Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I am finding that it would probably be really hard to kill myself with pills. I would have to do it a really violent way if I were to do it. I only say that because the other day I took 5 sleeping pills and all I did was sleep like normal. Last night I took 120mg of propanolol and 9 clonazapam and the same thing. I did feel a little drunk like before I feel asleep, but besides that I didn't really feel all that much of anything. I guess when I took them I was expecting to sleep a lot longer than normal. At least be more in a dead like sleep than normal. But no. I was woken up in the middle of the night by my kids like normal and woke up in the morning just like normal. So I guess what I am trying to say that if I ever decide to kill myself with pills, I really need to have a lot of pills, not just 10-20. I would need a lot of them. That would be hard to come by. Right now, I don't have much of anything left. I was going to start drinking. I thought that might be nice. But I had one can of some drink the other week and it made me sick for several days. I think it is because of all of the medication that I take. Oh course, no one notices. It is funny that people don't even notice anything. I did get a call from Genevieve today. It made me cry. It made me wonder if for some strange reason someone decided to actually pay attention to something that I am writing about and look at why I am saying. She just said she hadn't talked to me in a while. It was nice I guess. It made me cry. I either feel really mad, like I want to cry, or like nothing at all. Right now, I just feel nothing. But then again, I just took a bunch of pills again before getting ready for bed, so maybe that is part of it.

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