Saturday, March 6, 2010
I found out that I am not getting a preceptorship. When I found out I cried a lot and since then have felt like I am moving on. I think part of the reason why I cried so much is because I feel like my chances of getting the preceptorship are similar to my chances of getting a good residency position in a hospital. Well, I didn't get a preceptorship and I feel like my self esteem has been popped like a balloon. I just feel like a loser and that I am not going to amount to anything. Given that, I have not been to weight watchers and not gotten a new sponsor, so the small amount of weight that I lost earlier this year has been gained back, and I feel like I can never get enough. I know that this is a normal thing for me to go through. I am feeling like I am empty, so I am filling it with food. I still don't feel anything. I feel like I am an empty person who doesn't matter and has nothing to offer. I am just this body that is going through the motions but I am not being real. Lately I feel like I am just faking everything. I mean, they say fake it til you make it, but I just feel bad. I don't like feeling like an empty, useless person who is just pretending to be fine. I am not fine. I know that I am not because I was looking for something today and came across a bunch of Dick's knives. Well did also has lots of guns. It occurred to me for a split second that I should find a gun and use it. Now, I am not going to do that. But it occurred to me, and it didn't really seem like that bad of an idea. That shows me that I am in trouble. I hate being an empty body. I don't feel like a real person. Like I am just nothing, like just a weird feeling of nothingness. I mean, I carry on and do my day, go to school, pick up kids, go out with friends, but it is just an act. I don't really participate. I am just faking it.
Posted by Ivalo at 12:42 AM