Saturday, March 28, 2009

sushi and saki

I tried real sushi for the first time ever today. Wow! Yummy! First I had this weird salad made from seaweed and sesame seeds. It looked really weird, like slimy grass. But it was one of the best salads I have ever had. Then the waitress came with our sushi. I had a 6 piece combination with a california roll. So, I have only had california rolls before - but these california rolls were so good! The sushi was just pieces of different kinds of fish on top of a little block of rice. There was salmon and tuna, and several other types of fish. I put that green paste - I forget what it is called. It burns and clears your sinuses. All I can say is wow. I think the tuna was my favorite.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Al is a sad fat cat

I am upset at a recent event in our household. Edith has become quite the reader, so I have gotten out the Frontline Phonics books that never went over well with Balthezar.

There is one titled 'Ham and Jam'

It is the story of Al the cat.

Al is a cat (Happy cat curled up looking around)
Al has ham (cat with a big hamhock)
Al has jam (cat licking lips with a jar of jam and jam all over himself, tummy getting distended)
Al has ham and jam (jam halfway empty, ham halfway eaten, has jam everywhere, and the stomach is bigger)
Al is a fat cat (cat rubbing his distended belly with a sad look on face)
Al is a sad fat cat (same as before)
Al ran. Al ran and ran. (cat on a treadmill with tennis shoes and sweatbands)
Al is a cat (Al is happy again and showing off his new figure)

The 'questions to ask after reading the book'
What made Al so fat?
What did Al eat first?
What did Al do to become thin again?
Why is Al smiling?

I took the book, made a happy face on all the sad faces and crossed out the 'sad' and put in 'happy', but Edith didn't like it like that and wrote in 'sad' again. Now I have it and it will not be in her reading anymore.

Even childrens books are putting pressure on kids that being thin is good, and if you are fat you should be sad.

Now I am remembering Maira's reaction when she got on the WII fit. I don't think that she had her height put in correctly, but at any rate, she got on it and it said she was overweight. Now it doesn't just say you are overweight, it shows your little character getting all fat and sad. Poor Maira was really sad about that. I feel guilty for letting them use it and her having that experience. I told her that the game is messed up and not to worry about it. Now it is just pissing me off.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

decide already

Okay, so I am being a little crazy about this whole class thing. I don't know why I can't make up my mind, although for the time being, I have registered for it. I sent an e-mail to my counselor to see what she has to say. Maybe I will send an email to my nursing counselor as well. As I am sitting here, I am realizing that it would mean that I would be in school until 6 pm on Ediths birthday. Should that make me change it? I mean, we can do dinner and cake after 6. I decided to fold up some papers with the names of the classes on them and just sign up for the one that I picked at random, and it was the spanish class.

Mom says that I can't make up my mind because I am afraid that I will make the 'wrong' decision and regret it. She points out that any choice that I make will work out. this is true. I am still freaking out about it though. I have too much time on my hands maybe?

I am making a quilt for Moises. It is keeping me busy. I also got a couple of patterns for some cute summer little girls clothes. I figure I can try my hand at sewing while I have the next week off. I also make a reservation for Edith's birthday party at Chuck E cheese's. I couldn't decide on that forever either. I was going back and forth between her actually birthday, which is a thursday, and the Sunday after it. I mean, Sunday is probably better, but the time available was at 12, so I am thinking, is that okay for people. What if people can't come. Well, who cares? The poeple who can come will come. I don't know why I am so worried about making the wrong choice. It is driving me mad!

Monday, March 23, 2009

spanish or business

I can't make up my mind. I need to take at least 1 more credit if I want my full financial aid package. My nursing courses are only 11 credits. There aren't very many classes to choose from. There is a spanish for health care providers, but it is 5 whole credits. I don't want to get too bogged down with homework. Then there are some 1 credit online classes that would probably be really simple, but something about taking a simple boring online class just seems like a waste. I am going to school to learn. I don't want to take a class simply to take it. Obviously that spanish class is the better option for me. It will definately help me in the long run, and just sitting here writing makes it seem like the best choice, but at the same time, my mind is saying that I don't want to have to work too hard.

I don't know!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

told ya so

yup. Already too much time on my hands. Or maybe not the time, per se, but the lack of stuff for my mind to be focusing on. When I don't have a lot going on in my mind, I tend to fill it with thoughts of food. What should I eat. What shouldn't I eat. When am I going to eat. How long has it been since I ate. What sounds good. What can I eat next. Why don't I feel satisfied.

It goes on and on. I am trying to find things to do instead. I am writing on here. I spent an hour playing pretend with Edith. I am reading a book. I read the key points for all the chapters that we will be covering in class once break is over. I talked to Gen. I talked to Luth. I called a friend and wished her happy birthday. I talked to Josh. I talked to Moies. I read books to my kids. I visited some of my favorite blog sights.

I still have too much empty space in my head.

Time to get out?

I am feeling upset today. It is my own fault. I had my visiting teachers come over. For those who don't know, it is a couple of women from the mormon church who come over and visit for a bit and share a short gospel lesson. I have been open to it in the past. I like my visiting teacher.

I think it is probably time to let them know that I am out. Like - not interested. How does one do that nicely. I am assuming that maybe the next time she calls I will say that she doesn't need to visit me anymore. It will save her time and mine.

I only say this because my visiting teachers came over, one of them happens to be the relief society president. She got out the church magazine, called the Ensign and wanted to talk about families. She started by saying something about how people are trying to destroy the family, and brought up proposition 8. I told her that she had better not start that discussion with me because it wasn't a good idea. They both then looked really uncomfortable and talked about doing our best for our families and how we need to do our civic duty to keep families save.

Anyhow, now I am just feeling unsettled. The last time she came over, she asked what she could do to get me back at church. I said that there probably wasn't anything. I didn't go into detail. I don't know why I can't say - hey, I don't believe in this so stop trying. I probably should. I feel like I am lying to them by letting them come and visit me.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I think that I am so impatient that it is driving me crazy - mostly because my poor little kids are totally picking up on my bad behavior. Balthezar won't do things if he cant do it perfect the first time. it is frustrating.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My new blender

I don't know if I have mentioned my new blender here. I am really excited about it. Doesn't that sound weird - to be excited about a blender. Well, it is one of those really cool ones like the Vitamix. It is called Blendtec though. Every morning I have a smoothy with tofu, banana, apple, orange, a cup or so of spinach and maybe some frozen peaches or strawberries and ice. Mix it up and I have a great breakfast that tides me over until lunch time. Tonight I had one because I wanted to snack on something, had an early dinner. I used red chard instead of spinach. Yummy! I want to start making soups more often with it. I made some banana bread today with it. First I made my own oat flour, and then mix everything together in the blender. It came out really salty though, so I will do it differently next time. I will probably try 1/2 oat flour and 1/2 regular flour, regular sugar instead of the splenda, and maybe put in some nuts ground up really well first, so my kids will eat it. Or not - and not add the calories.

Two weeks with myself

auh! Spring break. I have two weeks with no deadlines. It feels really weird. I have had a test every week for several weeks now, and the pressure was really intense. One of my biggest worries is that my friend Luth would fail out of the program. She got a really bad score one one test, and since the average that we have to maintain is 78%, she had to do really well on the last 2 tests. Well, after the final today, I thought that she was out. I encouraged her to plead case to the staff - the fact that all her other test scores were good, she did really bad on one but it was related to personal issues - so it isn't like she can't pass the NCLEX (nursing exam to get our liscence - they say that the reason they fail people at 78% is that your chances are slim of passing the NCLEX) and I told her to remind them to add in the quiz scores which she did really well on.

Well, I came home and was pretty depressed. My friend Ashley is out of the program too. I took a nap, picked up the kids, and was puttering around feeling pretty down, when Luth called. Apparently she had done better than she thought, and Nancy is letting her stay in the program!! I was so excited I was screaming and crying! I know it seems like a huge reaction, but I have spend a lot of time with her in the past few weeks and months (actually, the last 2 weeks I have probably spent more time with her than my children) and I was just so sad about 'losing' her. I hate getting close to people and then having to lose them.

I knew that we would still be friends if she wasn't in the program, but I'm not sure. Only because of how awkward I felt after taking the test and knowing that I was okay and she wasn't. We have bonded besides on school stuff, but I don't know how she would have taken it.

So now I have two weeks to myself without school woes. My new teacher for the next quarter won't even post a syllabus for us because she says she wants us to take the 2 weeks and regroup. I have found vacations in the past to be stressful. I spend a lot of time with my kids, and we can end up getting on each others nerves. I also end up eating a lot, because I want to fill my time, and it is the easy thing for me to go to. My eating has been so well lately, that I hope I can fill my time with positive stuff. I plan on studying too. We have a calender for the next quarter, so I know what the tests are on, so I will go off that. It is nice though, that if I end up not studying, I won't feel guilty about it.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Fat Acceptance

So I have recently gotten more involved with my eating disorder recovery and have been focused on fat acceptance. My therapist has made comments about it over the past couple of year, but I have just waved it off thinking to myself - How on earth can I accept myself at this weight?

I am finally getting it! It feels really good. I have found some really good resources online and some great books. One that I am really enjoying is called Fat?So! How ingenious for a title! It is really funny. One thing that is common in the fat acceptance community is that there is a misrepresentation on the dangers of obesity. Now, that for me has been hard to swallow in some terms, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.

For example: Supposedly we are all getting fatter, right? (I don't know, I feel like people look the same as always, but maybe people 20 or 30 years ago were thinner) Who is making more money as we all get fatter? Doctors, insurance companies, medication manufaturers (who pay for the research to be done) and of course the diet industry. We are talking about BIG BUSINESS here. None of these people really want anybody to loose weight. None of these people want to 'help' people with the obesity epidemic. They want to make money. (well, except doctors who do want to help and are just listening to what they are told by 'research'

So what would happen if everyone just stopped obsessing about their weight and relaxed a little. What if we could get rid of the hatred of what a 'fat' body looks like. I haven't ever been able to change by people (myself included) being mean and hating me. So, it creates a viscous circle. Loose weight, loose will power, give up, get distracted, gain more weight, hate yourself more. Would we all just chill out, love ourselves more, focus on other things, and with that - not focus on food so much, and maybe loose a couple of pounds?

I just know that I have been feeling better about myself in the past couple of weeks. I have stopped eating more of the times that I felt full (which isn't something I do often) I have asked myself if I really want to eat more, or just want the taste/bored/angry, etc and then decided if I want to eat it. If I am full, I am reminding myself that it will be there later when I am hungry. I don't have to eat it now, it isn't going to disappear!

Now, mind you. I don't think that being super morbidly obese is healthy (super morbid obese is the technical term for my bmi - kind of feels like I should make a halloween costume and be Super Obese Woman - crimefighter!) I can feel a difference in how I feel when I am this weight and when I have been other weights. But seriously, all the times in my life, when I have looked good and felt great, I was still considered 'obese'

I am just feeling good about feeling good! (and spring break is in only one week!)