Thursday, February 23, 2012

two days

It has been two days since I stopped calling people. It had been really difficult for me. I hold my phone and think about calling people all of the time, but then I think what for? Do they really care? I mean, if someone really cared, would they notice that I haven't called for two days. I guess it isn't exactly true. I had to call mom yesterday and ask her to watch Edith for tomorrow, but I tried to get off the phone as fast as possible. I don't want to take her precious time. I mean, she could be doing something really important or something. Stacie has a new dog to take of, so you know, that is much more important and pressing that a sister. I mean, he is going to pee on her floor and make it smell, so god forbid. Genevieve did call me. That was a miracle. She never calls me. She just got married 9 years and left. She has her own kids and life to attend to. Kathy is busy with school and life in cheney so she doesn't call, and Josh has a full time job and a fiance. I understand why people don't call. It is a crazy busy world out there. No one has time for each other. Why would they have time for me. And even if they did have time for me, what exactly would they do? I mean, it isn't exactly like I am little miss sunshine. I am a big fat ugly depressed bitch. I hate you.

People always say after some big tragedy, like a big shooting, or after someone kills themself, or kills their family -"Oh, no, we had no idea. Stupid fucks. No one is paying attention to anybody. If anybody paid the slightest attention to people that shit wouldn't happen.

I actually feel better today. I talked to Holger online. He is really sweet. I also burned myself pretty bad on the stove. It really stings. Nothing like pain to feel better. Maybe I just need to take a week vacation to Denmark. I would have to loose 100 pounds first. I couldn't fly by myself over there at this weight. That is lame.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I am finding that it would probably be really hard to kill myself with pills. I would have to do it a really violent way if I were to do it. I only say that because the other day I took 5 sleeping pills and all I did was sleep like normal. Last night I took 120mg of propanolol and 9 clonazapam and the same thing. I did feel a little drunk like before I feel asleep, but besides that I didn't really feel all that much of anything. I guess when I took them I was expecting to sleep a lot longer than normal. At least be more in a dead like sleep than normal. But no. I was woken up in the middle of the night by my kids like normal and woke up in the morning just like normal. So I guess what I am trying to say that if I ever decide to kill myself with pills, I really need to have a lot of pills, not just 10-20. I would need a lot of them. That would be hard to come by. Right now, I don't have much of anything left. I was going to start drinking. I thought that might be nice. But I had one can of some drink the other week and it made me sick for several days. I think it is because of all of the medication that I take. Oh course, no one notices. It is funny that people don't even notice anything. I did get a call from Genevieve today. It made me cry. It made me wonder if for some strange reason someone decided to actually pay attention to something that I am writing about and look at why I am saying. She just said she hadn't talked to me in a while. It was nice I guess. It made me cry. I either feel really mad, like I want to cry, or like nothing at all. Right now, I just feel nothing. But then again, I just took a bunch of pills again before getting ready for bed, so maybe that is part of it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

alone

I have begun to realize how alone I am in the world. There are ways that make me seen that I am not, but it is just fake. I have a cell phone that I call people on. but I am the only one who ever does the calling. Does it count if I were to stop calling and then I would never hear from anyone? I don't think so. I think that it would be possible for me to kill my entire family on a friday night and nobody would ever know until maybe tuesday or wednesday the next week because the school would start wondering where Balthezar was. Or maybe Isaiah and his family would start to worry that all of our cars were there but no one was answering the doorbell. But then I would have to kill Chango too to make that work out to see how long it would take for someone to notice that we were all dead. I think it would be about a week. That is pretty sad. It makes me cry to think that people don't really care about me that much. I mean. I know people care, but that I don't have enough going on in my life that people would notice that I was gone. You here stories about those kind of people and feel sorry for them for about 2 seconds and then your life just goes on.