Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I started my day today almost not going. I convinced myself that something bad was going to happen and that I needed to stay home. Instead I found myself enjoying a nice scenic drive to Aberdeen and being show around a large skilled nursing facility. I was impressed with the number of lifts that they have for the staff to use - I hope that they are being used. I did feel kind of uncomfortable and out of place. It also bothered me that the dementia unit has the least amount of nursing staff with the same amount of patients, and smells like urine. I don't think I want to work down there.

The pay is great 24.60 an hour, $1.50 extra for the evening shift, and $2.50 extra an hour for night shift. So if I took nights, I could be making $27.10 an hour. If I were to work 32 hours a week it would work out to over $3500 dollars a month before taxes/insurance, and that type of stuff.

I am freaking out about taking it though. I am worried about the kids. I am worried about the drive. I am worried that something better will come along and I will miss it. I am worried that something better won't come along and I will be stuck there. I am worried about not liking the job. I am worried about not liking the people. I am worried about hating the work.

I always felt that way about clinical though, and I always ended up liking it. I would make myself sick ahead of time, and would end up doing fine. This can be great too. I think of all the posibilities. I could help pay rent. I could sign the kids up for gymnastics. I could start a college fund.

I think I am worried about having that much money. I mean, what if I just blow it all. I don't know what on, but I am sure that I could blow it all on stupid shit.


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jackie mero said...

I was just getting ideas for a domain name a searching what may already be taken when I came upon your site. From redhead to redhead, I sincerely hope that everything is ok with you. I read through your most recent posts and I see you are troubled. I lost a son in 2011 and have had a very rocky relationship with my slightly narcissistic husband in the past. I made a suicide threat after my third child was born looking so like his big brother. It threw me. I just wanted you to know that you resonate with me. I care. I am sure many do. We tend to hide the depth of our pain too well at times so friends and family might not see how bad they are needed. I hope that you can find some way to bring joy back into your life.