to talk about the priesthood to me and Moises and Balthezar since Balthezar turned 12. I don't know. I mean, I think Balthezar wants to get it and it will probably be a good thing for him, but I just think it is a load of shit. Althought it could be good for Moises too.

I am just sick of this thing on my arm. I just want it to heal and to go away. Who knew that a burn could be this bad? i am sick of the pain and the crap that goes along with it.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

pain

so I have been in physical pain for a couple of weeks now. I did it to myself. I held my arm on the burner of the stove. It got infected. It has been an ordeal. it is a full thickness burn, and I think that my skin is not going to grow back and I need a skin graft. I went to a wound specialist and have some new foams that I am putting on it instead of the silver cream, but it is just looking the same, just dryer. I saw my pyschiatrist yesterday and told him and said that I felt stupid about it. He said that I could use some non-judgemental words. That is so true. I was feeling suicidal and really horrible and I haven't felt that was since. I have felt bad, but mainly been focused on my burn!

I told moises again yesterday that we need to get divorced. He said he couldn't believe I was doing all of this over the toilet. I explained that it isn't the toilet, it is what it represents. Him wanting to teach me a lesson verses not wanted to pitch in and help out. He was like - well, I did teach you a lesson, you guys are flushing now! Great - you taught me a lesson and now are loosing your wife. How about them apples!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

two days

It has been two days since I stopped calling people. It had been really difficult for me. I hold my phone and think about calling people all of the time, but then I think what for? Do they really care? I mean, if someone really cared, would they notice that I haven't called for two days. I guess it isn't exactly true. I had to call mom yesterday and ask her to watch Edith for tomorrow, but I tried to get off the phone as fast as possible. I don't want to take her precious time. I mean, she could be doing something really important or something. Stacie has a new dog to take of, so you know, that is much more important and pressing that a sister. I mean, he is going to pee on her floor and make it smell, so god forbid. Genevieve did call me. That was a miracle. She never calls me. She just got married 9 years and left. She has her own kids and life to attend to. Kathy is busy with school and life in cheney so she doesn't call, and Josh has a full time job and a fiance. I understand why people don't call. It is a crazy busy world out there. No one has time for each other. Why would they have time for me. And even if they did have time for me, what exactly would they do? I mean, it isn't exactly like I am little miss sunshine. I am a big fat ugly depressed bitch. I hate you.

People always say after some big tragedy, like a big shooting, or after someone kills themself, or kills their family -"Oh, no, we had no idea. Stupid fucks. No one is paying attention to anybody. If anybody paid the slightest attention to people that shit wouldn't happen.

I actually feel better today. I talked to Holger online. He is really sweet. I also burned myself pretty bad on the stove. It really stings. Nothing like pain to feel better. Maybe I just need to take a week vacation to Denmark. I would have to loose 100 pounds first. I couldn't fly by myself over there at this weight. That is lame.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I am finding that it would probably be really hard to kill myself with pills. I would have to do it a really violent way if I were to do it. I only say that because the other day I took 5 sleeping pills and all I did was sleep like normal. Last night I took 120mg of propanolol and 9 clonazapam and the same thing. I did feel a little drunk like before I feel asleep, but besides that I didn't really feel all that much of anything. I guess when I took them I was expecting to sleep a lot longer than normal. At least be more in a dead like sleep than normal. But no. I was woken up in the middle of the night by my kids like normal and woke up in the morning just like normal. So I guess what I am trying to say that if I ever decide to kill myself with pills, I really need to have a lot of pills, not just 10-20. I would need a lot of them. That would be hard to come by. Right now, I don't have much of anything left. I was going to start drinking. I thought that might be nice. But I had one can of some drink the other week and it made me sick for several days. I think it is because of all of the medication that I take. Oh course, no one notices. It is funny that people don't even notice anything. I did get a call from Genevieve today. It made me cry. It made me wonder if for some strange reason someone decided to actually pay attention to something that I am writing about and look at why I am saying. She just said she hadn't talked to me in a while. It was nice I guess. It made me cry. I either feel really mad, like I want to cry, or like nothing at all. Right now, I just feel nothing. But then again, I just took a bunch of pills again before getting ready for bed, so maybe that is part of it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

alone

I have begun to realize how alone I am in the world. There are ways that make me seen that I am not, but it is just fake. I have a cell phone that I call people on. but I am the only one who ever does the calling. Does it count if I were to stop calling and then I would never hear from anyone? I don't think so. I think that it would be possible for me to kill my entire family on a friday night and nobody would ever know until maybe tuesday or wednesday the next week because the school would start wondering where Balthezar was. Or maybe Isaiah and his family would start to worry that all of our cars were there but no one was answering the doorbell. But then I would have to kill Chango too to make that work out to see how long it would take for someone to notice that we were all dead. I think it would be about a week. That is pretty sad. It makes me cry to think that people don't really care about me that much. I mean. I know people care, but that I don't have enough going on in my life that people would notice that I was gone. You here stories about those kind of people and feel sorry for them for about 2 seconds and then your life just goes on.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It's been a year

I looked at the date of the last post and by the time I post this it will have been exactly one year since my last post. Weird. I felt like blogging because I have been really holding all of my emotions in lately and decided I should get it out. I am not really sure what exactly I want to get out. It is weird being happy in some ways but miserable in others.

I moved back to Puyallup in January. I can't believe we have already been here for almost a year. The time has really flown. The first few months mainly because I was working so much there wasn't a chance for me to think. Now that I have a much less stressful job, it is weird thinking about that time.

Although my job is less stressful, it has created some issues for me. The hours have mostly been on the weekend, and crazy all day split shift then all night shifts, or 16 hour all night from 10pm to 2 pm the next day. I feel tired all the time and even after a few days off work, all I want to do is sleep.

I am pretty depressed in general I think. I try to cover it up, but I can feel that 'covering up' building as fat on my body. All I seem to do lately is eat and sleep. About a month ago I said something to Moises about how I am feeling really depressed and like I am not good for anything. Within minutes he was trying to have sex with me. I was like, fine, whatever and we had sex. I think that may have been one of the last times we have had sex, because I felt so upset about it afterward, then some other things have happened and I have just said no. It is the longest we have ever gone without sex while being in the same country. I am fine with it, because I am mad at him. He on the other hand, hasn't said anything, but won't help with stuff. I know that it is kind of like sick, twisted, whatever, but it is kind of like I have been able to get him to do some things for me, or let me do things, by me having sex with him.

Why am writing this on my blog. Well, no one reads it anymore. And I guess if you do, well you know me well enough to know my sick stuff. right?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Aberdeen

I started my day today almost not going. I convinced myself that something bad was going to happen and that I needed to stay home. Instead I found myself enjoying a nice scenic drive to Aberdeen and being show around a large skilled nursing facility. I was impressed with the number of lifts that they have for the staff to use - I hope that they are being used. I did feel kind of uncomfortable and out of place. It also bothered me that the dementia unit has the least amount of nursing staff with the same amount of patients, and smells like urine. I don't think I want to work down there.

The pay is great 24.60 an hour, $1.50 extra for the evening shift, and $2.50 extra an hour for night shift. So if I took nights, I could be making $27.10 an hour. If I were to work 32 hours a week it would work out to over $3500 dollars a month before taxes/insurance, and that type of stuff.

I am freaking out about taking it though. I am worried about the kids. I am worried about the drive. I am worried that something better will come along and I will miss it. I am worried that something better won't come along and I will be stuck there. I am worried about not liking the job. I am worried about not liking the people. I am worried about hating the work.

I always felt that way about clinical though, and I always ended up liking it. I would make myself sick ahead of time, and would end up doing fine. This can be great too. I think of all the posibilities. I could help pay rent. I could sign the kids up for gymnastics. I could start a college fund.

I think I am worried about having that much money. I mean, what if I just blow it all. I don't know what on, but I am sure that I could blow it all on stupid shit.