Filling a whole

I found out that I am not getting a preceptorship. When I found out I cried a lot and since then have felt like I am moving on. I think part of the reason why I cried so much is because I feel like my chances of getting the preceptorship are similar to my chances of getting a good residency position in a hospital. Well, I didn't get a preceptorship and I feel like my self esteem has been popped like a balloon. I just feel like a loser and that I am not going to amount to anything. Given that, I have not been to weight watchers and not gotten a new sponsor, so the small amount of weight that I lost earlier this year has been gained back, and I feel like I can never get enough. I know that this is a normal thing for me to go through. I am feeling like I am empty, so I am filling it with food. I still don't feel anything. I feel like I am an empty person who doesn't matter and has nothing to offer. I am just this body that is going through the motions but I am not being real. Lately I feel like I am just faking everything. I mean, they say fake it til you make it, but I just feel bad. I don't like feeling like an empty, useless person who is just pretending to be fine. I am not fine. I know that I am not because I was looking for something today and came across a bunch of Dick's knives. Well did also has lots of guns. It occurred to me for a split second that I should find a gun and use it. Now, I am not going to do that. But it occurred to me, and it didn't really seem like that bad of an idea. That shows me that I am in trouble. I hate being an empty body. I don't feel like a real person. Like I am just nothing, like just a weird feeling of nothingness. I mean, I carry on and do my day, go to school, pick up kids, go out with friends, but it is just an act. I don't really participate. I am just faking it.

111 Days until my pinning ceremony

I know that because one of my classmates posted it on Facebook. It seems kind of like a long ways away when it is put into days, but I know it is only ONE quarter left. WOW! I can't even believe it. I have been in school for 3 years now.

It has been stressful recently because everyone is thinking about finding a job now, and no hospitals are hiring. Well, they are hiring, but maybe 10 new grads out of hundreds of applications. It is frustrating. Right now our instructors are deciding who will get a preceptorship. Our last quarter starts with 100 hours of clinical work, and those who get a preceptorship will be working one on one with another nurse and doing all their workload. Out of 40 or so students only about 10 will get one, so everyone is anxious. They say it will be based on grades and previous clinical work. So far it seems that it might just be based on how well a person has kissed up to certain teachers.

I don't know if I got one or not, but I am thinking that I didn't. I do know that I am going to be working at Harborview. I am pretty excited about that. I have never actually been inside Harborview, but I hear it is interesting.

My heart hurts. My tummy hurts. My mind feels numb. I can't concentrate. I don't want to study and I really need to.

contemplation

After a day of playing with my children and contemplation of the meeting I went to this morning, I am feeling somber. I have had a small scuffle with Moises today, and mentioned it to my sponsor. Every time I have been abstinent in the past, I have given it up, or thrown it away, because of my inability to handle the stress over my relationship with him. My sponsor said that my relationship with Moises seems to be a bit like my relationship with food. Push, pull, up, down, love and hate. I never even thought of it that way. She also asked that if it came down to it, which would I choose - abstinence or him. Or to put it in a different light - myself or him. I couldn't answer that question truthfully because I have tried to leave him so many times, and end up letting him back, that I can't say that I would choose myself. I don't understand why I do this to myself, my kids, and him.

2009 Comes to an end

I just wanted to take a few minutes and write down some thoughts about this past year. It seems to have flown by. I can hardly believe that in 6 more months, I will be a nurse. This year has been a good one for me, I think. I have make 2 great friendships from school, and I hope that we will be friends for the years to come. This past month I have gotten more focused on myself and what I need to do to take better care of myself. That includes joining weight watchers and also going back to my overeaters anonymous meetings. So far, things are going okay. This past month I am down about 4 pounds, which is better than the 10-15 that most people gain over the holidays. It is still really hard for me, but hopefully as time goes by it will be easier.

I have never been one to do much of a new years resolution list, but this year I feel prompted to write down some goals for this year to come. My biggest goal, is graduating from school and getting gainfully employed! The thought of actually having a job after all these years feels really daunting! I am hoping that I will handle it well. I also have a goal of starting classes at the University of Washington for my bachelors of Nursing. They have a part time program that meets one day a week for two years in Tacoma. Marcella, Luth and I have talked about all going together. I have a goal to be down 15 pounds by my birthday, 60 by graduation, and between 75 and 100 by this time next year. I look forward to getting support from my family and friends on this one. Support to me for this is having family go on walks together, eating healthy meals together, keeping healthy foods in the house, and binge foods out of the house (hopefully!) I would also like to start spending 15 minutes of quality one on one time each day with my children. So often, I find myself taking a nap, playing on the computer, calling people or watching tv, when I could be doing something with my kids.


Happy new year everyone.

Beyond livid

I am fucking beyond livid. I want to punch a fucking hole in the wall among other things. I realize that I may be over-reacting, since I am on my period. This is never a good time to fuck with me. And the one person in my life who really likes to fuck with me is a god damned expert and I always forgive him. Why? I don't fucking know why. It makes no fucking sense to me.

Edith called him yesterday because she really wanted to talk to him, but he didn't answer his phone. I texted him a while later and got no response. I called again after the kids had gone to bed at about 10:30 and he said I woke him up, so I just let him go.

So I was kind of upset because I don't like that he didn't respond to us all night. Today I call and ask him what was up and he said his phone was charging in the bedroom, and he was watching tv in the living room. Fine, whatever. He then says he is off work and coming to pick me up to go grab something to eat. Well, he works only about 15 minutes from here, but an hour later he shows up. I ask him what's up, why did it take so long. He says his boss needed him to work some more. I told him it would be nice if he called to let me know that and of course he gets upset because he does what he has to do to keep his job. That is fine with me, I would just like a fucking phone call, Alright!?

So we get the kids and go to eat, drop Balthezar off at cubscouts and come home. Well, on the way home I ask him if it would be okay if he watched the kids and I could go to an OA meeting. His response is something to the effect of - what for? It is just you driving around and wasting gas, he says. Okay, go fuck yourself buddy. We get home and he goes into the kids room and is watching tv, I ask him why he says stuff like that. He says for me to just go and he doesn't know why he said it. (to piss me off and make me feel bad is what I'm thinking)

So I go to the meeting, stop at Safeway to pick him up lunch for tomorrow and come home. It is almost 9, so think that he has probably not gotten them to sleep, but the kids are probably in bed, right? No. They are eating because they say they are starving - which I doubt, but whatever. I try to read books with them but he isn't respectfull of that and plays around with the kids so they aren't listening and are getting wound up. I then just told the kids I love them and left.

He comes out a few hours later, after falling asleep in there and watches tv with me and my mom for a while. When we all decide to go to bed, he says something about the bed not being made. I don't ever make the bed. Bedmaking makes no real sense for me and I have never really done it. He knows that. He is the one who usually will make the bed. Well, I go to the bathroom and go to my room and he isn't in there. He has decided to sleep in the kids' room. WTF?! I mean, really? I don't make the fucking bed like always and you decide to not sleep with me because of it. Well, fuck you too, asshole. Don't expect to be sleeping in my goddamned bed any time soon motherfucker. I fucking hate you, you stupid prick.

Balthezar got stabbed!

I am feeling anxious and mad! Balthezar was held down by one kid, while another stood over him and slobbered all over him, and yet another stabbed him with a pencil at his daycare today. I found out about it because his teacher called me at the end of the school day and told me that Balthezar was refusing to get on the daycare van because he was afraid.

I talked to his daycare for over an hour about the whole incident. The kids who did it are giving a different story. The daycare people wonder why he didn't say anything about getting hurt, and how he seemed fine on the ride to school. They know that something happened, because all of a sudden all the boys were on the floor, and Balthezar had some kids slobber all over his jacket. I try to take what any kid, including my own, says with a grain of salt. Not because they are kids (I should rephrase that and say that I do that for adults too!) but because they have so much going on and their bodies move around so much, and don't pay attention sometimes. Well, the kids in question have been suspended from the daycare in the past, and in general are discipline problems, (maybe conduct disorder?) so I don't trust their word for it - but my son's word.

The fact of the matter is that he has blood on his leg. Not a huge cut, but a cut. It could have just as easily been his crotch, eye, stomach, you name it. I asked them why they continue to keep disciplining them the same way, since it obviously isn't working, and also why they even bother with keeping the children in the daycare. Well, they agreed with me that I should be angry, and said they will talk with the parents and the kids, and that if things don't change they will be kicked out. Well, good. But at the same time, I feel there is an injustice and no consequences. I told them that I was actually seriously considering contacting the police to make a complaint of assault. I know that is a really hard line to draw, but if Balthezar is being abused by some asshole kid, a time-out really isn't appropriate. The director sounded pretty scared when I said that and asked if I would think about it. She said she would call the police on Monday and see if they could get some police officers to come in and talk to the kids about assaulting people A 'scared straight' mini meeting, I suppose. I said that would be great. Thinking about it though, I am still just mad and want more done, more closure, more SOMETHING!

I told them that I might not bring the kids back, but that I feel it wouldn't be fair that I am the person looking for a new day care for my children instead of the kids who are the problem. And finding a spot in a daycare sucks because half the time all the spaces are filled, and the other half of the time, they don't take DSHS. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!