Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 Comes to an end

I just wanted to take a few minutes and write down some thoughts about this past year. It seems to have flown by. I can hardly believe that in 6 more months, I will be a nurse. This year has been a good one for me, I think. I have make 2 great friendships from school, and I hope that we will be friends for the years to come. This past month I have gotten more focused on myself and what I need to do to take better care of myself. That includes joining weight watchers and also going back to my overeaters anonymous meetings. So far, things are going okay. This past month I am down about 4 pounds, which is better than the 10-15 that most people gain over the holidays. It is still really hard for me, but hopefully as time goes by it will be easier.

I have never been one to do much of a new years resolution list, but this year I feel prompted to write down some goals for this year to come. My biggest goal, is graduating from school and getting gainfully employed! The thought of actually having a job after all these years feels really daunting! I am hoping that I will handle it well. I also have a goal of starting classes at the University of Washington for my bachelors of Nursing. They have a part time program that meets one day a week for two years in Tacoma. Marcella, Luth and I have talked about all going together. I have a goal to be down 15 pounds by my birthday, 60 by graduation, and between 75 and 100 by this time next year. I look forward to getting support from my family and friends on this one. Support to me for this is having family go on walks together, eating healthy meals together, keeping healthy foods in the house, and binge foods out of the house (hopefully!) I would also like to start spending 15 minutes of quality one on one time each day with my children. So often, I find myself taking a nap, playing on the computer, calling people or watching tv, when I could be doing something with my kids.


Happy new year everyone.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Beyond livid

I am fucking beyond livid. I want to punch a fucking hole in the wall among other things. I realize that I may be over-reacting, since I am on my period. This is never a good time to fuck with me. And the one person in my life who really likes to fuck with me is a god damned expert and I always forgive him. Why? I don't fucking know why. It makes no fucking sense to me.

Edith called him yesterday because she really wanted to talk to him, but he didn't answer his phone. I texted him a while later and got no response. I called again after the kids had gone to bed at about 10:30 and he said I woke him up, so I just let him go.

So I was kind of upset because I don't like that he didn't respond to us all night. Today I call and ask him what was up and he said his phone was charging in the bedroom, and he was watching tv in the living room. Fine, whatever. He then says he is off work and coming to pick me up to go grab something to eat. Well, he works only about 15 minutes from here, but an hour later he shows up. I ask him what's up, why did it take so long. He says his boss needed him to work some more. I told him it would be nice if he called to let me know that and of course he gets upset because he does what he has to do to keep his job. That is fine with me, I would just like a fucking phone call, Alright!?

So we get the kids and go to eat, drop Balthezar off at cubscouts and come home. Well, on the way home I ask him if it would be okay if he watched the kids and I could go to an OA meeting. His response is something to the effect of - what for? It is just you driving around and wasting gas, he says. Okay, go fuck yourself buddy. We get home and he goes into the kids room and is watching tv, I ask him why he says stuff like that. He says for me to just go and he doesn't know why he said it. (to piss me off and make me feel bad is what I'm thinking)

So I go to the meeting, stop at Safeway to pick him up lunch for tomorrow and come home. It is almost 9, so think that he has probably not gotten them to sleep, but the kids are probably in bed, right? No. They are eating because they say they are starving - which I doubt, but whatever. I try to read books with them but he isn't respectfull of that and plays around with the kids so they aren't listening and are getting wound up. I then just told the kids I love them and left.

He comes out a few hours later, after falling asleep in there and watches tv with me and my mom for a while. When we all decide to go to bed, he says something about the bed not being made. I don't ever make the bed. Bedmaking makes no real sense for me and I have never really done it. He knows that. He is the one who usually will make the bed. Well, I go to the bathroom and go to my room and he isn't in there. He has decided to sleep in the kids' room. WTF?! I mean, really? I don't make the fucking bed like always and you decide to not sleep with me because of it. Well, fuck you too, asshole. Don't expect to be sleeping in my goddamned bed any time soon motherfucker. I fucking hate you, you stupid prick.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Balthezar got stabbed!

I am feeling anxious and mad! Balthezar was held down by one kid, while another stood over him and slobbered all over him, and yet another stabbed him with a pencil at his daycare today. I found out about it because his teacher called me at the end of the school day and told me that Balthezar was refusing to get on the daycare van because he was afraid.

I talked to his daycare for over an hour about the whole incident. The kids who did it are giving a different story. The daycare people wonder why he didn't say anything about getting hurt, and how he seemed fine on the ride to school. They know that something happened, because all of a sudden all the boys were on the floor, and Balthezar had some kids slobber all over his jacket. I try to take what any kid, including my own, says with a grain of salt. Not because they are kids (I should rephrase that and say that I do that for adults too!) but because they have so much going on and their bodies move around so much, and don't pay attention sometimes. Well, the kids in question have been suspended from the daycare in the past, and in general are discipline problems, (maybe conduct disorder?) so I don't trust their word for it - but my son's word.

The fact of the matter is that he has blood on his leg. Not a huge cut, but a cut. It could have just as easily been his crotch, eye, stomach, you name it. I asked them why they continue to keep disciplining them the same way, since it obviously isn't working, and also why they even bother with keeping the children in the daycare. Well, they agreed with me that I should be angry, and said they will talk with the parents and the kids, and that if things don't change they will be kicked out. Well, good. But at the same time, I feel there is an injustice and no consequences. I told them that I was actually seriously considering contacting the police to make a complaint of assault. I know that is a really hard line to draw, but if Balthezar is being abused by some asshole kid, a time-out really isn't appropriate. The director sounded pretty scared when I said that and asked if I would think about it. She said she would call the police on Monday and see if they could get some police officers to come in and talk to the kids about assaulting people A 'scared straight' mini meeting, I suppose. I said that would be great. Thinking about it though, I am still just mad and want more done, more closure, more SOMETHING!

I told them that I might not bring the kids back, but that I feel it wouldn't be fair that I am the person looking for a new day care for my children instead of the kids who are the problem. And finding a spot in a daycare sucks because half the time all the spaces are filled, and the other half of the time, they don't take DSHS. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Is it December already?

I can't believe that I am a mere 6 months away from being an RN. It seems like I have been working towards this for so long, but I also feel like I can't remember where the time went it has been so fast.

I am thinking to myself that I know that I enjoy writing down what is going on in my life, but at the same time, I haven't written anything for a long time, and haven't been writting often for a long time. I can see how that is the trend with the others on my blog list. What's up guys!!!??

So, of course I wait to write something until I am upset - and of course, my main topic of upsetness, Moises. Nothing new. I won't write any details, because it isn't really that interesting. I just know that I am feeling crappy, and maybe writing will help me to feel better.

I am thinking more and more about my weight lately. I joined weight watchers. I did well for the first week, then for the next couple of weeks, didn't really do anything at all. I didn't even go to a meeting. Kathy joined tonight, and I went to the meeting, so I hope that with some support I can feel better about eating better. I went to an OA meeting for the first time in years on Sunday. I am doing a community resource report for school and had to pick something to educate the people in my class about. It felt really good to go. I have heard people in the past say that they go somewhere and it feels like 'home' I have never understood that saying, but I totally felt like that. I think I will start to go back to meetings.

Well, it is very late, and morning comes early, unfortunately!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

She is only 6!!!

Edith was taking a bath the other day. She looked down at her legs and said, "Mommy, my legs are hairy, I need to shave them." In my head I am thinking, oh my gosh, what am I supposed to say to that, and she's only 6, what the hell?! So I say, well, girls all have hair that grows on their legs. I say, 'look, mommy has hair on her legs'. Her response: But all the skinny beautiful girls don't have hair on their legs.

WTF!!!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

State testing folly

Balthezar passed the WASL for the third grade. I am pretty happy about that.

The teachers spend all of their time teaching kids how to pass the WASL. Balthezar brings home practice tests all of the time. This week Balthezar brought home his practice test and he was so excited - he only got 1 wrong! The instructions for the problem is to read the sentence and to pick the word that is the same as the bolded word in the sentence.

Please do this FAVOR for me.

Now the correct answer was 'kind act'

Balthezar however chose 'a dull chore'

hmmmmmmm

Sunday, September 20, 2009

coming out of the hole

I miss my kids. I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is true sometimes. I miss Edith's little pictures that she is always drawing and sharing with me. I miss Balthezar's excitement about his favorite television shows.

I just don't think that I can go through with it. I don't know if I am being selfish or realistic or what. I just can't listen to their voices asking me to come home. I feel like either way I have already made a mistake. They know they have been sent away from me. They aren't stupid. I want them home, but what happens when I have a breakdown again? I don't feel that low very often. I think the combination of coming home, kids starting school, me about to start school made for a bad combination. Then I got really sick and felt like hell for over a week. On top of that I started my period. On a normal month I feel like dying right before my period. With the combination of all of that, it was really, really bad.

Did I say something to anyone? no Did I ask for help? not really. I did ask Moises to help at the very end, when I knew that I was near the edge. He did come over a couple days later and hang out with the kids. Obviously he didn't think it was that serious. Maybe I could have been more aggressive with asking for help. I couldn't ask Kathy for help, as she was not coming to the house because of family issues. I thought about it, but knew she wouldn't come over. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't ask mom for help either.

I guess one thing I have learned is that I really need to put together a list of people for help when I am feeling like I can't take it anymore. I have done this in the past, but haven't done it recently, and haven't taken it seriously. I mean, having a safety plan in place for myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and I don't have to dispair and think that the world is over. I also need to put together a menstral calendar for myself, so that I can see where I am at and when I should be getting my period. This will help me to remember that when I am feeling like I want to die, it probably just means that I am going to have my period. If I know when my period will be, I can remind myself that I really don't want to kill myself, it is just my period.

I need to call my therapist on monday and make an appointment. I would like to see if I can get in to see my psychiatrist as well. I think I am also going to make an appointment to see doctor Kaminski about getting on Yaz for my issues with my menstral cycle. It just isn't right to feel that way EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!

I am also going to swallow my pride and call the school counselor at the kids' school and ask about parenting classes. I really need some help. I watched about 4 hours of Supernanny in the past couple of days, and have seen how I am not completely failing, but have a ton of room for growth. I would like to put up a big poster board with house rules like she does, and put together something specific for rewarding the children. I have talked about it and haven't followed through with it. I really want to find a way to spend more quality time with them every day having fun. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I have not been enjoying them enough, and they are getting negative attention from me instead of good attention. Even if it is just 15 minutes a day doing something fun.

Something that I need to get into place is a firm, written plan about how I am going to loose weight. It is something that my psychiatrist has been asking me to do for months. Having something written will help to keep a committment to myself. I think that part of the reason I haven't been doing as much with the kids is because I am just too tired. I hope that exercising and eating a bit better will help me feel better. Carrying around an extra person all day, everyday tends to make one feel pretty tired!

So what do I need? I need support. I will need some gentle reminders to get back on track. I am not ready to let my kids go until I have really tried to make this work. Thinking about being without them makes me feel numb and horrible. Again, I will need help, so please, please if you read this, help me out and ask me how its going. Ask me to go on a walk with you. Ask me to have my kids help to make a healthy meal. Ask me how my parenting classes are going. Give me a reminder of how I am doing - that I can keep going.

Friday, September 18, 2009

burning eyes

My eyes feel like they are burning I have cried so much lately. I just wish that I could end it. I don't even know why I am crying. I don't feel like I am feeling anything. Just dispair really. I deep black nothingness. I am ready to give up. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to stay awake. I don't want to go out, and I don't want to stay home.

I miss my kids. Why am I such a bitch? I am sick of stumbling through life. I don't enjoy it very often. It is just a mass of nothing. I am always just tired, and grumpy, and lazy, and horrid. Maybe not at the same time, but at least one or two.

I usually medicate with food. Food doesn't even sound good to me anymore.

(edited out for privacy!) and part of me wants to just stop it because I know that people hate people who do that. I know, I am crazy.

It is just too much. Either way, my decisions make bad decisions that hurt people, inconvenience people, or scare people. I can't imagine my life without them, I don't want them to hate me - which will happen with whatever I do. That is why it seems easier to do others things. I will be hated even more.

The whole thing is just stupid. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Only disneyland dads get that.

do I really just need a break?

I feel like I really need to write something but I don't have anything to say. Or, I have a lot to say, but how the hell am I supposed to say it? A lot of things that I am feeling, isn't okay for me to write about in the public arena. I feel like I am a pretty open book, but sometimes open books get burned up for being too explicit.

David came and picked up my kids tonight. I asked Stacie to take them. I don't know for how long, but I feel like my heart is broken. On one hand, I feel like I have awesome kids who I love to death. On the other hand is the fact that they are disobedient, and I have no patience and I am not a nice person to be around.

People say that I need a break. Well, a break from what? I had the summer off. The kids are in school so I am free to do whatever I want from 8 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon. I think that if I were to have more free time I would just sleep constantly. I don't feel like doing anything. I almost never do.

Maybe it would help if I felt like I had a meaning to my life. But I don't. I feel like there is no point to this life. It is many years of suffering, and then you die and get eaten by worms. Even if I did believe in an afterlife, what would be the freaking point of that? I mean, I already feel like I am wading through sludge just to get by. Do I want to do that for eternity too? Maybe I have already died, and this is hell.

I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Not just parenting, but all of it. I am just a big fat lazy loser who would be better off dead.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

bits and pieces

I feel like I have a lot to say most of the time, but by the time I sit down here to write it, I find I am blank.

I have gotten used to the turkies (how on earth do you spell that?) We now have 7 of them. I spent most of the afternoon at the plaza (an outdoor open shopping place) buying stuff for the wedding. We bought 20 pounds of salt (yikes), 25 pounds of cookies (for the mole) 10 liters of cooking oil, 4 dozen plates, 50 pounds of rice, 2 pounds of dried chiles (we still have to buy another 15 or 20 pounds, they are really expensive so we didn´t have enough today) and a few pounds of chocolate (for the mole)

I am going to Tepeaca tomorrow to buy a ´flower girl´dress for Edith. I got my feeling hurt when I found out that the bride hadn´t actually included her. Then, they next day I got into a fight with Aaron about how he talks to me disrespecfully and how I won´t have it. I called Moises and told him that I would rather come home or rent a room. He freaked out, but was mad at his brother and parents not me. I felt really good because he stood up for me. We now have an "official" room for when we stay here. Aaron now has his "official room" as well, and they kids aren´t allowed to go in (as that is why he was being a jerk in the first place because the kids let flies into his room)

I gotta go! The bathroom calls and they is no such thing as a public bathroom around here.

Monday, August 3, 2009

turkey, dogs and donkeys

I am grumpy and depressed, and tired, homesick, bored, and angry. I just literally feel like shit. I have been feeling down for a while now. I have expected it to go away as it always does with my period. I haven´t had my period, it is a week late, and I still feel like crap. (no, no posibility of pregnancy! - It would me the second coming is near)

I bought some new bras today. I thought that would help me feel better, but it didn´t. Now I am worried about money. I don´t need to worry, because it will all work out, but I am just so good at it. The bras are really nice. They have super duper support. They are really well made too, to last for years. They are only 20 dollars, so if you want me to bring a couple home with me, let me know. I will tell you how to get your measurements because they are custom made.

Marcella called me last night, which was really nice. I forget how much I miss being able to talk to someone with no language barrier. I mean, my spanish is okay, but I feel like I cant express myself well sometimes.

I am not sleeping well at night. All I can hear are dogs barking, donkeys braying (is that the right word) and the newest addition is turkeys gobbling. We got 3 turkeys the other day to fatten up for the wedding. They are so freaking loud it is unbelievable!

Edith says to me: Mom, are we going to eat those turkeys
me: yes, when your uncle gets married
Edith: does that mean we are going to kill them?
me: yes, we are going to kill them and eat them.
Edith: Can I watch when they kill them!
Me: uh.....sure.......

She also recently asked me about cows having babies. She asked me if we were going to kill the cows to eat. I said that maybe someday we would. She said that we should wait until they have babies first. Then she asked me if you have to cut open the cow to get the baby out. No, I say, it just comes out of the vagina. Oh...okay- she says. (she knows where her vagina is and didn´t even say anything about it hurting or anything.)

I should go get my kids and go to bed. Although, I already slept half the day. Oh well.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

blah

I am having a really blah time lately. Usually I have some good stories or something to tell. Right now I have nothing! I haven`t done anything fun. I am bored out of my mind. What do I normally do? I do like to read, and I read all the Twilight series in the first week I was here. I told myself that I would read my nursing book, but I have gotten through a whole page. I guess I have done one thing - I am in the hard level for Guitar Hero on the nintendo ds. That is pretty exciting (HA!)

I ate part of a chicken head the other day. I went to buy a roticerie chicken, and here they sell the heads too. Well, while we were waiting for our order, the shop owner thought she would be nice and offer me one. I took it and acted like I wasn´t going to freak out about eating a CHICKEN HEAD! Blah!

It looks like the nail thing isn´t going to work out. People are way too poor right now to pay to have their nails painted. The bread thing is going okay. I also brought a juicer with me to give to Leticia, and she is selling fruit juice to make money.

I miss my friends, I miss my family. I miss having parks and fun places to take the kids. I mean, they do have fun playing outside (what a concept) with the dirt and trees and stuff. I guess I just don´t have much to talk about and so I am not a good conversationist and that is all people do around here. I don´t know how they find so much to talk about. I just tune out most of the time because I don´t know who or what they are talking about.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

No news is good news?

My sister Genevieve is supposed to have a baby today. I haven´t heard anything, so I supposed that is good. I hate being out of the loop.

I found out today that I recieved a scholarship for my tuition next year in school. Now I need to wait to see how much of a pell grant they think I need. My FAfsa says I can recieve up to 5300 in pell grants. That would be nice. It is about what I got last year. It was really nice being able to buy clothes and get gas without worrying about how I was going to come up with the money.

Life here is pretty boring. I have been in a funk that past couple of days. It is stupid really, because it is about Moises (nothing new, right?) He lied to me the other day about where he was at and it has really disturbed me. I don´t like being lied to. It reminds me of the early years when Stacie was married to Ariel. In my head, I think, okay he might have been with a woman. If that is the case, fuck him, right? His final story (it has changed 4 times so far) is that he went to a quinciƱera party for one of his friends´daughter. If that was all, why did he have to lie? Of course I ask him that and he says something about how I always give him a hard time when he hangs out with his friends (totally not true)

Does anyone have a breadmachine that works but no longer want sitting around in their house? Let me know.....

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I´m broke!

Well, not totally, but I spent 35 dollars today to see a doctor and get medicine. I woke up sweating and needing to vomit and with diarrhea. (tmi, I know) I don´t know if it is food poisoning or just a bit of everything - sun, food, germs, etc. But I felt like I was going to die. Fortunately, I am feeling better now.

I made an anouncement about teaching english but no one showed up. I was looking forward to the extra cash, but I guess I will just have to make due - maybe even ask Moises to cough up some more.

Well, I am tired, and don´t have much to say. Remember I am only a phone call away, and it is cheap to call mexico - 011-52-249-103-1012

Saturday, July 18, 2009

the training wheels are off

Edith learned how to ride a 2 wheeler this week. It is funny because Balthezar learned to ride his bike here too. I guess now they will both have memories of bike riding in mexico. I remember the day I learned how to ride my bike. I can still see and feel it clearly in my head. Poor Edith though, she doesn´t have very good control and there is so much dirt and rocks she is always falling down. She has a lot of bruises. I am surprised that she hasn´t given up (she just blames it on mexico).

She does talks a lot about how she hates Mexico. Every time that something happens that she doesn´t like, she starts saying, 'I hate Mexico, I want to go back to America' It is frustrating. I don´t want her to hate it here. It is so different. I know that I am weird in the fact that I like it.

I sold some clothes to a woman the other day. While she was looking at the clothes she was talking about weight. I don´t remember how it came up, but I probably said something about how I need to loose some. Well, a couple days later she shows up to pay me (I let her take them and bring me the money later) and she has another woman with her. I guess she works for the woman taking care of her baby. She tells me that she sells herbalife and that it is good for losing weight. I tell her that I have heard of it, and she invites me to a meeting to learn all about it. I told her no, but she was persistent, so I thought, okay fine.

She shows up (late) the next day and takes me to the meeting in Tecamachalco. It is interesting going to a meeting like that after being in Mary Kay, just because MK meetings are so much more fun! I got to try some samples (not very good) and learn about the products. Afterwards, she invited us out to eat. We got a couple of pizzas for the kids, and she took me to her brothers restaurant. It is a nice place - the nicest I have seen around here. I guess he worked as a chef at Olive Garden for years and saved up to buy this place. I got a cobb salad and it was really really good - the dressing was the best.

Anyhow, I got home and told my mother in law and Leticia about it. They of course had something to say. They always do when someone comes to see me, or invites me to something. They told me that she is a snob and she doesn´t talk to anybody here in town because she thinks she is better than them. They said, what does she want from you? Well, obviously she wants me to buy her products I said. She seemed nice enough to me. She offered to take me and the kids to the city of Puebla to go on a city tour. I think it would be fun, but of course in the back of my mind I am also thinking, why is she being nice to me?

Moises called yesterday and I told him about it. He didn´t know who I was talking about so he talked to his mom and she told him. Then he gets back on the phone and says that he definately doesn´t want me buying anything from her and that he wants nothing to do with 'those type of people'. Of course, I am like, WHY? He says that their family has a little lighter skin than most of the others here in town, so they say they have european blood and would never date anyone who is 'indiginous' There was a woman a few years back who tried to befriend me, and apparently she was the same way. At least that is what my family here told me. So I wonder if they want to befriend me because I am white and they like that, or if they are just more outgoing and do more than just stare at me.

I told Leticia that she is jealous. Well, it is hard to translate, but jealous as in, they don´t want to share me with other people. I do consider my sisters in law my friends, but it would be nice to have more than that.

I am going to start english classes this next week. I don´t like living on 100 dollars a week. I can barely make it by at home because I get food stamps. Here I guess I get by, it just feels much tighter because I use that money to buy all my food. The bigger reason that I decided to teach english classes is because it is an easy way to make extra money. It has come to my attention that Medardo, Delia and Lupe all have really horrible teeth. They have some serious decay going on. The other day Medardo was in pain the whole day, and I told him to go to the dentist and find out what needs to be done. I asked his mom later if it would be okay if I pay for it. (they are very proud people so being given money or having someone else take care of something for their kids is a big deal) She was surprisingly gracious about it. She said of course, why would she say no. I think that in the past she would definately say no, but her husband hasn´t had a steady job for many months, and they are suffering.

The economy sucks down here too. The only guy out of all my in laws that has a job right now is Javier, Leticias husband. He is working in Monterrey right now. I guess he will be back for the wedding. Delia´s husband, Feliciano works a day here and there where he can find it. Same with Antonio, Martha husband, and Giovanni, Maricella´s husband.

Some of the work that they have gotten is actually with Aaron and Antonio fixing up their houses. Antonio has expanded his house to have a large overhand for a garage, and on top he is going to build a large second floor. Aaron has also built a garage for the house, and is doing lots of clean up around the yard (it is kind of like mom´s back yard that has tons of random stuff everywhere) None of the men around here ever has a really steady job. They get hired some place to do a job, sometimes for a week, sometimes for several months. Once the work is done, they need to find a new job. Right now, there isn´t much to be found. So even though I am living on 100 dollars a week, I am still the rich one. Isn´t that crazy!!

So the big gossip news for the day is that Antonio got his girfriend pregnant. Nobody in the family knows except me and Maricela. She knows because Mago (his girlfriend) lives across the street from us and they grew up together and are still really good friends. Maricella and her husband have been living in Antonios house ever since they got together. Well, aparently, Antonia and Mago have been having secret meetings up at the house. I think it is too bad, because they have to meet in secret and do it on an old dirty matress. I think it is kind of gross.

Well, the other day we came home really late from a party that we went to and all the lights were off in the house, but I see someone in the living room watching tv. It is a girl, but I cant quite make out who it is. I walk into the door and Antonio is getting dressed as fast as he can. I walk into the living room and it is Mago. She is sitting there looking all nervous. I laughed and said we must have come at the wrong moment. His parents didn´t notice, because they went into their room, not the main house. Later on that evening, Antonio was getting dressed because he took a shower and I asked him if he was going to marry her or not. I told him that girls don´t like having to hide having sex, and that if he got married they could do it all the time. He told me that he was going to marry her. He has always said that he doesn´t want to get married, but apparently she won´t just get together with him, she wants marriage. I told him to hurry it up! (of course it was the next day that I found out that she is pregnant, she I am sure that will hurry things along.)

Okay, so I think that is enough gossip for the day.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Trip to the Dentist

I went to the dentist today. The other day I was flossing and a my filling fell out of my mouth. So I asked where to go to the dentist. Moises has a cousin who is a dentist, but apparently she is really expensive. They told me that there is a girl who recently graduated that is charging a lot less. So Leticia took me to go see her today. She takes me to a store that sells fruits and vegetables and other basic household items. They also sell roasted chicken. She gets the attention of a girl who is loading chicken heads onto a big rotisserie pole and says I want to get seen. The girl gets someone else to finish with the chicken heads and leads me up 2 flights of stairs that are part of the house. On the top floor there is a room with a dentist chair and whatnot. Well, the 'girl' is the dentist! I have an appointment to get the filling replace on monday. She charges $15 for fillings. Nice. I saw that she has an autoclave, so that makes me feel good.

I have felt a bit homesick the past couple of days. So has Balthezar. He broke down crying the other day saying that he wants to go home. He wants to see his friends and family and have everything 'normal' he says. I have felt it a little bit, but have been busy around the house and had my sister in laws over every day, so I have had company.

As always, I feel like I don´t do enough around the house. I know it is wrong, but I just dont think I should have to clean up after all my inlaws. I should do more, but so far, I just don´t want to. I am being lazy maybe and stubborn!

I finished the Twilight series. I do think that it was pretty good. It do get a little annoying with how low of a self esteem Bella has. I don´t like the idea that millions of young girls are reading this series and thinking that true love means that your boyfriend stalks you, won´t let you visit your friends, and in the end, kills you. Yeah, not so much......

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

hello?

I am feeling really out of it. I feel like my spanish has gotten really crappy because I am having a hard time keeping up with some conversations. It really bothers me. Then there are the kids who speak to me in english, even though I am trying hard to speak to them in spanish. I am getting a headache from going back and forth between the two. I know that it a couple of weeks it will start to feel okay again. I just have to remind myself in the meantime that my brain will hurt.

I haven´t really done much since I got here. I haven´t gone and visited people. I know I should, I just don´t feel like it. I don´t mean to say that I have to, just that I will feel better if I get out of the house more.

I brought a bread machine with me here. I have been making banana bread, and have even sold a loaf. I think that if they keep on it, they can sell it once I am gone. The problem that I can see, is that they have a hard time keeping up with something. I don´t know if it is because they aren´t interested or if they are lazy, or if they don´t think that it will work out. I brought the nail set with me, and of course I am ready to get to work, but my sister in law´s seem pretty apathetic about it. They seem interested, but not intested enough to find clients, make anouncements and get to work. Maybe I am being to hard on them though. I have only been here a week.

Today I am going matress shopping with my mother in law. Balthezar wants to sleep on his own, so we need a new bed for him. I am happy, because I am not used to sleeping with the kids so it will be really nice to have my space back. The bed that we got is very nice. It even has a really nice base with drawer for clothes. This is the first time that I have been here that I feel like I have a room that is really put together and has everything I need. Even the time that I was here for 6 months I was living out of my suitcase.

Monday, June 29, 2009

worst mom in the world

Edith for some reason thinks that she can say that to me. Well, she CAN, but I want to beat her for it. I told her that it hurt my feelings and that she needed to stop. I haven´t heard it again since, but it keeps running through my head. The annoying thing is that she said it for not apparent reason. I was getting something for her and she just said it. Whatever.

I am here in Mexico. The trip went by really fast. It helped that I was reading a good book. Stacie lent me the Twilight series. BTW - no one here has even heard of it! It is weird since it is front page magazine topic all the time.

We did have a few hiccups. Like when someone took my carry-on instead of theirs when getting off the first plane. Fortunately, the airline was able to locate the people who mistakenly took it, and get it on the plane before it took off. Once in mexico, the carry one was there, but a different bag hadn´t arrived. Ugh! Fortunately, it didn´t have all my clothes in it like last time. It does, however, have some slightly expensive power tools that I am taking for Moises, and all my books for teaching english. Lastly, Moises told his parents that I would be at the bus terminal at 8, but due to my flight in Houston being delayed, along with filled out info for the lost bag, we didn´t even leave mexico city until 7. We got to Tecamachalco at 11 pm, and I found out that they had been waiting at the bus terminal for 3 1/2 hours! Oops.

The house is kind of an organized mess right now. Aaron is busy fixing things up. He will be getting married on August 22, and needs the house to look good for the wedding and also for his new bride. I am happy to say that we now have a flushing toilet, a hot shower, and running water in the bathroom! It is also the nicest bathroom ever, I might add. I will take a picture. It is interesting to see that changes over the past 10 years from a hole in the ground out with the animals to this!

Moises paid a friend to make a bed frame for us, but he hasn´t shown up with it. Moises paid him half down to get the materials, but I don´t think we will get it. I think the guy blew the money or something.

My sister-in-law´s really like the nail set. They think that we could charge somewhere between 5 and 10 dollars to do it. I am not sure how we are going to market it, but I am sure that we will figure it out.

Well, I am out of stuff to say for now. I am tired and just want to sleep - which is nothing new, right? I have woken up every day with a huge headache. I realized today that it is because I haven´t been drinking diet coke and my body is going through withdrawals. Yuck. I have had a little here and there, but not like when I am at home. I am such an addict!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

packing and stress

I have spent the last two days slowly packing.  I would say that I am now 3/4 of the way done.  It has been difficult this year, because I am only taking one checked bag for each of us.  In the past I have been able to take 2 each, but because of charges, I cannot do that anymore.  So, normally I don't think that it would be a big deal, because I am just taking a bunch of clothes.  This year however, I am taking a bunch of random, large items.  They include:  a juicer, a bread machine, two Bosch power tools, a large knife, finger nail painting supplies, several large jars of peanut butter - and the kitchen sink!  Okay, not the kitchen sink.

Josh is staying at Moises house right now, and has been watching me pack.  He just thinks we are crazy.  He thinks the items that I am packing are totally random and ridiculous.  He would be correct, but it all serves a purpose.  I can only imagine what the customs people will be thinking if I have to open up luggage.

That reminds me of a couple of my teachers who are traveling to Ecuador to set up a nursing opportunity for students.  They asked us to donate bras for the women, because they are expensive and hard to get where there are going in the Amazon.  They also asked for packages of condoms to teach birth control.  I can only image the strange looks that they are going to get if they have to have their bags opened!  I mean, can you imagine, bras and condoms - a whole suitcase full!  Crazy, sluttly, old american women!!! (that is what they will be thinking)

The kids have been driving me absolutely crazy today, and they aren't even misbehaving.  I am just having a really hard time for some reason.  I wonder if I am going to start my period.  I guess it is better to be grumpy than to feel like I want to die - which is how I normally feel at that time of the month.

It is also probably because I am stressed out about leaving the country for two months.  I mean, I don't 'feel' stressed, but I am just feeling out of sorts.  It is also really weird to be finished with school for the time being.  I have gotten so used to hanging out with friends so much, I might be going through friend withdrawal!  Marcella is in San Diego with her family for vacation, and Luth is working full time for the summer.  I tried calling Ana, before school even got out, and I haven't heard back from her.  It is weird having been such good friends and then our friendships growing apart.  I am worried that the same will happen with Marcella and Luth, because Ana and I were together constantly until I went to Mexico last summer.  I guess a lot has changed for both of us.  She stopped going to school and is working full time.  I am still in school and have a crazy schedule.  

I have been going to physical therapy for a couple of months now for the pain in my leg that I have had since the accident.  It got really better for a while, but yesterday and today it is really bothering me, despite doing all of my exercises.  I even went out for a walk with Josh, Molly, Balthezar and Edith.  I hope that it will subside.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Kindergarten video

Kathleen's camera doesn't have sound. It is very cute anyway.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

End of the Year


On the left is my Spring quarter clinical group. Top left is Sophia, me, Luth, Marcella, Bottom row is Myhanh, Tatyana, Yen and Tamra. (Christina left early, so she isn't in the photo)



Moises, Edith and I at Edith's Kindergarten graduation.
Mrs. Kuney on the left was the teachers aid in Ediths class for the year. Below is Ms. Barbee her teacher.




Edith is singing during her graduation.

Balthezar was in a dance routine for the end of the year. He was in the far right corner, so you can only see him for half of it! It is a video - so click on the play symbol to watch.

Monday, June 8, 2009

One more week

Kathleen mentioned that she can't wait for me to go to Mexico because I actually post on here all the time. So I figure I will appease her and write about my boring life.

I have one more week left of my first year of nursing school. I can't believe how fast it went by! I thought second quarter was going to kill me, but now that it is over, I feel pretty confident. I have to pass a proctored test on thursday in order to pass, and I am a concerned about it. It basically covers everything we have learned this year. It is so much freaking information - too much. I took a practice exam and scored a 67%!!! I have to get a 68% in order to pass. My psyche is hurting right now because I am normally not an average student, and I am getting average grades. I haven't been trying very hard, so it isn't a suprise. It just feels very different.

I leave for Mexico on the 27th. As always, I am excited and nervous at the same time. Excited because it is always nice to see people that I haven't seen in a year. I love an adventure, so I get my needs fulfilled. I just hate the packing. Riding on the airplane isn't very comfortable. Thank god I have the kids to ride with, otherwise I would probably have to buy an additional seat due to my size.

It is so weird to go from being here at home in the morning, and in my Mexican home by night the same day. I think that it is such a big jolt of change. It isn't really describable. I know that in the past year my in-laws have hooked up some sort of system for taking a shower. No more building fires outside and heating up water to pour over my head with a bowl!!! I can't even imagine!

My brother in law Aaron is getting marriend on the 22nd of August. This starts to beginning of something very new for me and my in-laws. I have always been the only 'nuera' (daughter in law) and so I have been able to come and visit and live with them. I am not sure how things will end up now that Aaron is getting married. My understanding is that Moises parents will give Aaron their house once they die. So, it will be their house. That is why he has spent the money to do a bunch of upgrades - it will be his home. So, even though it won't 'officially' be his - it will be. So how do I continue to come and visit without stepping on toes and invading their space? I don't know. I guess it really is time to start building on our land. It is really close by (like maybe a 10 minute walk) and right now they use it to plant alfalfa or corn.

They say that because I am thinking about these things that I am jealous. I think that is part of their culture. I have heard the son in laws talk about who is the favorite out of the 4 of them. They think that it is Antonio, Martha's husband. It is something to kind of joke about, but when it boils down, it really means something to them. I think that there is part of me that worries. Just because I am SO NOT MEXICAN. They are going to have a nice mexican woman living there who does everything the mexican way. I don't think that they will decide they don't like me. I think that I kind of get a pass because they do realize that I come from a different world. I also always come with tons of gifts for everyone. It is hard not to like someone who is as nice as me ;)

In the meantime, I really need to get my crap together! My room is a total stye. My computer area looks like crap. I am going to have a garage sell next friday and saturday with Marcella and Luth, so hopefully I can make some traveling money.

Friday, May 22, 2009

more nail pics












I am still working out the kinks, but I am starting to get the hang of the simple ones.



I love my new nail set



I am going to have a fun time in Mexico doing nails.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The 'Green' Group

Balthezar had a bit of a meltdown today. We got into an argument about some of his homework. He is worried that he won't get a good enough grade on his animal report and so he won't be able to go to the zoo. I said that of course he will a good enough grade on his report. He said that he wouldn't that he is stupid. I asked him why he said that. Balthezar is in the 'green' group. Apparently, the 'green' group is the 'stupid' group for the kids who are 'stupid' Only 3 other kids are in his group and the rest of the class is in the blue and the red groups.

My heart wants to break. I was always in the top group. I never really paid attention to what group other kids were in - except that I wanted to be the best in the group that I was in.

It is days like this that I wish my kids were homeschooled! He is so amazing at other things, but they aren't things that you take tests on.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Nails

I am excited about a new venture. Last fall I bought a nail art set at the Puyallup Fair. It is just a really basic set that you put nail polish on a metal plate with designs on it, and then are able to transfer the design onto your nail. I bought it because I knew Edith thought it was awesome, and I thought it would be a fun mommy and me time thing.

Well, last week we were doing nails together and it occured to me how well this would go over in Mexico -and even here. I am going to be raising money for my graduation ceremony and will probably use it as a fundraiser at school. I am always looking for ways to help out my in-laws in Mexico. Not necessarily Moises's parents, but his sisters. They all have husbands who work on and off, depending on where they can find work, but the guys are usually stingy with their money. Besides my perception that they are being stingy, truthfully they only make about 100 dollars a week, and so it is barely enough to get by - and that is only if you eat beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

The sets are expensive though. The simple one that I bought was the only purchase I made at the fair, and it was $45. The have larger professional sets. I thought to myself, I can ask for a discout - the worst they can say is no. I emailed the company - it is run by a lady in Orting. I told her what I was going to do with the set. I was so thrilled when she wrote back and said that she would give me a very large discount. She even told me that she has a huge family, and would like to give me some clothing donations as well!

Well, I am pretty excited about the whole thing. I have been watching nail art tutorials on youtube and have been trying new designs on my nails. It has been fun. If you want a really cool nail art kit - go to nanasnailart.com - I will be sending all the business I can her way.

If anybody has any nail polish around that they never use, let me know. I am trying to round up base colors. The set comes with polish, but it is a thick polish that is used for the stamp part only.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Soloist

Luth got tickets to see the premier for The Soloist with Jamie Foxx and Robert Downing Jr.. It was pretty good. It reminded me of how much I loved going to the symphony with Uncle John when I was a kid. The move was filled with music. I don't really know how to describe the movie, except that it was interesting. I would definately say to go see it in the theater if you can.

You all know me, so of course I cried. I really felt a sense of kinship (not sure if that is the right word) with the main character Nathaniel. There is a part in the movie when he says he doesn't know why the other guy would want to be friends with a person like him.

I know that is how I feel a lot of the time. It has only been changing in the last few years in college that I feel like people know who I am and still want to be friends with me. There is a part of myself that is always afraid that people are going to see the 'real' me and change their mind. Well, I am the real me all of the time. so they obviously like part of me - probably even most of me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Financial aid and scholarships


Okay, to start off, HOW FREAKING CUTE ARE MY KIDS!!!!
I didn't get pictures taken at the begining of the year, because I figured that since we already had soccer fotos that I wouldn't get more. Well, I ordered class photos and you could get 'personalitly' photos with it, so I thought, what the heck. I love that they both have Moises's eyebrows -exactly the same.
In other news.........

So the past week has been full of paperwork related to money! The priority deadline for financial aid applications was on the 15th. I also decided to apply for a bunch of scholarships that the 'BCC Foundation' offer (rich ex-students who donate money I think) I am not quite sure how the scholarship thing will work out, because it isn't just money given to me, it is specifically given for tuition and books. I already have financial aid that covers that - but it might end sometime next year because of the number of credits I have taken (with this quarter I have more credits at BCC then my AA degree at GRCC!!). So I talked to my grant counselor and she said that I could apply for it and see what happens. I have a hard time talking to her because half the time what she tells me ends up not working out. (like this quarter signing up for an extra class to get my full financial aid amount, only to find out that because the extra class isn't part of the nursing program, they have me as part time, gave me only 75% of the award and charged me for the extra class out of the award amount!!!)

I just want to scream sometimes when it comes to all the paperwork that is involved in getting help! My friend Luth says they make it as hard as possible so you can only get help if you REALLY REALLY want and need it. ARGh!

Well, anyway. We will see what happens with the scholarships. I had to write a few essays, get some letters of recommendation, transcripts, proof of an account with BECU (for the BECU scholarship) and I had to have one of the nursing instructors fill out an extra form for one of the scholarships saying that I am in the program, maintain a gpa over 3.0 and on a scale of 1-10, what does she rate my chances of successfully completing the nursing program (she gave me an 8 - she said, 'you never know if you will fall and brake a bone or something') My instructor who filled out the extra form also told me that I was the only first year student who asked for the scholarship, so I will probably get it! I guess it is true about money being out there and people just needing to apply!

I will know about how my financial aid award with scholarships will turn out by mid June. I expect a good outcome!




Saturday, April 18, 2009

Anatomy at Grandma's house

One thing that people who aren't related to me might not know, is that in another life I was probably a hippy who lived on a nudest ranch or something. I don't mind being naked. It isn't a big deal for me, even at this size *gasp* My kids aren't very conservative either, given that they spend their time with me.

Well, most of you have heard the story about Ediths, 'clitornuts' Just the other day, she was taking a shower and she mentioned cleaning her clitornuts. Well, I made the mistake of correcting her and calling it a clitoris, and she got pretty upset at me. How dare I!!

In other news, this morning while we were getting ready to leave for school, Balthezar announces, "Warning! Naked Granpa alert!" Balthezar was sitting in a chair facing the hallway and apparently Dick came out of his bedroom and went to his office in his birthday suit. It was really cute the way that Balthezar said that. He just kind of laughed again when Dick came back from the office to his room, with a silly smirk say warning! again.

I know that I tend to be very northern european in my views about the body. It is just a body. Seeing a naked one isn't that exciting. Of course, I am not quite as free if I am at the gym around 20 year old hardbodies. Then I feel much more self conscious.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Depression

I am having a really hard time right now. I haven't felt this bad since before I started school back when I first came back from Mexico and was living with my mom. I have a test that I haven't really studied for on Monday. I feel like crying all the time. I am having really ugly thougts. I tried to get an appointment with my therapist, but she doesn't have an opening for 2 weeks. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on thursday - that is just by chance. I made that appointment 3 months ago. I just don't feel like doing this anymore. I am taking my meds, so don't even ask. I am even going outside and going on walks - damn dogs!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

the 'Hotel'

Yesterday I took the kids to go see Monsters vs. Aliens. They are on spring break and I wanted to do something special besides going to daycare all day long. I found out that it is playing in 3D and on top of that, it was playing in 3D with IMAX at the new Southcenter theater inside the mall.

We lOVED it. The imax was awesome and the 3D was awesome. I would totally recommend it to everyone. Especially since my kids tend to get bored during movies at the theater. They get antsy, and if it isn't really exciting, get bored.

It was the 2nd time I have been to the mall since it was redone, and the only time I have gone up the escalator to the second or third floor. The kids loved playing on the excalators. I remember loving it as a child, so I feel bad telling them not to! As we were leaving Edith says, "I really like that hotel"

Saturday, March 28, 2009

sushi and saki

I tried real sushi for the first time ever today. Wow! Yummy! First I had this weird salad made from seaweed and sesame seeds. It looked really weird, like slimy grass. But it was one of the best salads I have ever had. Then the waitress came with our sushi. I had a 6 piece combination with a california roll. So, I have only had california rolls before - but these california rolls were so good! The sushi was just pieces of different kinds of fish on top of a little block of rice. There was salmon and tuna, and several other types of fish. I put that green paste - I forget what it is called. It burns and clears your sinuses. All I can say is wow. I think the tuna was my favorite.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Al is a sad fat cat

I am upset at a recent event in our household. Edith has become quite the reader, so I have gotten out the Frontline Phonics books that never went over well with Balthezar.

There is one titled 'Ham and Jam'

It is the story of Al the cat.

Al is a cat (Happy cat curled up looking around)
Al has ham (cat with a big hamhock)
Al has jam (cat licking lips with a jar of jam and jam all over himself, tummy getting distended)
Al has ham and jam (jam halfway empty, ham halfway eaten, has jam everywhere, and the stomach is bigger)
Al is a fat cat (cat rubbing his distended belly with a sad look on face)
Al is a sad fat cat (same as before)
Al ran. Al ran and ran. (cat on a treadmill with tennis shoes and sweatbands)
Al is a cat (Al is happy again and showing off his new figure)

The 'questions to ask after reading the book'
What made Al so fat?
What did Al eat first?
What did Al do to become thin again?
Why is Al smiling?

I took the book, made a happy face on all the sad faces and crossed out the 'sad' and put in 'happy', but Edith didn't like it like that and wrote in 'sad' again. Now I have it and it will not be in her reading anymore.

Even childrens books are putting pressure on kids that being thin is good, and if you are fat you should be sad.

Now I am remembering Maira's reaction when she got on the WII fit. I don't think that she had her height put in correctly, but at any rate, she got on it and it said she was overweight. Now it doesn't just say you are overweight, it shows your little character getting all fat and sad. Poor Maira was really sad about that. I feel guilty for letting them use it and her having that experience. I told her that the game is messed up and not to worry about it. Now it is just pissing me off.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

decide already

Okay, so I am being a little crazy about this whole class thing. I don't know why I can't make up my mind, although for the time being, I have registered for it. I sent an e-mail to my counselor to see what she has to say. Maybe I will send an email to my nursing counselor as well. As I am sitting here, I am realizing that it would mean that I would be in school until 6 pm on Ediths birthday. Should that make me change it? I mean, we can do dinner and cake after 6. I decided to fold up some papers with the names of the classes on them and just sign up for the one that I picked at random, and it was the spanish class.

Mom says that I can't make up my mind because I am afraid that I will make the 'wrong' decision and regret it. She points out that any choice that I make will work out. this is true. I am still freaking out about it though. I have too much time on my hands maybe?

I am making a quilt for Moises. It is keeping me busy. I also got a couple of patterns for some cute summer little girls clothes. I figure I can try my hand at sewing while I have the next week off. I also make a reservation for Edith's birthday party at Chuck E cheese's. I couldn't decide on that forever either. I was going back and forth between her actually birthday, which is a thursday, and the Sunday after it. I mean, Sunday is probably better, but the time available was at 12, so I am thinking, is that okay for people. What if people can't come. Well, who cares? The poeple who can come will come. I don't know why I am so worried about making the wrong choice. It is driving me mad!

Monday, March 23, 2009

spanish or business

I can't make up my mind. I need to take at least 1 more credit if I want my full financial aid package. My nursing courses are only 11 credits. There aren't very many classes to choose from. There is a spanish for health care providers, but it is 5 whole credits. I don't want to get too bogged down with homework. Then there are some 1 credit online classes that would probably be really simple, but something about taking a simple boring online class just seems like a waste. I am going to school to learn. I don't want to take a class simply to take it. Obviously that spanish class is the better option for me. It will definately help me in the long run, and just sitting here writing makes it seem like the best choice, but at the same time, my mind is saying that I don't want to have to work too hard.

I don't know!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

told ya so

yup. Already too much time on my hands. Or maybe not the time, per se, but the lack of stuff for my mind to be focusing on. When I don't have a lot going on in my mind, I tend to fill it with thoughts of food. What should I eat. What shouldn't I eat. When am I going to eat. How long has it been since I ate. What sounds good. What can I eat next. Why don't I feel satisfied.

It goes on and on. I am trying to find things to do instead. I am writing on here. I spent an hour playing pretend with Edith. I am reading a book. I read the key points for all the chapters that we will be covering in class once break is over. I talked to Gen. I talked to Luth. I called a friend and wished her happy birthday. I talked to Josh. I talked to Moies. I read books to my kids. I visited some of my favorite blog sights.

I still have too much empty space in my head.

Time to get out?

I am feeling upset today. It is my own fault. I had my visiting teachers come over. For those who don't know, it is a couple of women from the mormon church who come over and visit for a bit and share a short gospel lesson. I have been open to it in the past. I like my visiting teacher.

I think it is probably time to let them know that I am out. Like - not interested. How does one do that nicely. I am assuming that maybe the next time she calls I will say that she doesn't need to visit me anymore. It will save her time and mine.

I only say this because my visiting teachers came over, one of them happens to be the relief society president. She got out the church magazine, called the Ensign and wanted to talk about families. She started by saying something about how people are trying to destroy the family, and brought up proposition 8. I told her that she had better not start that discussion with me because it wasn't a good idea. They both then looked really uncomfortable and talked about doing our best for our families and how we need to do our civic duty to keep families save.

Anyhow, now I am just feeling unsettled. The last time she came over, she asked what she could do to get me back at church. I said that there probably wasn't anything. I didn't go into detail. I don't know why I can't say - hey, I don't believe in this so stop trying. I probably should. I feel like I am lying to them by letting them come and visit me.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

impatience

I think that I am so impatient that it is driving me crazy - mostly because my poor little kids are totally picking up on my bad behavior. Balthezar won't do things if he cant do it perfect the first time. it is frustrating.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My new blender

I don't know if I have mentioned my new blender here. I am really excited about it. Doesn't that sound weird - to be excited about a blender. Well, it is one of those really cool ones like the Vitamix. It is called Blendtec though. Every morning I have a smoothy with tofu, banana, apple, orange, a cup or so of spinach and maybe some frozen peaches or strawberries and ice. Mix it up and I have a great breakfast that tides me over until lunch time. Tonight I had one because I wanted to snack on something, had an early dinner. I used red chard instead of spinach. Yummy! I want to start making soups more often with it. I made some banana bread today with it. First I made my own oat flour, and then mix everything together in the blender. It came out really salty though, so I will do it differently next time. I will probably try 1/2 oat flour and 1/2 regular flour, regular sugar instead of the splenda, and maybe put in some nuts ground up really well first, so my kids will eat it. Or not - and not add the calories.

Two weeks with myself

auh! Spring break. I have two weeks with no deadlines. It feels really weird. I have had a test every week for several weeks now, and the pressure was really intense. One of my biggest worries is that my friend Luth would fail out of the program. She got a really bad score one one test, and since the average that we have to maintain is 78%, she had to do really well on the last 2 tests. Well, after the final today, I thought that she was out. I encouraged her to plead case to the staff - the fact that all her other test scores were good, she did really bad on one but it was related to personal issues - so it isn't like she can't pass the NCLEX (nursing exam to get our liscence - they say that the reason they fail people at 78% is that your chances are slim of passing the NCLEX) and I told her to remind them to add in the quiz scores which she did really well on.

Well, I came home and was pretty depressed. My friend Ashley is out of the program too. I took a nap, picked up the kids, and was puttering around feeling pretty down, when Luth called. Apparently she had done better than she thought, and Nancy is letting her stay in the program!! I was so excited I was screaming and crying! I know it seems like a huge reaction, but I have spend a lot of time with her in the past few weeks and months (actually, the last 2 weeks I have probably spent more time with her than my children) and I was just so sad about 'losing' her. I hate getting close to people and then having to lose them.

I knew that we would still be friends if she wasn't in the program, but I'm not sure. Only because of how awkward I felt after taking the test and knowing that I was okay and she wasn't. We have bonded besides on school stuff, but I don't know how she would have taken it.

So now I have two weeks to myself without school woes. My new teacher for the next quarter won't even post a syllabus for us because she says she wants us to take the 2 weeks and regroup. I have found vacations in the past to be stressful. I spend a lot of time with my kids, and we can end up getting on each others nerves. I also end up eating a lot, because I want to fill my time, and it is the easy thing for me to go to. My eating has been so well lately, that I hope I can fill my time with positive stuff. I plan on studying too. We have a calender for the next quarter, so I know what the tests are on, so I will go off that. It is nice though, that if I end up not studying, I won't feel guilty about it.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Fat Acceptance

So I have recently gotten more involved with my eating disorder recovery and have been focused on fat acceptance. My therapist has made comments about it over the past couple of year, but I have just waved it off thinking to myself - How on earth can I accept myself at this weight?

I am finally getting it! It feels really good. I have found some really good resources online and some great books. One that I am really enjoying is called Fat?So! How ingenious for a title! It is really funny. One thing that is common in the fat acceptance community is that there is a misrepresentation on the dangers of obesity. Now, that for me has been hard to swallow in some terms, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.

For example: Supposedly we are all getting fatter, right? (I don't know, I feel like people look the same as always, but maybe people 20 or 30 years ago were thinner) Who is making more money as we all get fatter? Doctors, insurance companies, medication manufaturers (who pay for the research to be done) and of course the diet industry. We are talking about BIG BUSINESS here. None of these people really want anybody to loose weight. None of these people want to 'help' people with the obesity epidemic. They want to make money. (well, except doctors who do want to help and are just listening to what they are told by 'research'

So what would happen if everyone just stopped obsessing about their weight and relaxed a little. What if we could get rid of the hatred of what a 'fat' body looks like. I haven't ever been able to change by people (myself included) being mean and hating me. So, it creates a viscous circle. Loose weight, loose will power, give up, get distracted, gain more weight, hate yourself more. Would we all just chill out, love ourselves more, focus on other things, and with that - not focus on food so much, and maybe loose a couple of pounds?

I just know that I have been feeling better about myself in the past couple of weeks. I have stopped eating more of the times that I felt full (which isn't something I do often) I have asked myself if I really want to eat more, or just want the taste/bored/angry, etc and then decided if I want to eat it. If I am full, I am reminding myself that it will be there later when I am hungry. I don't have to eat it now, it isn't going to disappear!

Now, mind you. I don't think that being super morbidly obese is healthy (super morbid obese is the technical term for my bmi - kind of feels like I should make a halloween costume and be Super Obese Woman - crimefighter!) I can feel a difference in how I feel when I am this weight and when I have been other weights. But seriously, all the times in my life, when I have looked good and felt great, I was still considered 'obese'

I am just feeling good about feeling good! (and spring break is in only one week!)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

correction

I would like everyone to know, that I overestimated the amount of time that Stacie was on the phone that night. It just felt like a lot to me. As I mentioned in the post, I wasn't angry or anything. Just frustrated at the events. I am sure that most people wouldn't want a bunch of uncomfortable, sad things happening on or around the time of their birthday.

My step mother was a fun loving gregarious women. She was actually a lot like me in some aspects. I do admit though, that I have held onto the time that we fought and called me an ugly gross fat person.

I feel that I am becoming more numb to death though, maybe because of the field that I am in. Although, I feel pretty numb in general lately to everything. I have had a pretty hard couple of weeks in school and home, and haven't really expressed much of it. The part that I expressed hurt feelings.

I feel sad when trees and flowers die too. I just am not 'good' with death. Whatever that means

Monday, February 16, 2009

birthday mess

This year I had a birthday mess. It started on friday (the 13th, 2 days before my birthday) when my sister Stacie decided to come into town to get some stuff for her new house, but also to take me out to dinner. I was really excited! I felt pretty important. Well, life kind of happened, and at that same time my step mother Phyllis went into critical condition at the hospital. So Stacie and I met for dinner, but most of the dinner was spent with me thanking the waiter for the good service, watching and listening to Stacie talk on the phone, and feeling pretty cheesy that I was eating dinner by myself essentially. Stacie asked me to drive home from the restaurant so that she could talk on the phone some more, and I said that her phone talking could wait. I said that she wasn't going to change anything on the phone during the next 10 minutes and so she could spent it talking with me.

I know I kind of sound like a bitch. Maybe I am. I totally was not being mad about the situation, but more frustrated. People dying when it is my birthday is frustrating.

So, go to the next day. Valentines Day. I have always kind of hated Valentines day. First of all, I have never had a valentine, and second, because I always felt that everyone was so wrapped up in Valentines day that they forgot when it was birthday the next day. I decided to get something for the kids and Moises this year. I got both kids a heart box with chocolates. Edith got a cute pair of Valentine pants and shirt, and Balthezar got some Pokemon cards. I got Moises a stuffed dog that says kiss me on it. I hoped that he would show up with something for me, but that didn't happen. (I have only gotten something on Valentines from him 1 or 2 times in 10 years)

So, Moises came over at around 4 in the afternoon. Right when he got here, I was feeling like taking a quick nap. He wanted to go and visit some friends of his. I told him to give me 15 minutes and I would get up and go. He didn't like that idea, so when I got up and said lets go, he says he doesn't want to go anywhere. He says that he told me that if we didn't go right then we weren't going at all, so now we aren't going. OKAY!

Later on he decided that he wants to take me out to Target or something to get me a birthday present. So we go. I don't really know what I want. We are browsing Target and the kids are really acting up, so we just decide to leave. No present after all.

Onto the actual day of my birth, the 15th. Long story short, my step fathers family has never really embraced our family. They kind of do, but it always feels different when the 'real' family is around. Essentially, I was invited to a brunch, that was really for James, my step brother because he is in town. I was told it was to celebrate my birthday - but no one was told it was my birthday. So people there were like, oh, I wish I had known it was your birthday, I would have bought you a card. I did get a card from Dick and his mom. Am I a total bitch thinking that I should have gotten something INSIDE the card from his mom - my grandmother? I mean, if it were James, or Karissa - the real grandkids, the card would probably have a couple hundred bucks in it. Oh well.

Mom was going to make dinner, but she got home from clinical and was too tired. And that evening my step mother died as well. Gen called because of something and found out about Phyllis being in the hospital and realized that it was my birthday. Happy birthday Joan! And Stacie wished me Happy Birthday when she called to tell me that Phyllis was dead. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Okay, so mom says she will make my birthday dinner today, monday. Well, it ended up being a clusterfuck as well. Kathy was yelling at the kids for not setting the table right, Balthezar started crying because Kathy was being mean, Joan was trying to get Balthezar to calm down. Then Dick asks my mom something about work, so she storms off to get it done. Dick takes a couple bites and leaves, then Kathy goes to see if mom will come back to eat dinner. Mom is just kind of freaking out, so Kathy decided to leave too. I finished my dinner at the table alone.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOAN!!

Now, don't think that I haven't thought that I should be grateful that on 4 separate days people tried to do something for me for my birthday. I totally see that, and I am grateful. I am also greatful for facebook, because I got a ton of Happy Birthday's from friends around the world. I also called a friend on my birthday and she offered to take me out bowling. That really meant a lot too. My family in Mexico called me to wish me happy birthday was well. That felt really good.

I just think that my birthday was cursed this year.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Week in review

Thinking about my week, it seems like Monday was a million years ago. I took a test on diabetes and on caring for a patient for surgical procedures. I thought I was well prepared. I go to class, I read the book, I do the study guide, I answer questions from extra books with just test questions. Well, I still got only a 78%, which is the minimum for passing. Most of my friends did worse than I did.

I think that is rediculous. If most people fail a test, it means something. The test wasn't written on what we were taught. She picked weird, obscure things that we hadn't discussed. It is really frustrating, but one thing I have found out about nursing instructors - they don't like to be wrong.

I had a horrible day working at the clinical site yesterday. The day started with Edith screaming about how she didn't have the right jacket. She was still screaming when I left her at daycare. Once I got to the hospital, I found out that the patient that I had picked the day before had also been chosen by one of my classmates. So essentially, the hours of homework I did to prepare myself to take care of that person were out. I had to find a new patient, and get to work on getting the paperwork for her.

While I am working, I have a nursing instructor that helps. The way it works is that we pick 1 patient to take care of and do everything for them. We do bed baths, shots, med administration, walking, etc. They have a nurse on duty who is suppossed to take care of them, but if they have a student, the student does the work. So my nurse got really upset at me for not telling her something about my patient earlier in the day. She was rude to me in front of a lot of people.

I had already had enough, so I left and sobbed for a good 10 minutes before going to my post clinical conference. My instructor didn't seem to notice. Someone mentioned how it was horrible how the nurse treated me, and the instruction just said, 'well, I don't know, I wasn't there' It was lame.

I did work with the same nurse today and it turned out much better. Sorry I am kind of vague, I can't go into too much detail because of privacy rules.

I found out today that my step mother is going to die. I am more emotional than I thought I would be. We don't see each other often, and have had a fight or two. We only talk maybe two times a year. I feel guilty that I didn't call her when I found out she was sick and in the hospital a week ago. Now she is in a coma and won't ever come out. I guess it is a good lesson and calling people when you are thinking about them, instead of putting it off.

I worry about the future and what it holds. My dad will be alone. He hasn't ever been alone. He is pretty close with my sister Stacie, and I am sure that she will be a big support for him. I worry that she won't be able to handle the additional pressure. She has 4 kids of her own. In the short run it is obviously what she needs to do. I just don't know about the future. My dad needs a lot of care because of his disabilites. It isn't something stacie and her family are able to do. He will probably find a nice senior living type of place with help.

I am just feeling somewhat depressed about the whole thing. Dying is so weird. I don't think I believe in an afterlife. I don't know about that. It seems that the people who hurt the most are the ones who are still alive. Working in the hospital, I have seen people who have gotten to a point in their lives where they are unable to do anything for themselves, or who are comatose and don't even speak or move. Death seems better than that, but if there is nothing after that, I can see how people would be afraid to die. I have had a patient who had a feeding tube in their stomach and all they could do was open their eyes. How is that being alive? Is that being dead? I can't even imagine. I would never want to live like that. It seems like such a waste.

I should go to bed. I am probably mispelling, not making sense, and I am falling asleep as I am sitting here.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

they like me, they really like me

I am just glad for the support that I have gotten the past week. One of my best friends from the time that I was taking my prerequisites called me for the first time in forever. We have just kind of drifted apart because of life. We used to spend every day together, hanging out, studying, eating her awesome homemade food. Now we are both super busy and never see each other. It was really nice for the call.

Then my dad called me and offered me support. We don't talk often. I am not good at communication with him on my part. It seems that if I am not seeing people all the time, I have a hard time writing or calling.

My sister called and wanted to make a date - which didn't work out in the end, but I guess it is the thought that counts.

I was invited to a party for someones new blog. Not sure if I will go because I am not really hip, and she is a really hip Seattlite. I would like to though - I just don't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

My sister Gen called -we talk pretty often though, but it is nice that we do. Once she got married and moved away we barely talked for a year or two. Slowly it has become much more often which I enjoy. It is hard when she comes to visit though, because I don't want to let her go back home!

Just several ways that I was reasurred that people actually do care about me. Thanks guys! I love you too.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

asshole and a slob

I have a secret. Well, truth be told not a huge one because those who have ever been to my house know it - or lets just say my family knows it. I am a HUGE slob. I hate cleaning. I constantly have shit all over the place. Books, papers, pens, crayons, random shit, pretty much everywhere. I try to keep it from getting too crazy, but it does, because I am an asshole and I dont like to clean.

I am not trying to be sarcastic. I really believe that. I feel guilty about not cleaning more, but not guilty enough to actually make some real progress. I mean, today, I sorted some socks. Progress? I don't know if that counts. I try to clean up dishes after myself, but I don't sometimes. And not only am I am asshole slob, I am that slob, in someone else's home. It isn't my home. I can't just live that way and have it be the way it is, like my sister Gen. No. I get to constantly feel the pressure of my assholeness from being messy.

Of course, no matter where I go I feel that pressure. It is inside my head. I get clues from other people, but I only make it mean stuff in the space in my brain.

I spent Saturday afternoon until sunday morning at my old house in Puyallup. It looked so nice. Now, if me and the kids were living there, it wouldn't look so good. Right now, it is just moises. But I thought to myself how lovely it would feel to be able to have all my crap where ever I wanted it, and not have to worry about it getting thrown around, peed on, chewed up, or in someone else's space - because get this - it would actually be my space. I wouldn't have to feel guilty about having my stuff, I would just have the guilt of being messy.

What is wrong with being messy? Really, what is wrong with it? For some reason there is a judgement about if you have a neat tidy house you are a good person, and of course, I am a bad person for being messy. That of course is linked to childhood drama - and it pisses me off that I still use that pitiful excuse. Why don't I just stop being a lazy asshole and get my shit together?

And no, I don't believe that it would be sunshine and lolipops if I lived in Puyallup. I would have some other person telling me I am a lazy asshole. He would just say it out loud, instead of being passive aggressive about it. Well, he would probably be passive agressive about it too.

In the meantime, I will refer to a recent conversation with Balthezar. It went something like this: me: Balthezar, you need to pick up your room. B: Why? Me: Because it is messy! B: SO?

That is right, SO?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I hate what goes on in my head

Do you ever wish that you could just shut the voice in your head up? I do. I think it constantly. I think too goddamn much.

You know what fucking sucks? It sucks that my asshole husband is the most steady person in my life. He may be an asshole, but at least he sticks around for me. He comes back with his fucking tail between his legs and apologizes if it was real bad, but he comes back. He calls me. He makes jokes with me. He tried to make plans with me. He continues to be an asshole, but I guess I at least get some attention.

I hate my fucking family. Yes. That is how I feel today. I might not feel it tomorrow, so give me a fucking break when I feel better, alright? Or is that not allowed. And can I please just be angry and fucking vent without having some other person be codependant and feel bad because I had some strong fucking emotions.

I feel like I am having some realizations about why I do the things I do, although it doesn't make it any better. I have been abandoned a lot. Sometimes for real, sometimes just in my adult head that still feels like it is a little kid not wanting to be abandoned. I know on an adult level that when someone doesn't return your phone calls, it is just that life has happened, right? In my brain, I hear 'well, they don't love you, they don't have time for you, they don't really care about you'. When someone that I like makes plans that I hear about - lets say for a camping trip or some other thing, and I am not part of it, my brain says, 'see, no one really likes you and they never will. Why would they invite you in the first place. You aren't really their friend, you aren't important to them.' I hate the phsycotherapy shit about how you try to fix mistakes from your past with people from your present. The f-ing weird part is that it seems to be true.

The thing is, I hate that I turn something outside myself into something about me. I mean, I guess I can see how if someone is planning something with someone else, they aren't thinking 'screw you Joan' but that is how I feel sometimes. I know that it is a kind of learned behavior from other people in my family. What bothers me too, is that when other people in my family do it, it bothers the hell out of me. I know that I am kind of talking in code here. Sorry.

Now I have sat here crying for 10 minutes with a million more thoughts going through my head but I can't even write them down, because in the end it will all just come back to bite me. I am just having a lot of self loathing right now. I hate myself for not studying more. I don't know why I can't force myself to do more. I have free time on my hands on most days, but instead of doing something productive, I usually just sleep, eat, and use the computer. I do study, but in my head it just isn't enough. I spend time with my kids, but it usually isn't a lot of time, and half of it I just feel like strangling my daughter. Some days are better than others. I am working 16 hours a week at the hospital, and I do have about 7 hours of lecture a week - but what about all that comes inbetween that. What really sucks is that most of the time, I feel so lonely. I mean, really really lonely. I can't seem to be alone with myself, without filling the time with food to distract me from feeling so lonely. At least when I feel sick from eating I can focus on that. It feels better to have a stomach ache than to have a heart ache. And I don't even know why. I am around people a lot. I still just feel alone.

I wish that life were always fun and pretty, with cute puppies that don't chew or pee on things, and rainbows and kittens, and money and peace.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

oh, I don't know

Gosh. I am feeling like I want to write, but don't want to at the same time. I find that I wish I were more witty when writing on this blog, but really, it is just like it says, Diary of a redhead. I can write boring stupid stuff too.

This weekend I passed my certified nursing assistance test, so I can apply for my license now. It doesn't mean that much because I don't plan on working as a CNA, at least not right now. I have started to consider getting a job as a Nurse Tech, which is a fancy name for a CNA who is in nursing school. I would get paid more than a nursing assistant, but have most of the same responsibilities. The nice thing is that if I were to get a nurse tech job they know I am in nursing school so I would only be working 8 hours every other week, but would give me an idea of how the hospital works, and get my foot in the door for applying to get an internship once I have graduated.

School is going okay so far. I constantly feel guilty for not studying more. You would think that I could just study more so as to not feel guilty, but apparently I like feeling that way. I ended up getting a 92% on my first test this quarter. Originally I got an 84, but the teacher gave back points for questions that everyone missed or that she had scored incorrectly. It was kind of scary at first, because several of my friends got failing scores. I have become attached to people and don't want to see them leave the program. Thankfully points were added back and now they have passing scores. (under 78% is failing)

Changing topics completely....Moises. Well, I did end up talking to Moises the next day, and telling them that he was being rediculous and that I wasn't going to give him any of my financial aid money. I did tell him that he didn't have to pay child support - but he has been paying it anyways. He was just drunk and stressed and being a jerk.

NO, I am not making excuses for him. He can be too much, I totally admit that, but I have my problems too. I realize that I only talk about the bad parts of Moises, which makes everyone think he is horrible. Well, any time of abuse and control feels really nasty, but unfortunately I have become accostomed to it. I have to learned to shake it off, I suppose - if that means eating myself to death......(I am so melodramatic)

No, but really. Moises does have some really good qualities. He is a very hard worker. He has always pulled his fair share of the financial responsibilities. Since the time that I quit working when I was pregnant with Edith, he has paid 100% of the household bills (I know I know, that is what he is supposed to do, but he could be a deadbeat and not) He takes care of the kids when I need him too for school. He has taken them on weekend when I need to study or when I am working. He took me to Vegas a few years ago - that way pretty cool. He can be supportive when I am having a hard time with life.

That kind of seems like a lame list. I wish I felt that I could share more of myself with him. That sounds weird, but I mean in terms of things as simple as Facebook. If he were ever to see my facebook account he would FREAK OUT! Big time. Why? Because I happen to have males as friends. I mentioned that I was considered working in the prison system once graduating (I know it sounds crazy, but they need health care too, and the nurses get really good pay and benefits) he got upset. I mean, not super upset, but told me that I couldn't apply to do that. I told him that I would apply where ever I wanted to. Sadly, he isn't worried about me getting hurt or something, it is pure jealousy. Like I would find some great guy at the prison - right.

It bothers me that there is a part of me that would like to break free and just get divorced and over with, but at the same can't do it. I know that my family and friends think I am crazy/stupid/sad and I don't know what else for putting up with his crap. I know that I think that way too. I guess I feel like I have tried to leave (yes, right now I am not living with him, but we are still 'together') so many times and I always get pulled back into the relationship - I feel guilty, I don't want to hurt him, I want the kids to have their father, I know I would not get into another relationship so I would be alone. I am good at being alone, but still, it is nice that somebody wants me ever though I am disgustingly fat.

For the time being, it is what it is. I need to remember that I have told myself not to get wrapped up in it until I am finished with school.