Beyond livid

I am fucking beyond livid. I want to punch a fucking hole in the wall among other things. I realize that I may be over-reacting, since I am on my period. This is never a good time to fuck with me. And the one person in my life who really likes to fuck with me is a god damned expert and I always forgive him. Why? I don't fucking know why. It makes no fucking sense to me.

Edith called him yesterday because she really wanted to talk to him, but he didn't answer his phone. I texted him a while later and got no response. I called again after the kids had gone to bed at about 10:30 and he said I woke him up, so I just let him go.

So I was kind of upset because I don't like that he didn't respond to us all night. Today I call and ask him what was up and he said his phone was charging in the bedroom, and he was watching tv in the living room. Fine, whatever. He then says he is off work and coming to pick me up to go grab something to eat. Well, he works only about 15 minutes from here, but an hour later he shows up. I ask him what's up, why did it take so long. He says his boss needed him to work some more. I told him it would be nice if he called to let me know that and of course he gets upset because he does what he has to do to keep his job. That is fine with me, I would just like a fucking phone call, Alright!?

So we get the kids and go to eat, drop Balthezar off at cubscouts and come home. Well, on the way home I ask him if it would be okay if he watched the kids and I could go to an OA meeting. His response is something to the effect of - what for? It is just you driving around and wasting gas, he says. Okay, go fuck yourself buddy. We get home and he goes into the kids room and is watching tv, I ask him why he says stuff like that. He says for me to just go and he doesn't know why he said it. (to piss me off and make me feel bad is what I'm thinking)

So I go to the meeting, stop at Safeway to pick him up lunch for tomorrow and come home. It is almost 9, so think that he has probably not gotten them to sleep, but the kids are probably in bed, right? No. They are eating because they say they are starving - which I doubt, but whatever. I try to read books with them but he isn't respectfull of that and plays around with the kids so they aren't listening and are getting wound up. I then just told the kids I love them and left.

He comes out a few hours later, after falling asleep in there and watches tv with me and my mom for a while. When we all decide to go to bed, he says something about the bed not being made. I don't ever make the bed. Bedmaking makes no real sense for me and I have never really done it. He knows that. He is the one who usually will make the bed. Well, I go to the bathroom and go to my room and he isn't in there. He has decided to sleep in the kids' room. WTF?! I mean, really? I don't make the fucking bed like always and you decide to not sleep with me because of it. Well, fuck you too, asshole. Don't expect to be sleeping in my goddamned bed any time soon motherfucker. I fucking hate you, you stupid prick.

Balthezar got stabbed!

I am feeling anxious and mad! Balthezar was held down by one kid, while another stood over him and slobbered all over him, and yet another stabbed him with a pencil at his daycare today. I found out about it because his teacher called me at the end of the school day and told me that Balthezar was refusing to get on the daycare van because he was afraid.

I talked to his daycare for over an hour about the whole incident. The kids who did it are giving a different story. The daycare people wonder why he didn't say anything about getting hurt, and how he seemed fine on the ride to school. They know that something happened, because all of a sudden all the boys were on the floor, and Balthezar had some kids slobber all over his jacket. I try to take what any kid, including my own, says with a grain of salt. Not because they are kids (I should rephrase that and say that I do that for adults too!) but because they have so much going on and their bodies move around so much, and don't pay attention sometimes. Well, the kids in question have been suspended from the daycare in the past, and in general are discipline problems, (maybe conduct disorder?) so I don't trust their word for it - but my son's word.

The fact of the matter is that he has blood on his leg. Not a huge cut, but a cut. It could have just as easily been his crotch, eye, stomach, you name it. I asked them why they continue to keep disciplining them the same way, since it obviously isn't working, and also why they even bother with keeping the children in the daycare. Well, they agreed with me that I should be angry, and said they will talk with the parents and the kids, and that if things don't change they will be kicked out. Well, good. But at the same time, I feel there is an injustice and no consequences. I told them that I was actually seriously considering contacting the police to make a complaint of assault. I know that is a really hard line to draw, but if Balthezar is being abused by some asshole kid, a time-out really isn't appropriate. The director sounded pretty scared when I said that and asked if I would think about it. She said she would call the police on Monday and see if they could get some police officers to come in and talk to the kids about assaulting people A 'scared straight' mini meeting, I suppose. I said that would be great. Thinking about it though, I am still just mad and want more done, more closure, more SOMETHING!

I told them that I might not bring the kids back, but that I feel it wouldn't be fair that I am the person looking for a new day care for my children instead of the kids who are the problem. And finding a spot in a daycare sucks because half the time all the spaces are filled, and the other half of the time, they don't take DSHS. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Is it December already?

I can't believe that I am a mere 6 months away from being an RN. It seems like I have been working towards this for so long, but I also feel like I can't remember where the time went it has been so fast.

I am thinking to myself that I know that I enjoy writing down what is going on in my life, but at the same time, I haven't written anything for a long time, and haven't been writting often for a long time. I can see how that is the trend with the others on my blog list. What's up guys!!!??

So, of course I wait to write something until I am upset - and of course, my main topic of upsetness, Moises. Nothing new. I won't write any details, because it isn't really that interesting. I just know that I am feeling crappy, and maybe writing will help me to feel better.

I am thinking more and more about my weight lately. I joined weight watchers. I did well for the first week, then for the next couple of weeks, didn't really do anything at all. I didn't even go to a meeting. Kathy joined tonight, and I went to the meeting, so I hope that with some support I can feel better about eating better. I went to an OA meeting for the first time in years on Sunday. I am doing a community resource report for school and had to pick something to educate the people in my class about. It felt really good to go. I have heard people in the past say that they go somewhere and it feels like 'home' I have never understood that saying, but I totally felt like that. I think I will start to go back to meetings.

Well, it is very late, and morning comes early, unfortunately!

She is only 6!!!

Edith was taking a bath the other day. She looked down at her legs and said, "Mommy, my legs are hairy, I need to shave them." In my head I am thinking, oh my gosh, what am I supposed to say to that, and she's only 6, what the hell?! So I say, well, girls all have hair that grows on their legs. I say, 'look, mommy has hair on her legs'. Her response: But all the skinny beautiful girls don't have hair on their legs.

WTF!!!

State testing folly

Balthezar passed the WASL for the third grade. I am pretty happy about that.

The teachers spend all of their time teaching kids how to pass the WASL. Balthezar brings home practice tests all of the time. This week Balthezar brought home his practice test and he was so excited - he only got 1 wrong! The instructions for the problem is to read the sentence and to pick the word that is the same as the bolded word in the sentence.

Please do this FAVOR for me.

Now the correct answer was 'kind act'

Balthezar however chose 'a dull chore'

hmmmmmmm

coming out of the hole

I miss my kids. I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is true sometimes. I miss Edith's little pictures that she is always drawing and sharing with me. I miss Balthezar's excitement about his favorite television shows.

I just don't think that I can go through with it. I don't know if I am being selfish or realistic or what. I just can't listen to their voices asking me to come home. I feel like either way I have already made a mistake. They know they have been sent away from me. They aren't stupid. I want them home, but what happens when I have a breakdown again? I don't feel that low very often. I think the combination of coming home, kids starting school, me about to start school made for a bad combination. Then I got really sick and felt like hell for over a week. On top of that I started my period. On a normal month I feel like dying right before my period. With the combination of all of that, it was really, really bad.

Did I say something to anyone? no Did I ask for help? not really. I did ask Moises to help at the very end, when I knew that I was near the edge. He did come over a couple days later and hang out with the kids. Obviously he didn't think it was that serious. Maybe I could have been more aggressive with asking for help. I couldn't ask Kathy for help, as she was not coming to the house because of family issues. I thought about it, but knew she wouldn't come over. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't ask mom for help either.

I guess one thing I have learned is that I really need to put together a list of people for help when I am feeling like I can't take it anymore. I have done this in the past, but haven't done it recently, and haven't taken it seriously. I mean, having a safety plan in place for myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and I don't have to dispair and think that the world is over. I also need to put together a menstral calendar for myself, so that I can see where I am at and when I should be getting my period. This will help me to remember that when I am feeling like I want to die, it probably just means that I am going to have my period. If I know when my period will be, I can remind myself that I really don't want to kill myself, it is just my period.

I need to call my therapist on monday and make an appointment. I would like to see if I can get in to see my psychiatrist as well. I think I am also going to make an appointment to see doctor Kaminski about getting on Yaz for my issues with my menstral cycle. It just isn't right to feel that way EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!

I am also going to swallow my pride and call the school counselor at the kids' school and ask about parenting classes. I really need some help. I watched about 4 hours of Supernanny in the past couple of days, and have seen how I am not completely failing, but have a ton of room for growth. I would like to put up a big poster board with house rules like she does, and put together something specific for rewarding the children. I have talked about it and haven't followed through with it. I really want to find a way to spend more quality time with them every day having fun. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I have not been enjoying them enough, and they are getting negative attention from me instead of good attention. Even if it is just 15 minutes a day doing something fun.

Something that I need to get into place is a firm, written plan about how I am going to loose weight. It is something that my psychiatrist has been asking me to do for months. Having something written will help to keep a committment to myself. I think that part of the reason I haven't been doing as much with the kids is because I am just too tired. I hope that exercising and eating a bit better will help me feel better. Carrying around an extra person all day, everyday tends to make one feel pretty tired!

So what do I need? I need support. I will need some gentle reminders to get back on track. I am not ready to let my kids go until I have really tried to make this work. Thinking about being without them makes me feel numb and horrible. Again, I will need help, so please, please if you read this, help me out and ask me how its going. Ask me to go on a walk with you. Ask me to have my kids help to make a healthy meal. Ask me how my parenting classes are going. Give me a reminder of how I am doing - that I can keep going.

burning eyes

My eyes feel like they are burning I have cried so much lately. I just wish that I could end it. I don't even know why I am crying. I don't feel like I am feeling anything. Just dispair really. I deep black nothingness. I am ready to give up. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to stay awake. I don't want to go out, and I don't want to stay home.

I miss my kids. Why am I such a bitch? I am sick of stumbling through life. I don't enjoy it very often. It is just a mass of nothing. I am always just tired, and grumpy, and lazy, and horrid. Maybe not at the same time, but at least one or two.

I usually medicate with food. Food doesn't even sound good to me anymore.

(edited out for privacy!) and part of me wants to just stop it because I know that people hate people who do that. I know, I am crazy.

It is just too much. Either way, my decisions make bad decisions that hurt people, inconvenience people, or scare people. I can't imagine my life without them, I don't want them to hate me - which will happen with whatever I do. That is why it seems easier to do others things. I will be hated even more.

The whole thing is just stupid. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Only disneyland dads get that.