alone

It's been a year

I looked at the date of the last post and by the time I post this it will have been exactly one year since my last post. Weird. I felt like blogging because I have been really holding all of my emotions in lately and decided I should get it out. I am not really sure what exactly I want to get out. It is weird being happy in some ways but miserable in others.

I moved back to Puyallup in January. I can't believe we have already been here for almost a year. The time has really flown. The first few months mainly because I was working so much there wasn't a chance for me to think. Now that I have a much less stressful job, it is weird thinking about that time.

Although my job is less stressful, it has created some issues for me. The hours have mostly been on the weekend, and crazy all day split shift then all night shifts, or 16 hour all night from 10pm to 2 pm the next day. I feel tired all the time and even after a few days off work, all I want to do is sleep.

I am pretty depressed in general I think. I try to cover it up, but I can feel that 'covering up' building as fat on my body. All I seem to do lately is eat and sleep. About a month ago I said something to Moises about how I am feeling really depressed and like I am not good for anything. Within minutes he was trying to have sex with me. I was like, fine, whatever and we had sex. I think that may have been one of the last times we have had sex, because I felt so upset about it afterward, then some other things have happened and I have just said no. It is the longest we have ever gone without sex while being in the same country. I am fine with it, because I am mad at him. He on the other hand, hasn't said anything, but won't help with stuff. I know that it is kind of like sick, twisted, whatever, but it is kind of like I have been able to get him to do some things for me, or let me do things, by me having sex with him.

Why am writing this on my blog. Well, no one reads it anymore. And I guess if you do, well you know me well enough to know my sick stuff. right?

Aberdeen

I started my day today almost not going. I convinced myself that something bad was going to happen and that I needed to stay home. Instead I found myself enjoying a nice scenic drive to Aberdeen and being show around a large skilled nursing facility. I was impressed with the number of lifts that they have for the staff to use - I hope that they are being used. I did feel kind of uncomfortable and out of place. It also bothered me that the dementia unit has the least amount of nursing staff with the same amount of patients, and smells like urine. I don't think I want to work down there.

The pay is great 24.60 an hour, $1.50 extra for the evening shift, and $2.50 extra an hour for night shift. So if I took nights, I could be making $27.10 an hour. If I were to work 32 hours a week it would work out to over $3500 dollars a month before taxes/insurance, and that type of stuff.

I am freaking out about taking it though. I am worried about the kids. I am worried about the drive. I am worried that something better will come along and I will miss it. I am worried that something better won't come along and I will be stuck there. I am worried about not liking the job. I am worried about not liking the people. I am worried about hating the work.

I always felt that way about clinical though, and I always ended up liking it. I would make myself sick ahead of time, and would end up doing fine. This can be great too. I think of all the posibilities. I could help pay rent. I could sign the kids up for gymnastics. I could start a college fund.

I think I am worried about having that much money. I mean, what if I just blow it all. I don't know what on, but I am sure that I could blow it all on stupid shit.

anxiety taking over

I am feeling really anxious tonight. Well, I feel pretty anxious most of the time, it just seems pretty bad today in particular. I know that it is because of school and jobs. Right now people are starting to get interviews for jobs, and I have yet to hear back from anyone. The people who are going to get jobs right off the bat are people who have experience. I don't know why I am being so anxious about it, I just am. I guess it is just hard to see so many people be 'better' than me. That isn't really the right word for it, but I guess deep down that is how I feel, since they will have a job and I won't. Both Luth and Marcella have had interviews. Luth will get a job at the ER where she already works. Marcella got an interview at Overlake, which was kind of a surprise since she didn't turn in all of the letters of recommendation needed. I am really happy for her though, because she really likes working there. She has had 2 clinicals there, so she knows the system and the floor. I applied for a residency job at Good Samaritan Hospital today. That is where I would prefer to work. It is so close to the house in Puyallup. The hours suck though. One is a 12 hour night shift, the other is 8 hour evening shifts. If I get a job working evening, I would never see the kids. It is only 28 hours a week, so maybe it wouldn't be too bad. I don't know. The 12 hour one is 36 hours a week so only 3 12 hour shifts a week, which isn't too bad either. I just hope that I can get the support I need from Moises. I know that I will want/need a sitter/helper to get stuff done around the house. Part of me wonders what it would take to apply to get Moises's mother to come live up here, but that would mean his father would live up here too. He actually isn't too bad now that he doesn't drink anymore. But I know that his sisters in mexico would miss their mom dearly, and she would really miss mexico. I need to find someone younger if I am going to hire a mexican family member. I could always hire my mom! lol

60 days left, 6 days of clincal. I can do this

I am having one of those days where something just spins around in your head over and over and over again. I am having fake conversations in my head, and reliving things in my head, and stuff like that. I hate that I have that happen sometimes. I decided to get on here and write so that I can possibly go to sleep.

I hate my clinical instructor. The first day we worked on the floor she said something about my stomach touching the patients bed. I said something to her about that and how I was suprised that she said that, and she said that she only said it because I was setting off the alarm, and to be careful not to do that so I won't set off the alarm. Okay.

So then she gives me a 15 minute lecture about emptying my patients urine too early in the night - which it doesn't matter, she was just being a bitch. And has since that time come out and said that the time that I originally did it is the time that she wants us to do it - go figure.

Then there is the fact I missed some important things in my care of my patient the next week. So I feel like an idiot for missing a couple of potentially really important things - though they weren't at the time - I just feel like an idiot and I hate feeling that way. Instead of saying, there is a mistake, or you missed it, lets go back and see it, her response it, 'I can't believe you missed that. You aren't critically thinking and you should know this by now' So I just feel like I am being told I am stupid and I hate it.

I don't have patients this week. I am the module leader, which means that I will be helping out all the other students on the floor. So I will be helping to pass out meds, do assessments, change dressings, turn patients, etc. I wonder how she is going to tell me how I suck at it.

Filling a whole

I found out that I am not getting a preceptorship. When I found out I cried a lot and since then have felt like I am moving on. I think part of the reason why I cried so much is because I feel like my chances of getting the preceptorship are similar to my chances of getting a good residency position in a hospital. Well, I didn't get a preceptorship and I feel like my self esteem has been popped like a balloon. I just feel like a loser and that I am not going to amount to anything. Given that, I have not been to weight watchers and not gotten a new sponsor, so the small amount of weight that I lost earlier this year has been gained back, and I feel like I can never get enough. I know that this is a normal thing for me to go through. I am feeling like I am empty, so I am filling it with food. I still don't feel anything. I feel like I am an empty person who doesn't matter and has nothing to offer. I am just this body that is going through the motions but I am not being real. Lately I feel like I am just faking everything. I mean, they say fake it til you make it, but I just feel bad. I don't like feeling like an empty, useless person who is just pretending to be fine. I am not fine. I know that I am not because I was looking for something today and came across a bunch of Dick's knives. Well did also has lots of guns. It occurred to me for a split second that I should find a gun and use it. Now, I am not going to do that. But it occurred to me, and it didn't really seem like that bad of an idea. That shows me that I am in trouble. I hate being an empty body. I don't feel like a real person. Like I am just nothing, like just a weird feeling of nothingness. I mean, I carry on and do my day, go to school, pick up kids, go out with friends, but it is just an act. I don't really participate. I am just faking it.

111 Days until my pinning ceremony

I know that because one of my classmates posted it on Facebook. It seems kind of like a long ways away when it is put into days, but I know it is only ONE quarter left. WOW! I can't even believe it. I have been in school for 3 years now.

It has been stressful recently because everyone is thinking about finding a job now, and no hospitals are hiring. Well, they are hiring, but maybe 10 new grads out of hundreds of applications. It is frustrating. Right now our instructors are deciding who will get a preceptorship. Our last quarter starts with 100 hours of clinical work, and those who get a preceptorship will be working one on one with another nurse and doing all their workload. Out of 40 or so students only about 10 will get one, so everyone is anxious. They say it will be based on grades and previous clinical work. So far it seems that it might just be based on how well a person has kissed up to certain teachers.

I don't know if I got one or not, but I am thinking that I didn't. I do know that I am going to be working at Harborview. I am pretty excited about that. I have never actually been inside Harborview, but I hear it is interesting.