Tuesday, January 27, 2009

oh, I don't know

Gosh. I am feeling like I want to write, but don't want to at the same time. I find that I wish I were more witty when writing on this blog, but really, it is just like it says, Diary of a redhead. I can write boring stupid stuff too.

This weekend I passed my certified nursing assistance test, so I can apply for my license now. It doesn't mean that much because I don't plan on working as a CNA, at least not right now. I have started to consider getting a job as a Nurse Tech, which is a fancy name for a CNA who is in nursing school. I would get paid more than a nursing assistant, but have most of the same responsibilities. The nice thing is that if I were to get a nurse tech job they know I am in nursing school so I would only be working 8 hours every other week, but would give me an idea of how the hospital works, and get my foot in the door for applying to get an internship once I have graduated.

School is going okay so far. I constantly feel guilty for not studying more. You would think that I could just study more so as to not feel guilty, but apparently I like feeling that way. I ended up getting a 92% on my first test this quarter. Originally I got an 84, but the teacher gave back points for questions that everyone missed or that she had scored incorrectly. It was kind of scary at first, because several of my friends got failing scores. I have become attached to people and don't want to see them leave the program. Thankfully points were added back and now they have passing scores. (under 78% is failing)

Changing topics completely....Moises. Well, I did end up talking to Moises the next day, and telling them that he was being rediculous and that I wasn't going to give him any of my financial aid money. I did tell him that he didn't have to pay child support - but he has been paying it anyways. He was just drunk and stressed and being a jerk.

NO, I am not making excuses for him. He can be too much, I totally admit that, but I have my problems too. I realize that I only talk about the bad parts of Moises, which makes everyone think he is horrible. Well, any time of abuse and control feels really nasty, but unfortunately I have become accostomed to it. I have to learned to shake it off, I suppose - if that means eating myself to death......(I am so melodramatic)

No, but really. Moises does have some really good qualities. He is a very hard worker. He has always pulled his fair share of the financial responsibilities. Since the time that I quit working when I was pregnant with Edith, he has paid 100% of the household bills (I know I know, that is what he is supposed to do, but he could be a deadbeat and not) He takes care of the kids when I need him too for school. He has taken them on weekend when I need to study or when I am working. He took me to Vegas a few years ago - that way pretty cool. He can be supportive when I am having a hard time with life.

That kind of seems like a lame list. I wish I felt that I could share more of myself with him. That sounds weird, but I mean in terms of things as simple as Facebook. If he were ever to see my facebook account he would FREAK OUT! Big time. Why? Because I happen to have males as friends. I mentioned that I was considered working in the prison system once graduating (I know it sounds crazy, but they need health care too, and the nurses get really good pay and benefits) he got upset. I mean, not super upset, but told me that I couldn't apply to do that. I told him that I would apply where ever I wanted to. Sadly, he isn't worried about me getting hurt or something, it is pure jealousy. Like I would find some great guy at the prison - right.

It bothers me that there is a part of me that would like to break free and just get divorced and over with, but at the same can't do it. I know that my family and friends think I am crazy/stupid/sad and I don't know what else for putting up with his crap. I know that I think that way too. I guess I feel like I have tried to leave (yes, right now I am not living with him, but we are still 'together') so many times and I always get pulled back into the relationship - I feel guilty, I don't want to hurt him, I want the kids to have their father, I know I would not get into another relationship so I would be alone. I am good at being alone, but still, it is nice that somebody wants me ever though I am disgustingly fat.

For the time being, it is what it is. I need to remember that I have told myself not to get wrapped up in it until I am finished with school.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Happy and Sad

I don't really talk about it anymore, because time has gone by and people aren't really that interested, I suppose - but the best year of my life was spent in a little town in northern Greenland. I definately had ups and downs, but in all, it was amazing. I have done and see things that most people never will - like walking on the frozen ocean, riding on a dogsled, ate seal and whale.
The only time that I went back was 10 years ago, right before I got married. Shortly after that, my host family came to visit me here in the states. My sister Ivalu stayed behind to live with my family. It turned out not to be a good match. My family is loud, fights a lot, kinda crazy, and it really freaked Ivalu out. Ivalu didn't seem to want to be here, so long story short, she went home. I heard from my mom one time after that, and then for 8 years haven't heard anything from them.
Well, happily, Facebook has given me the ability to find all my old friends and my family. My heart has been so full the past couple of days because I have been thinking about the good times that I had while I was there.
Unfortunately, I talked with my host sister Parnuna, and found out that my brother Aputsiaq had committed suicide in 2002. My heart really hurts now. I started crying right then while talking to her, and couldn't talk anymore. I feel weird being so emotional about it. I mean, it happend 7 years ago, and I didn't even know him anymore. But I am REALLY sad about it. My heart has been heavy all afternoon. I got my parents phone number and will call them in the morning. I just keep crying about it and feel sick. I can't imagine what that would be like for his mom and dad and sisters. Unfortunately, Greenland has a very high suicide rate.
I think that it has impressed upon me though,(besides that I am grateful for prozac, lithium, lamictol, celexa, etc.) that I would really like to see what psychiatric nursing is like. When I was inpatient at Valley after Balthezar was born, and I had really bad post pardom depression, there was an awesome nurse. It made me want to be a nurse. I have had the lowest of lows, so I can definately feel the pain of others. I have also been able to find a way to live with my issues, and to constantly work to do a better job, and be the person that I want to be.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

donde chingada andas?

I am feeling really sad and feel like crying, but the tears won't come out.

Moises got to his parents house last night. He called to let me know he got there and I said I would call today to talk more. I called 3 times during the day, and he wasn't home. He went out with his counsins. I know that this means he is out being force fed alcohol, and probably won't come home until tomorrow morning or something.

I was out shopping with the kids, and on my way home when he called. Donde chingada andas? Que chingada haces? He says. Which means, essentially, where the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing. I tell him that I went to the store to buy some things. What exactly, he wants to know. Well, I went to get a pom pom makers, but no one seems to stock them. I ended up buying 2 bras, socks for the kids, q-tips, cotton balls, and detangler spray, to be exact. I say I was just picking up some stuff for around the house. I am not meaning to be evasive, but when someone is saying what the fuck are you out doing at 8 o clock at night, and yelling at me, I am not thinking, well hey, I got xyz. Plus, if I do tell him what I have bought, he will find some way to be like, gosh Joan, why do you spend so much money?

He then asks me if I have paid for my ticket. I got a ticket for no insurance when I was hit in the accident last year. I told him that yes I paid it. He asks me how. Well, I got my financial aid check on Monday, so I paid the $94 with that. Oh, he says. Well, how much did I get for financial aid, he asks. I didn't want to tell him. I probably wouldn't have told him except for the fact that my stupid bank statement still gets sent to the house in Puyallup, so he can see where I spend all my money and how much I have. (why on earth I haven't changed it, I don't know)

2000 dollars. I know it is a lot of money. And I want it all for me. I don't want to share it. I have spent so much time being worried about money, that I just want it. Is that wrong? It means I will have an extra 500 or so a month for the next 4 months. It means that I won't have to worry about buying new shoes if the kids need it. It means I can fill up my car with gas without worrying. It means I can buy clothes that looks nice instead of ugly cheap shit. It means that I can pay for daycare without worrying. It means that I can buy my kids clothes when they need it and it can be something new that I actually like, instead of hand me downs. It means so much to me. I fucking hate living like a pauper, and financial aid money gives me the option to not live like that. And he wants me to give it all to him, and the fucking sick sad thing, is that I feel bad for not giving it to him!!!!!

Well, Moises, who is drunk of course, asks me how much of it I am going to give to him. I asked him how much he wanted - and what he wanted it for. He says that he wants 1500 to make a house payment. He says that it isn't fair that he is the one that pays for everything and that I don't help out. Well, I say, I go to school full time, and I take care of the children. Well, that doesn't count, or that doesn't matter, he says. He needs help too. He says that if I am unwilling to help out, that if he sells the house and makes a profit, the profit will all go to him. Well, I don't really care, so I just say, sure. I do tell him that it isn't a good time to sell the house, and that it would be a bad idea. He just goes on and on. At this point, I don't want to get angry so I tell him that we should talk another time when he isn't drunk.

He keeps talking, and I don't hang up because that isn't a good idea. Or maybe it would be a better idea. I don't know. I am a wimp, and I guess maybe I don't think it is fair, and I feel like maybe I don't deserve to live above extreme poverty with a whole $2000 for a quarter. I tell him that if he feels like I am not helping out, that I can give him 400 dollars a month. He says that it isn't enough and that I should help out more because how is he going to make the house payment. If that is all I am willing to give, then I guess that means he'll sell the house, he says. I tell him that is ridiculous, because Emily will be paying 200 a month and if I am giving him 400 a month, it is like what Antonio was paying for rent, so he should be fine. No, that isn't what matters, apparently. I should give him all 1500 of my financial aid because otherwise I am just being selfish and not helping out the family.

Fucking bullshit.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

rocking out at Chuck E Cheese

Now that Stacie lives up in Oak Harbor, we have started a tradition of spending Christmas Eve at the Chuck E Cheese in Burlington. It is about 45 minutes from her house, and about 1 15 minutes from ours. The place is almost empty, so we have the place to ourselves and it isn't too loud and crazy.
This year, Grandma Muriel got guitars for the kids for Christmas. The kids LOVE them. The blue screen at ChuckE's makes a movie and puts in on all of the tv's in the place. That is one of their favorite things to do as well - watch themselves on tv.

Christmas play

The daycare that the kids go to put on a play each year for Christmas. This year it was pretty lame, as the kids didn't have lines memorized and didn't speak loud enough for anyone to hear - except Balthezar - yay! Edith was in the Chorus and she sung her little heart out. My heart was bursting with joy watching them both. Edith was always dancing as she was singing, which rubbed off on the kids she was standing around.

I wish that I didn't look like an alien in this picture. My eyes look beady and my forhead is huge. My kids look super cute though! I do have really attractive kids. I was talking to Carol today about the fact that my kids not being complete food addicts like me and my family is amazing. We can have a bowl of candy around for ages and they won't eat it all. And they even ask for permission. When I was a kid I would just steal it.

I am really ticked right now at Mexico. Why? How? How can I be mad at an entire country? Well, not totally. I am just ticked off because Moises is in Ciudad Juarez right now, registering 2 trucks that his brother Antonio is taking home with him(he has been living here for 5 years and is now going home). I was able to load up the trucks with lots of goodies for my in laws. Tons of clothes and toys. Now, this isn't nice stuff from the store, it is okay second hand stuff from me, Stacie, friends, and Value Village. Well, Moises lets me know today that he might not be able to bring it all with him because it is for kids and he isn't travelling with kids. Why the fuck do they care? Why does customs give a shit about a bunch of second hand kids clothes and toys. I don't get it.

Now, I have just realized that our cat, Leo is missing. I haven't seen him in a couple of days. Cats do that sometimes, but cats in our house who go missing don't ever come back. We know that there is a neighbor around who is taking care of one of our cats, because he came home once wearing a colar. Hopefully Leo has been stolen and not eaten by a coyote. I mean, coyotes need to eat too, but I really loved Leo. I hate the stupid dogs at my moms house. They are nice and all, but cats are so much better.

And, I forgot to pay my fucking ticket. (yes, I am swearing a lot, get over it) I hope that I don't get pulled over and arrested. I don't know how I forgot. I just hope that since I will be paying late, they will still let me pay only 81 dollars instead of the original 550. My luck stinks, so I don't know why that wouldn't happen.

And I can't stop eating, or obsessing about eating. Obviously, given my size, I eat a lot. I feel like all I can even think about it what I will or will not eat, and if I eat too much, how I can go throw it up without anybody finding out. Again, I don't know why I care if someone knows I am throwing up my food. I mean, it will end up in the toilet at some point anyways. I don't know how to stop myself from doing it. I want help, but I don't know where to get it.

Friday, January 2, 2009


I have found myself at a weird point in my life. I have friends that really like me. I have always had some friends, but I have never really felt like I was really their friend. They were Stacies friends, or were friends, but I was always the only one who put effort into the relationship.

This year at school, I have found a group to study together I really like them, and they like me. I know it sounds kind of silly, but it is true. I find that they are calling me to see when we are getting together. We got together on the last day of class to have a drink and celebrate finishing our first quarter. We study for a few hours every Sunday at Panera together. We even had a Christmas gift exchange. It is really nice.

I have also reconnected with some people from my past through facebook. On one hand facebook is weird. I find myself requesting to be friends with people, and then afterwards think to myself, why? I guess part of it is curiosity. It is interesting to see where other people are in their lives. What they are up to, what they do for a living, that sort of thing. I have managed to connect with a friend that I have known since 7th grade. She liked me even though I looked like this (see below) scary! On the other hand, I am like, lame. For example - there was a girl in school who I thought had to perfect life. Pretty, popular, smart, athletic. She got full scholarships to go to school. I remember talking to someone and saying that it was probably as good as it is going to get for her, right? Wrong! From what I can see, she still seems to have a perfect life, with a perfect boyfriend, perfect job, and get this, over 500 friends on facebook. I mean, who has 500 fucking friends on facebook. Her, of course. (sorry if you ever read this Heidi, but you know its true) My sister Stacie did say something that made me think. How good of a friend can you really be when you have 500 friends. I will try to remember that, but knowing her, they probably are all dying to see her and go out with her.

Carol and I are getting together tomorrow (the friend I was talking about before I went on the tangent about miss perfect) and I have to admit that I am a little bit intimidated. She is a hairdresser who is trendy and lives in SanFransisco. I am really fat, wear ugly clothes and a student. I always feel uncomfortable seeing people from my past. I am embarrassed that I have gotten to be the size that I am, and worry what they will think of me.

It shouldn't matter - what they think of me. But it does. I wish I could stop judging myself. Nothing is ever going to change while I am so mean to myself. Although, I have to admit, even though I am fat, I really am beautiful and have aged well.

I also reconnected with a friend that I was an exchange student with. She also lives in California, and has been working her way to stardome for years. She is super talented and hardworking, and kind and generous. She even sent me a really awesome handmade bag. I was shocked when I opened it.

That is what I mean. I can't believe that people are thinking of me. Now - family, yes, you think of me, I know that. But it really means something to me that others actually enjoy me as well.