Happy and Sad

I don't really talk about it anymore, because time has gone by and people aren't really that interested, I suppose - but the best year of my life was spent in a little town in northern Greenland. I definately had ups and downs, but in all, it was amazing. I have done and see things that most people never will - like walking on the frozen ocean, riding on a dogsled, ate seal and whale.

The only time that I went back was 10 years ago, right before I got married. Shortly after that, my host family came to visit me here in the states. My sister Ivalu stayed behind to live with my family. It turned out not to be a good match. My family is loud, fights a lot, kinda crazy, and it really freaked Ivalu out. Ivalu didn't seem to want to be here, so long story short, she went home. I heard from my mom one time after that, and then for 8 years haven't heard anything from them.

Well, happily, Facebook has given me the ability to find all my old friends and my family. My heart has been so full the past couple of days because I have been thinking about the good times that I had while I was there.

Unfortunately, I talked with my host sister Parnuna, and found out that my brother Aputsiaq had committed suicide in 2002. My heart really hurts now. I started crying right then while talking to her, and couldn't talk anymore. I feel weird being so emotional about it. I mean, it happend 7 years ago, and I didn't even know him anymore. But I am REALLY sad about it. My heart has been heavy all afternoon. I got my parents phone number and will call them in the morning. I just keep crying about it and feel sick. I can't imagine what that would be like for his mom and dad and sisters. Unfortunately, Greenland has a very high suicide rate.

I think that it has impressed upon me though,(besides that I am grateful for prozac, lithium, lamictol, celexa, etc.) that I would really like to see what psychiatric nursing is like. When I was inpatient at Valley after Balthezar was born, and I had really bad post pardom depression, there was an awesome nurse. It made me want to be a nurse. I have had the lowest of lows, so I can definately feel the pain of others. I have also been able to find a way to live with my issues, and to constantly work to do a better job, and be the person that I want to be.

donde chingada andas?

I am feeling really sad and feel like crying, but the tears won't come out.

Moises got to his parents house last night. He called to let me know he got there and I said I would call today to talk more. I called 3 times during the day, and he wasn't home. He went out with his counsins. I know that this means he is out being force fed alcohol, and probably won't come home until tomorrow morning or something.

I was out shopping with the kids, and on my way home when he called. Donde chingada andas? Que chingada haces? He says. Which means, essentially, where the fuck are you, and what the fuck are you doing. I tell him that I went to the store to buy some things. What exactly, he wants to know. Well, I went to get a pom pom makers, but no one seems to stock them. I ended up buying 2 bras, socks for the kids, q-tips, cotton balls, and detangler spray, to be exact. I say I was just picking up some stuff for around the house. I am not meaning to be evasive, but when someone is saying what the fuck are you out doing at 8 o clock at night, and yelling at me, I am not thinking, well hey, I got xyz. Plus, if I do tell him what I have bought, he will find some way to be like, gosh Joan, why do you spend so much money?

He then asks me if I have paid for my ticket. I got a ticket for no insurance when I was hit in the accident last year. I told him that yes I paid it. He asks me how. Well, I got my financial aid check on Monday, so I paid the $94 with that. Oh, he says. Well, how much did I get for financial aid, he asks. I didn't want to tell him. I probably wouldn't have told him except for the fact that my stupid bank statement still gets sent to the house in Puyallup, so he can see where I spend all my money and how much I have. (why on earth I haven't changed it, I don't know)

2000 dollars. I know it is a lot of money. And I want it all for me. I don't want to share it. I have spent so much time being worried about money, that I just want it. Is that wrong? It means I will have an extra 500 or so a month for the next 4 months. It means that I won't have to worry about buying new shoes if the kids need it. It means I can fill up my car with gas without worrying. It means I can buy clothes that looks nice instead of ugly cheap shit. It means that I can pay for daycare without worrying. It means that I can buy my kids clothes when they need it and it can be something new that I actually like, instead of hand me downs. It means so much to me. I fucking hate living like a pauper, and financial aid money gives me the option to not live like that. And he wants me to give it all to him, and the fucking sick sad thing, is that I feel bad for not giving it to him!!!!!

Well, Moises, who is drunk of course, asks me how much of it I am going to give to him. I asked him how much he wanted - and what he wanted it for. He says that he wants 1500 to make a house payment. He says that it isn't fair that he is the one that pays for everything and that I don't help out. Well, I say, I go to school full time, and I take care of the children. Well, that doesn't count, or that doesn't matter, he says. He needs help too. He says that if I am unwilling to help out, that if he sells the house and makes a profit, the profit will all go to him. Well, I don't really care, so I just say, sure. I do tell him that it isn't a good time to sell the house, and that it would be a bad idea. He just goes on and on. At this point, I don't want to get angry so I tell him that we should talk another time when he isn't drunk.

He keeps talking, and I don't hang up because that isn't a good idea. Or maybe it would be a better idea. I don't know. I am a wimp, and I guess maybe I don't think it is fair, and I feel like maybe I don't deserve to live above extreme poverty with a whole $2000 for a quarter. I tell him that if he feels like I am not helping out, that I can give him 400 dollars a month. He says that it isn't enough and that I should help out more because how is he going to make the house payment. If that is all I am willing to give, then I guess that means he'll sell the house, he says. I tell him that is ridiculous, because Emily will be paying 200 a month and if I am giving him 400 a month, it is like what Antonio was paying for rent, so he should be fine. No, that isn't what matters, apparently. I should give him all 1500 of my financial aid because otherwise I am just being selfish and not helping out the family.

Fucking bullshit.

rocking out at Chuck E Cheese

Now that Stacie lives up in Oak Harbor, we have started a tradition of spending Christmas Eve at the Chuck E Cheese in Burlington. It is about 45 minutes from her house, and about 1 15 minutes from ours. The place is almost empty, so we have the place to ourselves and it isn't too loud and crazy.

This year, Grandma Muriel got guitars for the kids for Christmas. The kids LOVE them. The blue screen at ChuckE's makes a movie and puts in on all of the tv's in the place. That is one of their favorite things to do as well - watch themselves on tv.

Christmas play

The daycare that the kids go to put on a play each year for Christmas. This year it was pretty lame, as the kids didn't have lines memorized and didn't speak loud enough for anyone to hear - except Balthezar - yay! Edith was in the Chorus and she sung her little heart out. My heart was bursting with joy watching them both. Edith was always dancing as she was singing, which rubbed off on the kids she was standing around.

I wish that I didn't look like an alien in this picture. My eyes look beady and my forhead is huge. My kids look super cute though! I do have really attractive kids. I was talking to Carol today about the fact that my kids not being complete food addicts like me and my family is amazing. We can have a bowl of candy around for ages and they won't eat it all. And they even ask for permission. When I was a kid I would just steal it.

I am really ticked right now at Mexico. Why? How? How can I be mad at an entire country? Well, not totally. I am just ticked off because Moises is in Ciudad Juarez right now, registering 2 trucks that his brother Antonio is taking home with him(he has been living here for 5 years and is now going home). I was able to load up the trucks with lots of goodies for my in laws. Tons of clothes and toys. Now, this isn't nice stuff from the store, it is okay second hand stuff from me, Stacie, friends, and Value Village. Well, Moises lets me know today that he might not be able to bring it all with him because it is for kids and he isn't travelling with kids. Why the fuck do they care? Why does customs give a shit about a bunch of second hand kids clothes and toys. I don't get it.

Now, I have just realized that our cat, Leo is missing. I haven't seen him in a couple of days. Cats do that sometimes, but cats in our house who go missing don't ever come back. We know that there is a neighbor around who is taking care of one of our cats, because he came home once wearing a colar. Hopefully Leo has been stolen and not eaten by a coyote. I mean, coyotes need to eat too, but I really loved Leo. I hate the stupid dogs at my moms house. They are nice and all, but cats are so much better.

And, I forgot to pay my fucking ticket. (yes, I am swearing a lot, get over it) I hope that I don't get pulled over and arrested. I don't know how I forgot. I just hope that since I will be paying late, they will still let me pay only 81 dollars instead of the original 550. My luck stinks, so I don't know why that wouldn't happen.

And I can't stop eating, or obsessing about eating. Obviously, given my size, I eat a lot. I feel like all I can even think about it what I will or will not eat, and if I eat too much, how I can go throw it up without anybody finding out. Again, I don't know why I care if someone knows I am throwing up my food. I mean, it will end up in the toilet at some point anyways. I don't know how to stop myself from doing it. I want help, but I don't know where to get it.

friends

I have found myself at a weird point in my life. I have friends that really like me. I have always had some friends, but I have never really felt like I was really their friend. They were Stacies friends, or were friends, but I was always the only one who put effort into the relationship.


This year at school, I have found a group to study together I really like them, and they like me. I know it sounds kind of silly, but it is true. I find that they are calling me to see when we are getting together. We got together on the last day of class to have a drink and celebrate finishing our first quarter. We study for a few hours every Sunday at Panera together. We even had a Christmas gift exchange. It is really nice.


I have also reconnected with some people from my past through facebook. On one hand facebook is weird. I find myself requesting to be friends with people, and then afterwards think to myself, why? I guess part of it is curiosity. It is interesting to see where other people are in their lives. What they are up to, what they do for a living, that sort of thing. I have managed to connect with a friend that I have known since 7th grade. She liked me even though I looked like this (see below) scary! On the other hand, I am like, lame. For example - there was a girl in school who I thought had to perfect life. Pretty, popular, smart, athletic. She got full scholarships to go to school. I remember talking to someone and saying that it was probably as good as it is going to get for her, right? Wrong! From what I can see, she still seems to have a perfect life, with a perfect boyfriend, perfect job, and get this, over 500 friends on facebook. I mean, who has 500 fucking friends on facebook. Her, of course. (sorry if you ever read this Heidi, but you know its true) My sister Stacie did say something that made me think. How good of a friend can you really be when you have 500 friends. I will try to remember that, but knowing her, they probably are all dying to see her and go out with her.


Carol and I are getting together tomorrow (the friend I was talking about before I went on the tangent about miss perfect) and I have to admit that I am a little bit intimidated. She is a hairdresser who is trendy and lives in SanFransisco. I am really fat, wear ugly clothes and a student. I always feel uncomfortable seeing people from my past. I am embarrassed that I have gotten to be the size that I am, and worry what they will think of me.

It shouldn't matter - what they think of me. But it does. I wish I could stop judging myself. Nothing is ever going to change while I am so mean to myself. Although, I have to admit, even though I am fat, I really am beautiful and have aged well.

I also reconnected with a friend that I was an exchange student with. She also lives in California, and has been working her way to stardome for years. She is super talented and hardworking, and kind and generous. She even sent me a really awesome handmade bag. I was shocked when I opened it.

That is what I mean. I can't believe that people are thinking of me. Now - family, yes, you think of me, I know that. But it really means something to me that others actually enjoy me as well.

worrywart woes

I am my family's worrywart. I can and do worry about most everything. Something that I think about off and on is the economy, and how it will effect my family and way of life. I am lucky, because I have learned to live very frugally. My kids wear a lot of hand me downs, or clothes from Value Village. I like that when I buy something that has already been used, I am not contributing to some poor young girl in China having to work 14 hours a day for a dollar. I mean, it is almost as impossible to get something that is not from China, as it is to buy food from the grocery store that isn't made with high fructose corn syrup or sugar. That is another tangent.....

Anyway. The snow storm that we had last week made me think of a recent conversation with my brother Josh. My step father Dick asked him what he thought about all the new 'energy efficient' cars that are coming out. Josh said that it doesn't really matter, as soon as we use up all the gas, we are all going to die of starvation. Well, most people will die of starvation, and it probably won't be him or Dick, but he pointed to Edith, and said it will be them. Dick said he is crazy and why would that be, Josh point out that pesticides are made with oil, etc, etc.

Of course, Dick just thinks Josh is crazy. I don't. I agree with him. I went to the grocery store during the storm and half the store was empty. With no truck able to get food to the super markets, they were running out of stuff. That was just after a couple of days. What happens when big companies like Albertsons or Safeway go out of business, or what about it we run out of gas to ship the food. Only the rich will be able to afford it. The rest of the people will need to learn how to live off a garden.

How many people do you know that know how to garden? What about how to can the stuff afterwards to use throughout the year? Who even has a yard big enough to grow a garden? How about living without electricity? Heat?

I feel blessed in the fact that I can do most of that stuff. Living in Mexico off and on has given me an appreciation of the luxuries that I have in the US, but I don't really mind living without the luxuries. It can be annoying - like the house in Puyallup that we never us the heat, just firewood, but do able.